Our Vacation

I have had a really rough week.  I fell apart on a couple days of our vacation and at the beginning of this week.  I wanted so badly for this vacation to be a chance to get away from all the stress of my normal life, and it ended up being more stressful.  For the first couple of days I could not forget about all the stress and relax.  Being in an unfamiliar environment just added stress and anxiety.  I ended up crying in the bathroom for the first 2 days.  On the 3rd day we went over to Bear Lake.  I was finally able to relax because Bear Lake is a familiar place for me because my family went there every year for vacation when I was a kid.  I loved seeing the whole lake at the top of the canyon--it was so beautiful.  I was able to relax and find joy the last 2 days of our vacation, but, then it was time to come home.  This vacation just wasn't the peaceful, relaxing, get away from everything so you can come back and handle life trip that I wanted and needed.

 

 

 

Coming back to real life again has been really hard.  I  really detest going to church on Sundays.  I don't hate God--although sometimes I get really upset and angry with him, I don't hate my church or its teachings, but, I hate the physical environment of church.  It is full of really hard triggers (pregnant women, babies, toddlers, complete happy families)  that get me upset almost every Sunday.  For me it is like having to go to a weekly dentist appointment to get a cavity filled and I am tired of it.  I've tried everything to distract myself.  I don't want to stop going because I know I need to be there, but, I can't stand to be there.  It has gotten much harder since my bff  moved away.  Our ward use to be a middle age ward with lots of people my age with teenagers.  A lot of those families have moved away and now there are tons of  young couples who are pregnant/have babies and toddlers.  It is really hard for me emotionally to see this every week.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I have become the ward witch who is either frowning, grumpy, or crying.  I didn't mean to become the ward witch--it is all just so very hard and no one understands this at all.  I guess that is why I've wanted a rainbow baby so badly.  I felt like my own baby would help me regain my confidence again and help me to be able to handle seeing all the hard triggers.  Now I feel stuck and hopeless because there is no way to make going to church any better.  I feel like I will continue to dread Sundays for the rest of my life!   I feel so alone in this crowd of people every week. :`(