Now that space sits EMPTY
It really bothered me the first night because it represented how empty I feel because of my angel babies. It represented the holes in my heart and the hole I feel because of my daughter's marriage. But, the next morning I walked into that room and saw the sunlight streaming into that empty space and I felt peace and calm and freedom like I was able to let go of some of those grief memories that have chained me down. Now I feel okay with that empty space--it feels right like that is how it should be.
Another change that has happened at our home is that for the first time in 13 years I moved furniture around in my room. The wall that I have left empty by my bed that I have been hoping and dreaming about having the baby bassinet against, I finally moved my hope chest there with all my little remembrance boxes on it. To me this is the final step of closure to my rainbow baby dream. I will now only have my Angels remembrance items against that wall.
I removed all the stuff animals from my rocking chair so we can use it again. That has been really hard because I didn't want that chair used until I brought home my rainbow baby to be lovingly rocked to sleep. Now it will serve as a reminder of my beautiful memories of rocking my alive children in it and the hope of being able to rock my future grandchildren in it. I cried myself to sleep the first night after we made those changes because of what they represented to me. My letting go of my rainbow baby dream and being able to move forward and find joy in the here and now of how my life is.
Another change coming in 5 days is that my oldest child is getting married. I feel such contrasting emotion of extreme happiness for my daughter getting married to her best friend, but it is also ripping apart my heart strings to let her go. My heart and mind can not tell the difference between loosing her to marriage and loosing Janessa to death, it feels the same even though it is different. I long to keep all of my kids here, with me safe by my side forever. When I loss Janessa I vowed I would never again loose a child to death and that I would do everything in my power to prevent it. That is why loosing Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne has been so difficult for me because again I was unable to prevent their deaths. So loosing my oldest daughter to marriage is a struggle for me because I feel like I should be preventing it even though it is a natural and normal and good thing.
I hate that grief has changed my perspective on everything and making things much harder than they need to be. I'm angry because I know if I had Jason in my arms as my alive 4 month old or I was still 5 months pregnant with Rae Anne that I would have found that unique and comforting rainbow peace that would be helping calm things down and helping me cope with my daughter's upcoming wedding. Instead I sit here with 2 more holes in my heart and my heart to the point of breaking wide open. Life is NOT fair, but, I am coping the best I can.
I appreciate the people who when they see my tears over my daughter's wedding don't judge me and tell me I should be happy and that tears and sadness are wrong, instead they hug me and validate my feelings and just let me cry because my tears represent the love I have for ALL of my children and it is okay to not be okay and to be happy and sad at the same time.
Yes, change is coming, but, like the seasons there is good and bad about each one and it all just adds to the beauty of life.
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