Pure Joy and Happiness 4 Years ago Today

Four years ago today on July 26th, 2009, I took a pregnancy test.  I was so elated and happy to see the 2 pink lines indicating that I was pregnant.  I didn't tell anyone for 2 weeks.  It was just a secret between Janessa and I.  I was worried that everyone else would be mad and upset because Janessa was my 7th child.  I couldn't believe I wasn't upset and worried, but, I was thrilled to be pregnant again--it brought me such peace and happiness.  That was the last time I was able to do a pregnancy test and not be stressed out or worried.  I long to be that girl again.  4 years later and I have only gotten 1 positive pregnancy test since then and that was with Hope Abigail who I only got to carry for 10 weeks.

 

I can not begin to tell you how discouraging the last 4 years have been.  I build up hope only to have it stolen away each month.  It is like constantly being tortured because you want something so badly but it is out of reach.  I've tried everything to find a replacement for the "rainbow baby" healing I seek so badly but nothing works. I try to be okay with sunshine healing and console myself that not everyone gets a rainbow baby, but, it doesn't help.  I just don't know what to do anymore--it just hurts so much!  I feel like such a failure--why me--why did my babies have to die?

I wish I could freeze time on July 26th, 2009, and never move past that day.  Then I would always be happy and joyful and Janessa would always be a part of me and never die and I would never know the awfulness of grief.