The Anger Storm

The other day I got really angry.  I was frustrated with all of the things going wrong in my life.  I'm so tired of going through trial after trial after trial.  I feel like it has been a constant stream for the past 5 years with barely any breaks to get a chance to catch my breathe.  I was angry with life, angry with Janessa for dying and leaving me and our family in such a mess and angry at God for not calming the storms.  I tore down everything in my room that had to do with my angel babies and encouraging quotes that I have had hanging on my walls.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  I felt like the quotes were all lies--it never gets better--there is no hope, etc., etc.  And, it just hurts a lot right now to have any sort of reminder of my angel babies and all the grief and pain I have endured and keep enduring for these past 5 years.  I stuffed everything into a box hidden and out of my sight and now my walls are empty and blah just like my heart feels.  I thought I would like it like that, but, I don't.  I hate those empty walls as much as I hate seeing all those reminders.

We've had on our to do list all summer to paint our bedroom so I guess we are going to let my little anger storm be to our benefit of getting all the things off the walls so we can get them ready to paint.  It will still be another month before we can get to it and I just didn't think I could handle having empty blank walls for that long. So, today, I sorted through all the stuff and put just a few things back up.  All my angel pictures and most pictures of my angel baby names and most of my quotes stayed in the box--I still can't face them yet it is too painful.

During my anger storm I took my prayer flags that I had made for each of my angel babies and turned them facing the wall so I didn't have to look at them.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep them up or not, but, I would feel bad pretending that they never existed so all the prayer flags are now on my Angel Wall that was suppose to be where the baby bassinet was suppose to be, but, then became my angel name wall where I hung up pictures of Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne's names that had been written by other people. Now my hope chest is against this wall holding all of my angel babies little boxes and stuff animals.

The anger has fizzled, but, the sting and grief remain.  So I have my quote enduring wall, my reality angel baby prayer flag wall and my reality wall that encourages me to find Joy and has pictures of my living family. The nice thing is the few things I chose to remain on the walls are things that really mean a lot to me and give me courage to keep enduring.