The Christmas Angel Tree little knit hats 2014
Here are pictures of the new hats for 2015 being added to the already 300+ hats from last year.
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Monday, November 16, 2015
New Hats for the Christmas Angel Tree
I've made 40+ new angel hats for all the angel children I added to the Angel Tree List this year. It took me over 7 months to knit these ones because I had to do them slowly so I didn't aggravate my tennis elbow like last year. I didn't take new pictures of the angel hats I did last year, but, here is the link to that post if you would like to see them again.
The Christmas Angel Tree little knit hats 2014
Here are pictures of the new hats for 2015 being added to the already 300+ hats from last year.
The Christmas Angel Tree little knit hats 2014
Here are pictures of the new hats for 2015 being added to the already 300+ hats from last year.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Thursday, November 12, 2015
An Unrealistic Dream
I saw an article on the internet the other day of a 47 year old woman who went to ER because of severe stomach pains thinking she had kidney stones and ended up giving birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl--she had no idea she was pregnant. Those kinds of stores seem unreal to me--how could you not know you are pregnant? But, then as I thought about it I thought about what a blessing that would be especially as a baby loss mommy. You wouldn't ever worry about your baby dying, you wouldn't fear each doctor visit that they wouldn't find a heartbeat or something wrong with your baby. You wouldn't worry each time you ate something or did something that you may have just caused a reaction in your baby that would kill them. You wouldn't debate whether to buy those new clothes or car seat or bassinet because maybe the baby will die before birth again and you will never get to use them. You wouldn't worry when you should tell people or if you should tell your other kids because it would just devastate them again if the baby died. You would just show up one day to a hospital thinking you are really sick and instead you are whisked to labor and delivery and before you know it you are holding your longed for rainbow baby in your arms and you didn't have to go through all the stress to get them here. Maybe ignorance really is bliss.
I guess it just got my mind wandering again thinking well I'm younger than that woman was maybe that could happen to me too and then I would finally get my rainbow baby and finally feel some of that rainbow peace that everyone talks about and have some of the "extreme sting" I feel from loosing Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne be taken away. I could finally not feel like such a failure in ending my pregnancy/childbirth years on dead babies. I could let go of some of the bitterness and disappointment and hurt I feel that God has forgotten about me and that I am not worthy of that rainbow healing like everyone else is as they are blessed with rainbow babies. Instead, I am left year after year empty-armed and broken-hearted not understanding why there is no peace or cure for my pain. It is a nice dream, an unexpected rainbow, but, that is all it is an unrealistic dream. :`(
I guess it just got my mind wandering again thinking well I'm younger than that woman was maybe that could happen to me too and then I would finally get my rainbow baby and finally feel some of that rainbow peace that everyone talks about and have some of the "extreme sting" I feel from loosing Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne be taken away. I could finally not feel like such a failure in ending my pregnancy/childbirth years on dead babies. I could let go of some of the bitterness and disappointment and hurt I feel that God has forgotten about me and that I am not worthy of that rainbow healing like everyone else is as they are blessed with rainbow babies. Instead, I am left year after year empty-armed and broken-hearted not understanding why there is no peace or cure for my pain. It is a nice dream, an unexpected rainbow, but, that is all it is an unrealistic dream. :`(
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Roosevelt Washington IV's Angel Birthday Nov. 11th
Happy 4th Angel Birthday
Roosevelt Washington IV!
<3 <3 <3 <3
Monday, November 9, 2015
Boxing Up the Toys
Over the weekend my youngest living daughter wanted to get rid of toys in her room that she no longer plays with. I grabbed some boxes and we sorted through barbies and barbie furniture and clothes and dolls and doll clothes. She feels she is too old for all that doll stuff. We filled 3 big boxes of outgrown toys--most of which were toys that had been passed down to her from her older siblings.
It's days like this that hurt the most, because these toys should be passed down to Janessa, or Hope, or Rae Anne, not boxed up awaiting my future grandchildren. Janessa and Hope would be at the perfect age to play dolls and barbies. Makes me so sad to box them away because not only are they a reminder to me of my babies that aren't here, but, they are a reminder to me that an era or chapter of my life of raising younger kids is slowly, but, surely coming to a close.
It's days like this that hurt the most, because these toys should be passed down to Janessa, or Hope, or Rae Anne, not boxed up awaiting my future grandchildren. Janessa and Hope would be at the perfect age to play dolls and barbies. Makes me so sad to box them away because not only are they a reminder to me of my babies that aren't here, but, they are a reminder to me that an era or chapter of my life of raising younger kids is slowly, but, surely coming to a close.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Christyn Bryce's Angel Birthday Nov. 6th
Happy 7th Angel Birthday
Christyn Bryce!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Thursday, November 5, 2015
The Day I Stop Grieving
I found this article online and I really liked it because it describes my life perfectly.
The Day I Stop Grieving
I Love these quotes from this article because it is the horrible truth. It is the thing I am trying to find acceptance of that grief doesn't just come for a visit--it moves in and doesn't go away and you have to rebuild your life around it!
"Since that day I’ve realized that Grief doesn’t just visit you for a horrible, yet temporary holiday. It moves in, puts down roots—and it never leaves. Yes as time passes, eventually the tidal waves subside for longer periods, but they inevitably come crashing in again without notice, when you are least prepared. With no warning they devastate the landscape of your heart all over again, leaving you bruised and breathless and needing to rebuild once more."
"The Day I stop grieving is the day I stop breathing!"
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Monday, November 2, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Good Days and Bad Days
The funeral for Uncle Del was good, I just didn't do very well at it. I'm disappointed in myself that I am still unable to handle viewings and funerals. The past couple of days since the funeral I find myself feeling sad, depressed, and empty. It is hard to even get up--I'm having to force myself to function in life. His funeral has opened up trigger memories from my past. I'm trying to cling to my beliefs and faith and to the last memory I have of visiting Uncle Del. I hate that grief has stolen my ability to function like a normal person at funerals.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Lee Anne's Angel Birthday Oct. 28th
Happy 60th Angel Birthday
to my Aunt Lee Anne!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Devon James' Angel Birthday Oct. 27th
Happy 11th Angel Birthday
Devon James!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Decorating Janessa's Grave for Fall
Went up and decorated Janessa's grave today. I found this really cute panda bear knit hat that works as a sort of halloween costume for her grave.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Christmas A Little Early
I know it is a little early, but, I've put up my little Christmas Tree because last year this is when we put it up in support of the little 5 year old boy, Ethan, who lives in my city, as his family celebrated all the holidays and his birthday because he was given less than a week to live. 3 days after his early Christmas, he passed away and we are coming up on that 1 year mark. I felt such happiness and peace last year supporting this family just by putting up a Christmas Tree that I wanted to put it up early again in remembrance of him.
I also put it up early because for me I like and can handle Christmas now in Oct./Nov. Once it hits the "real" Christmas season in Dec. I fall apart and can't deal with it because everything becomes a trigger for me. So for me this is a way to still enjoy Christmas, just a little earlier than everybody else.
I also put it up early because for me I like and can handle Christmas now in Oct./Nov. Once it hits the "real" Christmas season in Dec. I fall apart and can't deal with it because everything becomes a trigger for me. So for me this is a way to still enjoy Christmas, just a little earlier than everybody else.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Uncle Del's Last Sunrise
The last sunrise picture with the pinwheels that I took yesterday now has special meaning to me, because, it is now the last sunrise for my husband's Uncle Del. We got the phone call we'd been dreading, but, also expecting that his Uncle, who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6 months to live, had passed away last night.
We went to visit him a couple of weeks ago and he seemed in good spirits. I wanted so badly to ask him to hug Janessa for me when he got to Heaven and tell her that I loved her and missed her, but, it just seemed kind of awkward to talk about then. I'm pretty sure knowing Del that he knew what was in my heart and probably did it anyway.
I feel sadappy today. I am happy for Uncle Del because he doesn't have to suffer anymore and because he was a child loss parent and has finally been reunited with his beloved son, Dannhy, that passed away so many years ago. I'm sad because I feel bad for his wife and his other children and grandchildren, for my husband, and my father-in-law who have to say goodbye for now to a beloved, husband, father, grandpa, uncle and brother.
I found myself unable to sleep last night and weeping through the night for an Uncle I'm only related to through marriage. Why am I taking his death so hard? I think it is because this man has played a big part in my life. When my husband and I first got married he gave my husband a job while he was looking for a job in area he had just graduated from college from. That was a blessing, because it took 10 very long and hard months before that job appeared. He got a health insurance policy with pregnancy benefits that we were able to get on which was a blessing because my first baby ended up being a c-section baby and the cost without insurance would have ruined us.
Years later this same Uncle called us in the hospital after Janessa died to comfort us because He knew from experience what it was like to bury a child. We were so lost and confused trying to figure out where to bury Janessa and we didn't have anyone that would step in and help us or guide us until Uncle Del called and offered a cemetery plot next to my husbands' Grandparents graves. Not only did he offer it, but, he made all the arrangements and paid for all the fees associated with it. That was such a great relief to us. The day of Janessa's graveside service a potted plant and a card with money arrived at our house signed by Uncle Del and his family. At the cemetery another beautiful flower arrangement had been paid for by Uncle Del and delivered to decorate her grave. And it was Uncle Del who spoke at Janessa's graveside service and helped give us words of comfort. I can never repay Uncle Del for all he has done for us. I hope Janessa thanks him in Heaven for helping us. It was such a blessing to have someone like him to turn to who truly understood what we were going through when Janessa died--people like that were far and few between.
Goodbye for now Uncle Del--I will cherish your last sunrise forever <3
We went to visit him a couple of weeks ago and he seemed in good spirits. I wanted so badly to ask him to hug Janessa for me when he got to Heaven and tell her that I loved her and missed her, but, it just seemed kind of awkward to talk about then. I'm pretty sure knowing Del that he knew what was in my heart and probably did it anyway.
I feel sadappy today. I am happy for Uncle Del because he doesn't have to suffer anymore and because he was a child loss parent and has finally been reunited with his beloved son, Dannhy, that passed away so many years ago. I'm sad because I feel bad for his wife and his other children and grandchildren, for my husband, and my father-in-law who have to say goodbye for now to a beloved, husband, father, grandpa, uncle and brother.
I found myself unable to sleep last night and weeping through the night for an Uncle I'm only related to through marriage. Why am I taking his death so hard? I think it is because this man has played a big part in my life. When my husband and I first got married he gave my husband a job while he was looking for a job in area he had just graduated from college from. That was a blessing, because it took 10 very long and hard months before that job appeared. He got a health insurance policy with pregnancy benefits that we were able to get on which was a blessing because my first baby ended up being a c-section baby and the cost without insurance would have ruined us.
Years later this same Uncle called us in the hospital after Janessa died to comfort us because He knew from experience what it was like to bury a child. We were so lost and confused trying to figure out where to bury Janessa and we didn't have anyone that would step in and help us or guide us until Uncle Del called and offered a cemetery plot next to my husbands' Grandparents graves. Not only did he offer it, but, he made all the arrangements and paid for all the fees associated with it. That was such a great relief to us. The day of Janessa's graveside service a potted plant and a card with money arrived at our house signed by Uncle Del and his family. At the cemetery another beautiful flower arrangement had been paid for by Uncle Del and delivered to decorate her grave. And it was Uncle Del who spoke at Janessa's graveside service and helped give us words of comfort. I can never repay Uncle Del for all he has done for us. I hope Janessa thanks him in Heaven for helping us. It was such a blessing to have someone like him to turn to who truly understood what we were going through when Janessa died--people like that were far and few between.
Goodbye for now Uncle Del--I will cherish your last sunrise forever <3
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
The Winter PinWheels
The PinWheels are all snuggled up together ready to be taken inside for the Winter. They won't be brought outside again until 2016 on Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday.
And this is what the winter pinwheel flower garden looks like.
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