Random Thoughts

I feel a lot of random thoughts right now.

I feel bad because normally for Rae Anne's angel birthday I put up the angel easter eggs for the Angel Easter Tree.  This year our yard is in the middle of renovations and we had to cut off a lot of the branches on the Angel Tree so it has to be canceled this year.  Most of the plans for Rae Anne's b-day are being canceled this year because of weather and renovations so honestly I don't know what I'm going to be doing to remember her.  I feel as though I've slipped into a little bit of a depression as things are majorly changing at our house.  I don't know quite how to deal with all the stress, lack of money, and grief I'm facing on a daily basis.

I feel angry remembering being discharged from the hospital after Janessa died 9 years ago.  They sent me home with a packet of papers on grief and a blanket and dress and hat that Janessa wore and NO BABY!!!  They sent my baby to the morgue and patted me on the back and said so sorry have a nice life as they sent me out the door??!!!  What the crap????  I needed support.  I needed to know I wasn't alone.  I needed someone to call and check on me and talk to me every week.  I needed to be going to counseling.  I needed HELP and all I got was a stupid little paper that said grief is hard.  I am paying for that lack of help still 9 years later.  I am so messed up in the head because of Janessa's death.  I did go to counseling, but, it wasn't for 2 years after her death and it was through EAP so they only pay for so many visits and then you are done whether you feel done or not.  My kids needed counseling and help to cope with the death of their sister.  I wasn't able to help them.  I've been lost in my own little world these past 9 years.  Now we are a mess.  Most of my kids suffer from depression, eating disorders, anxiety and stress disorders because they didn't get help either.  My husband and I don't really communicate and find ourselves getting offended very easily with each other because we both have grieved so differently.  I have felt so alone these past 9 years.  And now we don't have the money to get the help we all so desperately need.  It is more than overwhelming!

I feel very jealous to see others so easily get pregnant progress through their pregnancies with ease and then have the perfectly healthy baby, then their bodies easily go back to the size they were before and the don't even look like they were even pregnant and after a week of rest they are right back up to the level they were at before pregnancy.  How do you do that????  Are you hiding your true emotions deep inside?  Do you cry in the shower or when no one is around because you feel so overwhelmed with this new child?  Do you wear a tummy girdle to hide the pregnancy fat that is still there?  Do you truly feel exhausted and stressed out with all of your kids and you just put on a show for the rest of us that everything is great?  Are you really Mrs. Perfect????  You really aren't doing yourself or any of us any favors pretending to be perfect if you are not.  You make us feel like we are weaklings and we are less likely to reach out to help you because we feel like you are superwoman.  I haven't been able to get pregnant in 5 years!!!  I still look like I'm 4 months pregnant because the pregnancy fat has never gone away.  I long to hold a baby that is my own in my arms.  I loss my chance for a rainbow baby 5 years ago this week.  I am now experiencing infertility.  It really hurts that in the baby loss world they have designated March 10-15 as celebrate your rainbow baby week.  That is offensive to me because it is the day after my angel baby's b-day and the week that I buried her.  I will NEVER have a rainbow baby to celebrate--I miscarried my rainbow babies.  I thought my grandchildren could stand in proxy as my rainbow babies, but, it is not the same at all.

I don't know where I fit in anymore. 

I am a misfit in the "normal" woman world because I have a dead baby and that makes me weird and an almost untouchable person.  I do feel like I walk around with a tattooed X on my forehead that warns everyone that I have a dead baby and that you should avoid me.

I am a misfit in the baby loss mommy world because I do not have a rainbow baby to help with my grief.

I am a misfit in the infertility mommy world because I do have 6 living children.

I feel like I am in a group all on my own and it is very lonely.

I don't fit in anywhere.