The Storm of Grief begins Again

As January begins to come to a close and February and the 30 days before Janessa's 4th Angel Birthday get closer and closer I can feel the familiar anxiety and heart pounding beginning.  On the outside I exhibit calm, but, inside the storm of grief is beginning to churn as memories begin to flood in of the last month that Janessa was alive.  I hate and love this journey down memory road that I am forced to take every year.

This year was suppose to be better.  This year was suppose to be easier.  This year I was suppose to be 7 1/2 months pregnant as I faced these memories.  This year Jason was suppose to help me through this hard memory day as I felt him kicking and moving and I was suppose to feel hope and healing that he would soon be in my empty arms.  This year instead of healing and peace and calm, I have the added grief of yet another angel child mixed in with all the grief over loosing Janessa.  This year I have all the loss dreams and hopes of being pregnant with Jason.  This year I have the added grief that I have loss my chance with Jason of  a rainbow baby, and there will never be a rainbow baby to help calm the storm that Janessa's death left.  All of Janessa's other Angel Birthdays I have faced with an inner hope that there would be a rainbow baby to fill my empty arms--now that hope is gone.  I guess this year it is my "reality check" that all three of my babies are gone and there is nothing to fill my empty arms and aching heart.

No Mother should ever have to endure this all encompassing pain.  This year if I could I would just skip February/March/April/and May.

I watched the movie Chestnut and the scene where the one little girl is sad because she can't find her sister and the song I Don't Want to Loose You played it was hard for me to contain my emotions.  That song fits me perfectly this year.

Don't see any Rainbow,

  All I see is raindrops falling, 

Don't see any moon light, 

All I see is darkness falling, 

I don't wanna be here

 and I don't want a lifetime here without you.  

Don't hear any children, All I hear is mothers calling, Suddenly the silence,

 everything is slowly falling, 

I don't wanna be here, 

and I don't want a lifetime here without you.  

I can't stand to watch you go, 

Isn't there a prayer we all know, 

I can barely look into your eyes now, 

I don't want to lose you, 

and I don't want to loose you now.