Holding Grudges

I've had an interesting experience the past couple of days that I wanted to share.  I've been wrongly holding a grudge against someone for some things that happened the day of Janessa's graveside service that I found out wasn't even involved.   I feel really bad and I guess it got me thinking about all the other things I have been holding grudges over since that first year after Janessa died that I have been unable to forgive others for.  

One of the most recent things involves the grief workshop that I started last May in 2015 that was suppose to last 40 weeks, as long as a pregnancy.  I was finding great healing in completing each weekly challenge, and I was using it as a way to vicariously go through all the weeks of pregnancy I did not get with Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne.  When the workshop got to week 37 it fizzled out.  I sent an email just wondering if it was going to finish weeks 38-40.  I was told those weeks would be up in a couple of weeks.  I waited and waited and waited, 4 months,-- the workshop never got finished and ended at week 37.  I was really upset because I felt like I had failed at the workshop just like I had with the pregnancies of my last 4 babies.  I decided that I needed to finish this workshop so I can feel like I completed that part of my grief healing so I decided to think up topics/art projects/self healing experiences.  The first one I decided to do for week 38 is forgiveness after going through this experience this past weekend. 

It's been hard because just listing all the things that I am still holding grudges over made me angry and bitter just thinking about all those experiences again.  Honestly I don't know how to forgive people for all these things.  I just know that I want to because I'm tired of carrying around this heavy load of bitterness that is stopping my progression and healing.  I ask myself why can't I let this stuff go???  I think I have some warped reasoning that by forgiving these people it is like I am saying it is okay that they treated me like crap and that I need to accept their opinion that I am crazy and I need to forget Janessa existed just like they have.  I know that isn't true but it is the first thing that pops into my head when I think about forgiveness.  I've tried to reason with myself that most of these people I have had unreasonable expectations of  because I have expected them to know how I feel when that is impossible because they have never gone through it.  There really is only a few people who can have true empathy and understanding and that is Jesus and Heavenly Father, but, yet I refuse to turn to them and have them help me--maybe anger that I blame them for taking Janessa and my other babies away???

I found a quote on forgiveness which really describes what it is and I put that on one of the pages.  Then I went and bought the Frozen movie Band-Aids because that is how I have felt these past years holding onto these grudges "frozen"  and because I associate Anna in that movie as being able to forgive her sister Elsa for being mean to her and Elsa being able to forgive herself and find healing. 

Then I wrote down each hurt I felt one at a time, thought about it, replayed it in my mind, tried to put my reasoning as to why they would have done that then I covered it with one of the Band-Aids--all the words covered up so you can only see the Band-Aid.  It was an incredible feeling to feel the Band-Aid cover it up and to see only the Band-Aid not the words.  It was like having Christ literally standing there with me covering them up telling me it was going to be okay--I didn't need to hold onto these things anymore, he would help me heal from all those wounds, he would help me to forgive.  It isn't all instantly gone, and I know I still need to work at asking for help in forgiving, but, I already feel like some of the load from all that grudge crap is starting to lift and that healing is beginning.