Hard is . . . . . .

I'm really missing Janessa today.  I think it is because in church I had a direct view of the little 2 year old boy who was born 1 week after Janessa.  I watched as he threw a temper tantrum and cried and was a busy body and ate snacks and drove his family crazy until he feel asleep in his daddys arms.  It just broke my heart looking down the row at my kids and seeing the spots where Janessa and Hope should be.  Oh how I longed to see my little Janessa running around and being crazy and spilling cheerios all over the place. 

It drives me crazy to hear these other "normal" women moan and complain about their 2 year olds and 1 year olds and babies and how "hard" their lives are--I wish they could trade places with me for just a day and then they would understood what "hard" really is.  Hard is watching parents playing with their babies, Hard is hearing a newborns crys, Hard is watching a 2 year old and seeing them sleeping in their parents arms knowing that you will never get to see that.  Hard is wanting so desperately to hold your baby that you seriously consider laying on the grass at the cemetery over their grave, weeping just so you can be close to your baby again.  Hard is hating Sundays and church because you have to see all the babies and toddlers that just remind you of what you have loss.  Hard is spending part of every holiday at the cemetery decorating your babies grave because you want them to be included.  Hard is feeling alone in your neighborhood because no one can relate to what you have been through and what you are feeling.  Hard is seeing pictures of when you were pregnant and longing to go back to that time so you can feel your baby alive and kicking once again and somehow change the outcome so your baby is alive and well.  Hard is having angel babies and there is nothing you can do to change that.  Hard is having a life sentence of Grief.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)