Feeling Free

I wasn't planning on doing an I'm Thankful Thanksgiving post this year because I've been under so much stress these past couple of months and losing a 4th angel baby this year really has done me in this year.  A week ago I would have posted Thanksgiving sucks and I'm not thankful for anything, but, things have changed for just a moment.  The stress is all still there, my angel babies are still dead, and there is no rainbow baby that will ever grace my arms, but, I feel an inner peace and calm.  I've experienced this at different times during this grief journey these past 5 years and it is such a much needed break.  Yesterday I took a picture of my backyard at just the right moment where my whole yard was in shadow except for right over where my angel babies remembrance stones are.  That is how I feel right now, like I am in the eye of the storm--the storm is still out there and surrounding me, and sooner or later this feeling will end and I'll be thrust back into the thick of it, but, for now I get to enjoy some much needed peace.

I remember the first time I felt like this because it was 9 days before Janessa's 1st angel birthday.  It was like I was walking in this warm and comforting bubble knowing all the pain that was around me and all the memories of her dying but, I felt nothing but peace and joy.  It was the only way I survived that day.  It is weird to feel this now on the holidays, but, nice too.  We were able as a family to put our big Christmas Tree up and decorate it and I was finally able to participate.  I wanted to do it now before this feeling of peace ended and I turned back into "scrooge" again.

I was also able today to go to a movie theater to celebrate my husband and I's first date anniversary.  23 years ago it was Beauty and the Beast, today it was Big Hero 6.  Because of this calm and peace I feel, I did not get upset about being surrounded by babies and having to sit next to a 4 year old little girl.  I did panic at first when she sat down by me, but, then it was almost comforting, even though I got poked and jabbed and kicked by little feet and arms that had a hard time sitting still.  Her dad kept apologizing, but, for me it was no big deal--first because I have 6 living kids and I know what it is like to take them to the movie theater and next because it was like having Janessa there with me at the theater through this little girl.  I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, but that would have been weird.  I even cried during the Big Hero 6 movie as the main character tells Hero that what he needs to help him with the grief of his brother dying is friends who stick by him and help him and hug him and who are just there to provide comfort.  That is what I needed so badly back in 2010 and what I still long for but have learned to live without or have learned to cherish the few friends who do reach out.



Since Rae Anne's due date came and went a week ago, I have felt this extreme "Freeing" feeling.  Like tons of bricks have finally been taken from my shoulders.  For the first time in over a year there is no "I'm suppose to be this far pregnant".  It has been so hard since Jason's due date in April because I did not get a freeing moment because I had just miscarried Rae Anne a couple of weeks before so I had another "pregnancy" I was reliving.  I feel as though the grief from these last 2 miscarriages and their due dates and 1st angel birthdays have been like chains tying me to the ground making me unable to fly.  Now I feel that those chains have been released.  The grief isn't gone, and I still have one more 1st Angel birthday to get through in March of next year, but, instead of chains holding me back it has become the wind to help me fly and a burden on my back that is helping me to become a stronger person.  I feel like I did back in September when I flew in the airplane to Portland, Oregon and looked down and saw all the clouds out the window--Freedom to fly and start moving forward on the grief journey again.  I've had way too many detours that have stopped my progress these past 5 years.  Now I finally feel free to move forward, even if it is just a tiny little step.

So I guess today I am thankful for the peace and calm that is giving me a chance to catch my breath and the courage and strength to keep enduring and moving forward.