Random Thoughts

I feel a lot of random thoughts right now.

I feel bad because normally for Rae Anne's angel birthday I put up the angel easter eggs for the Angel Easter Tree.  This year our yard is in the middle of renovations and we had to cut off a lot of the branches on the Angel Tree so it has to be canceled this year.  Most of the plans for Rae Anne's b-day are being canceled this year because of weather and renovations so honestly I don't know what I'm going to be doing to remember her.  I feel as though I've slipped into a little bit of a depression as things are majorly changing at our house.  I don't know quite how to deal with all the stress, lack of money, and grief I'm facing on a daily basis.

I feel angry remembering being discharged from the hospital after Janessa died 9 years ago.  They sent me home with a packet of papers on grief and a blanket and dress and hat that Janessa wore and NO BABY!!!  They sent my baby to the morgue and patted me on the back and said so sorry have a nice life as they sent me out the door??!!!  What the crap????  I needed support.  I needed to know I wasn't alone.  I needed someone to call and check on me and talk to me every week.  I needed to be going to counseling.  I needed HELP and all I got was a stupid little paper that said grief is hard.  I am paying for that lack of help still 9 years later.  I am so messed up in the head because of Janessa's death.  I did go to counseling, but, it wasn't for 2 years after her death and it was through EAP so they only pay for so many visits and then you are done whether you feel done or not.  My kids needed counseling and help to cope with the death of their sister.  I wasn't able to help them.  I've been lost in my own little world these past 9 years.  Now we are a mess.  Most of my kids suffer from depression, eating disorders, anxiety and stress disorders because they didn't get help either.  My husband and I don't really communicate and find ourselves getting offended very easily with each other because we both have grieved so differently.  I have felt so alone these past 9 years.  And now we don't have the money to get the help we all so desperately need.  It is more than overwhelming!

I feel very jealous to see others so easily get pregnant progress through their pregnancies with ease and then have the perfectly healthy baby, then their bodies easily go back to the size they were before and the don't even look like they were even pregnant and after a week of rest they are right back up to the level they were at before pregnancy.  How do you do that????  Are you hiding your true emotions deep inside?  Do you cry in the shower or when no one is around because you feel so overwhelmed with this new child?  Do you wear a tummy girdle to hide the pregnancy fat that is still there?  Do you truly feel exhausted and stressed out with all of your kids and you just put on a show for the rest of us that everything is great?  Are you really Mrs. Perfect????  You really aren't doing yourself or any of us any favors pretending to be perfect if you are not.  You make us feel like we are weaklings and we are less likely to reach out to help you because we feel like you are superwoman.  I haven't been able to get pregnant in 5 years!!!  I still look like I'm 4 months pregnant because the pregnancy fat has never gone away.  I long to hold a baby that is my own in my arms.  I loss my chance for a rainbow baby 5 years ago this week.  I am now experiencing infertility.  It really hurts that in the baby loss world they have designated March 10-15 as celebrate your rainbow baby week.  That is offensive to me because it is the day after my angel baby's b-day and the week that I buried her.  I will NEVER have a rainbow baby to celebrate--I miscarried my rainbow babies.  I thought my grandchildren could stand in proxy as my rainbow babies, but, it is not the same at all.

I don't know where I fit in anymore. 

I am a misfit in the "normal" woman world because I have a dead baby and that makes me weird and an almost untouchable person.  I do feel like I walk around with a tattooed X on my forehead that warns everyone that I have a dead baby and that you should avoid me.

I am a misfit in the baby loss mommy world because I do not have a rainbow baby to help with my grief.

I am a misfit in the infertility mommy world because I do have 6 living children.

I feel like I am in a group all on my own and it is very lonely.

I don't fit in anywhere.

Going through the motions

The day is slipping by quickly which is good and bad. I still feel a little like I'm rushing through my remembrance activities in order to just get it over with. I think I really do just slip into robot mode on March 9th in order to just endure it. I'm grateful for the weather which has gone back and forth between sunshine, cloudy/cold/snowing so that the construction people did not come back to work today either.

We went and decorated her grave. That was miserably cold, wet, and muddy--NOT a good way to celebrate a birthday.

We made chalk drawings and are enjoying them for now because it is suppose to snow/rain tonight so they will be washed away by morning.

And we just released our helium balloons which interestingly enough went up and over our house, almost got caught in our backyard trees and headed north. That normally doesn't happen, normally they head south. I even released a balloon for my Dad.

I'm grateful for the chance to remember her but nothing I do today takes away the ache in my heart and longing for her to just be here instead. It all just feels so empty.

Went out and froze watching Janessa's birthday sunrise.  I'm always hoping for that perfect peaceful sunrise that is full of color and then getting to see the sun slowly creep over the mountain and fill the yard with sun rays. 

Of course that rarely happens on her angel b-day.  I'll have to enjoy the beautiful sunrise we got a month ago that had all the color.  This morning it was really cloudy and there was a layer of snow on the ground and on the pinwheels.  I took the chance to make a birthday snowheart for her.  There was tiny bits of color through the little holes in the clouds but not much.  The coolest part was when the sun actually did rise because the only thing we could see of the sun was a patch in the clouds that was the shape of a heart!  For me that was a little birthday gift from Janessa.

Happy 9th Angel Birthday Janessa

Happy 9th Angel Birthday

<3 JANESSA <3

We Miss You!

We Remember You!

We Love You!

You are gone, but not Forgotten,

Although we are apart,

God has you in his keeping,

I have you in my Heart!

My dear Precious Daughter, Janessa, Oh how I miss you!  9 Years Old today--how can that be?  You've reached your "birth date" age and that is a big deal in our family, only a few of your siblings have reached their "birth date" age.  I bought you a little 9 figurine that would have been on your birthday cake this year.

I was looking forward to putting all the pinwheels into a giant 9 for this year like we have traditionally done in the past, but, we are making changes to our house and yard and because construction vehicles may be driving over the lawn, I am unable to do that this year and I may not even be able to to chalk drawings on the sidewalk either.  I know it probably doesn't matter to you, but, it still makes me feel bad because doing these annual remembrance activities is a way for me to find some sort of peace around your angel birthday.  I'm going to have to settle for the giant 9 I was able to make in the deep snow with 9 pinwheels in the beautiful sunrise and the 9 sunflower pinwheels I found that I put in your pinwheel garden.

I decided on a Minnie Mouse theme this year for your 9th birthday.  After what happened at Christmas with the pink kitty miracle using the theme of kittys from your 6th angel birthday, these themes mean a lot more to me this year.

As we took apart the play center and slide a few weeks ago it made me want to weep because you should still be here playing on that thing just like your siblings use to do.  What would you be like?  What would your favorite toy and activity be?  What is your favorite movie?  Would you still like to play barbies and fairies?  Would you beg your siblings to play with you?  I had a hard time even planning your birthday dinner, because I don't know what your favorite food would be.  I'm in a household of teens and adult children, but, inwardly I know that I should still have children running around who now run around in Heaven instead.  It is hard having you there instead of here with us.  I hope Grandpa Johnson will celebrate with you on your birthday and that he will find a quiet place in Heaven to tell you all about me and your family back on earth.  Could you tell him hi from me because I really miss having him here too.  

9 years apart, but, also 9 years closer to being together again!

Love,  Mommy