A Visit From Patch

We really enjoyed our visit with Patch last week.  Patch is a little bear that goes around to baby loss Mommies houses bringing peace and healing.  If you would like to sign up for a visit from Patch click on this link to go to Ter's blog:  http://patchesthebear.blogspot.com/

Patch enjoyed meeting Janessa's Molly Bear and Hope Abigails' little bear.

Patch enjoyed helping me do some pinwheel pictures for angel brother and sister Zahraa and Bilal.

 



 Patch had a blast playing with the all the PinWheels!!

 

 

I thought it was really neat that a sun starburst appeared in this picture right above Patch giving him a halo. <3

Patch was excited to get his own honary pinwheel and a snowheart made just for him!

Patch enjoyed visiting the angel tree which is still up because the weather has been so cold and yucky I haven't had a chance to take it down. I think now that I will just leave the angel tree up for Janessa's 3rd Angel b-day in 3 weeks and light it up for the last time then.

 

 

Patch had fun helping us celebrate Valentines Day!

He even got his very own Valentine which was put in his diary.

 

 

Patch helped us try and chip away the ice at Janessa's headstone and helped us decorate her grave.  It was cold!!! brrr!!!

 

 

Patch had a lot more fun decorating Janessa and Hope's Memorial Garden in our Backyard.

 

 

He even climbed their tree to get a good look at each of their windchimes!

 

Patch sat by my side and comforted me as I started to feel sad and we enjoyed looking at pictures of Janessa and feeling the warm sunlight on us from the sunbeam that lit up their memorial garden. <3

 

Thanks for visiting us Patch--you brought us the peace and healing that we needed right now. 

 

May you be safe on your journey to Tossie's Family.

 

<3 We Love You Patch! <3

Jordan's PinWheel

Valentines Day

I was so happy to see Janessa and Hope's Valentine boxes overflowing with valentines from their siblings this morning.  Yea it's hard knowing that they aren't here to get them in person, but, I know that they are aware of them from Heaven and it makes me so happy to know that they are not forgotten.  All their Valentines will be put in each of their angel scrapbooks that I have for each one of them.  It brings me a lot of peace to go through those scrapbooks.

We went up to the cemetery to "heart attack" Janessa's grave.  It was NOT a good experience.  They have a lot more snow than we do so we first had to dig out her headstone. Then when we finally found it the top of it was frozen solid with thick ice. In January I had left a pinwheel, a blue teddy bear and a small knit blanket on her headstone. They were all still there but frozen solid to her head stone. I had wanted to replace the blue teddy bear with a pink one, but, I could not free that blue bear from his ice—so he is stuck there until spring comes and unthaws him!!!! I managed to pry up the knit blanket a little bit so I could at least see Janessa’s name on her headstone. We had a really hard time sticking any heart decorations in the ground. I didn’t like being there at all. It was actually really yucky thinking about my baby out there in that cold frozen mess.

I think I am done decorating her grave for valentines day. Last year it was a cold, wet, and muddy mess and this year it was a frozen, snowy mess--YUCK!   I will just go in January, leave a bear and blanket and call it good until her b-day.

 One good thing was I was able to make a giant snow heart over her grave.  I came home and went out into our backyard and decorated Hope and Janessa’s memorial stones with stuff animals and heart confetti and heart decorations and that was a lot more fun because there was no snow or ice on their memorial stones. The sun was shining and it was so nice out there that I just sat out there for about 20 minutes enjoying the sunshine. The nice thing is decorating out there I get to enjoy the decorations and I don’t have to worry about someone stealing their decorations or the cemetery throwing them away. The stuff we left at Janessa’s grave today I don’t care if they throw it away because I’m not going back there until her angel birthday in 3 weeks. I hope all that yucky snow has melted by then or I may just decorate her memorial stone and just take a little  teddy bear and leave it at the cemetery instead of all my other decorations.

Sister and Brother in Heaven--Zahraa & Bilal's PinWheels

 

 

Zahraa's PinWheel

 

 

Bilal's PinWheel

Remembering Sandy Hook Elementary's 26 Angels

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy

Valentines

Day!

 

<3 <3 <3

 

 



Calder Max's Angel Birthday Feb. 14

Happy Angel Birthday

 

Calder Max!

 



Happy Valentines Day Janessa & Hope

Happy Valentines Day

Janessa & Hope Abigail!

 

I Love You!

 

I Miss You!

 

 

Love, Mommy

 



Ethan's Angel Birthday Feb. 13

Happy Angel Birthday

 

Ethan!

 



Hugs From Heaven

I completely fell apart during church on Sunday when the primary kids started singing that song we played at Janessa's funeral.  I had to get up and leave the room and go stand in the hallway to calm myself down.  They kept singing it over and over and over and I ended up escaping to the bathroom so I wouldn't hear it anymore.  The minute I got into the bathroom I started sobbing.  It was awful--it was embarrassing--it is really hard enduring church these weeks leading up to Janessa's angel birthday!

I've gotten some needed Hugs from Heaven these past couple of days.

First Hope's prayer flag was posted on Carly Marie's site--It looks so beautiful!

 

And, Patch has arrived from his visit with Laken's Family to visit us for a week.  I was so excited to get his package in the mail.  I'm looking forward to each day that he brings some needed healing through his visit with us <3

If you would like to sign up for a visit from Patch, visit Ter at http://patchesthebear.blogspot.com/

Shiloh's PinWheel

Part of Me

I found this youtube video of this young man who wrote a song for his mother that was killed in a car accident.  He dedicates it to anyone who has loss someone close to them.  It is so beautiful.  It made me cry.  It made me feel close to Janessa and Hope.

Remembering the Grandma I never knew

Today is the angel day for my Grandma that I never knew but share a bond with.  Her first born baby died a couple of days after she was born.  My Grandma knows the heartache and agony that I am going through because she has lived it herself.  Unfortunately, she was taken too soon in her life on this day years ago before I was born. 

Remembering you today Grandma--give my angel girls a hug for me, I'm glad that they get to know you and be with you. 

Feb. 9th--1 Month to Janessa's Angel Birthday

I hate today.  Today is 1 month--30 days until another angel birthday for Janessa.  Now all the hard memories begin.  Now all the guilt comes back thinking of all the things I should have and shouldn't have done while I was pregnant with her.  I hate reliving all of this every year.

Feb. 14--laughing and joking and comparing bellys with my neighbor who was due the same time as me and feeling frustrated because I was on the diabetic diet and couldn't eat any Valentine Candy.

 

 Feb. 22--the day Janessa flipped to be head down but probably got tangled in her cord,

 

Feb. 26th--my last obgyn appointment--the last time I heard Janessa's beautiful heartbeat,

 

March 7th the last time I felt Janessa move and kick

 

 

This hurts so much--these memories that are burned into my mind.  I also feel guilty today because I am having a friend birthday party for my 7 year old.  I feel guilty because in Newtown Conneticut there are 20 parents who were pregnant the same time I was with my youngest living child.  All of them will never get a 7th or 8th or any other birthday ever with their child.  They will not get to have their child's friends over and play games and watch their child's excitement as they open presents and blow out candles.  They will never get to see them loose their 2 front teeth or any more of their baby teeth.  They will never get to see their child color another picture for them or see their excitement as they learn to read and read simple stories and words they see all around them to their parents.  They will never get to fix them their favorite snack and take them shopping again.  I hurt for them too.  Life is sometimes very unfair.

 

 

Remembering you today Janessa.  I wish you were here and doing a 30 day countdown to your 3rd birthday instead of me dreading and reliving the 30 days of hard memories. I miss you!  I long to hold you and hug you and watch you grow and tuck you in at night. 

 

I Love You!  Love Mommy

 





Angel Brothers in Heaven--Nathaniel, Jonah, & Miloh's PinWheels

 

 

Nathaniel Ryan

 

 

 

 

Jonah Randee

 

 

 

 

Miloh Brenner

 



Kaitlin Terra's Angel Birthday Feb. 7

Happy Angel Birthday

 

Kaitlin Terra!

 



Remembering Hope today on the 7th

February is hard for me because we are getting closer and closer to Janessa's angel birthday.  Also, Feb. 7th marks another 9 months that have passed since Hope's angel birthday.  Another 9 months that I could have gone through another pregnancy but still remain with empty arms. 

I need to be content with what I have.  I need to be accepting of Janessa and Hopes deaths.  I need to start moving forward again. 

I feel stuck at the gate of rainbow healing.  I see others moving through the gate and the healing journey that begins for them--I know that is not the cure all and you still feel the rain even with your rainbow, but, the grass sure looks greener to me on the other side of the rainbow fence.  I know there are other keys besides a rainbow baby that unlock this rainbow healing gate, I just haven't found the key that is right for me.  What I really want is to run backwards as far away from this gate as I can get and rewind time and get Janessa and Hope back healthy and alive.  I want to see Janessa and Hope be born and hear them cry and see them open their eyes and feel them grasp my finger and cuddle them alive. 

Instead I am stuck at this gate watching others go through and trying desperately to find the right healing key for me that will allow me to walk through the gate too.

I received this beautiful subway art of Hope's name from Angela--Thank you so much Angela I love it!

Remembering you today my precious little Hope Abigail--wish you were here with me <3

 

 

Audrey Katniss PinWheel

The Good and The Bad

So, my weekend didn't get much better and church was extremely hard to get through yesterday.  So I've decided to do a good and bad post so I can release some of my stress and look for the good.

THE BAD:  Snow, Snow, Snow for 5 days straight!  Yucky, slippery, scary snow packed roads!  Really cold temperatures with the high only getting to 18 degrees.  Depressing, ugly, gray smog!

THE GOOD:  Neighbor helping us with his snow blower to shovel our driveway.  Working with 2 of my younger girls to help shovel our other neighbors driveways. 

THE GOOD:  Bright blue sky and sunshine for 3 days this weekend with the temperature in the 40's!

THE GOOD:  Took my kids sledding for the first time in 3 years--it was fun!  When I started to feel sad and guilty for having fun without Janessa and Hope, I just acknowledged those feelings, went and made a giant snow heart and put a J and H in it to include Janessa and Hope in our fun and then I was able to go back and continue to enjoy sledding with my other children.

THE BAD:  Eeek, I hope no one saw me squeezing myself into a sled and screaming like a maniac as I went down the hill--that was probably pretty scary looking!! :)

THE BAD:  A stranger with a yappy dog who barked and growled at me, while they walked by as I was taking pinwheel pictures outside who just randomly said "My dog doesn't like you."  Any other day it wouldn't have bothered me, but, this was after my experience with my counselor and it really hurt my already aching heart.  I thought great now dogs hate me too.

THE BAD:  The kids in church learning a song that we played at Janessa's Graveside Service.  It was torture hearing them sing those words over and over as they learned them and then looking up and one of the visual aids the teacher is using for this song is a picture of a newborn baby--that hurt!!  Knowing that I have to deal with this song being sung every week for the next 4 weeks as it sends me on weekly flashbacks to sitting in front of Janessa's pink casket at the cemetery.

THE GOOD:  Look what I discovered my daughters church shoes have on the bottom of them--2 butterflies--a definite Hug from Heaven!

THE GOOD:  Groundhog day and the prediction for an early spring!

THE GOOD AND BAD:  Beautiful pink lilies that are blooming in my kitchen despite the fact that it is winter and it is cold and there is snow outside.  They bring me hope and joy.  They bring me the spring I desperately need in my heart.  The Bad amongst the good--my fingernails have been painted black again even though I keep telling myself I'm not going to do that ever again.  I only paint my fingernails black when I feel really upset, angry, and sad which is usually Feb. through May.  But the good is that I still put on my dash of glitter fingernail polish  to represent that even though I feel empty and awful at times, I still have hope deep down inside me.

Bilal's Angel Birthday Feb. 4

Happy Angel Birthday

 

Bilal!

 



Hiding In My Grief Cave--Again

I find myself hiding again in my "grief cave" nursing some hurt feelings and uncertainty and sorrow.  This is not where I expected myself to be this weekend.  I was counting the days to my counseling appointment because it got rescheduled 3 times because of illness so it has been over a month since I have talked to my counselor.  I expected to be able to release these deep personal emotions and then have her help me turn them around and see them differently and that I could finally be able to let go of some of the really hard memories that I relive every February leading up to Janessa's Angel Birthday. 

My counseling session went completely in the opposite direction than I wanted it to.  It took a lot for me to start talking about these very personal feelings of horror and guilt that I have surrounding Janessa's birth and I felt like I started talking and my counselor instantly cut me off.  For her it was an "A ha" moment of realizing that I'm suffering from some intense trauma regarding Janessa and it isn't an area that she has a lot of training in, so she knew another counselor that could help better that she starts talking about--I'm sure in her mind she was doing what she thought was best.  But, I viewed it as I freaked her out just like everyone else who I have talked about these deep personal things to and now she was abandoning me just like everyone else.  It also really freaked me out because I can't handle unexpected things thrown at me because I freeze up remembering the unexpected announcement that Janessa had no heartbeat and that Hope had no heartbeat and I was probably about to miscarry.  My counselor throwing this trauma counselor and trauma treatment at me was definitely an unexpected thing.  I totally misread everything, but, when I left that office I had no desire to ever go back or ever go to counseling again, I flipped back into my I will handle this myself mode even though I know I can't handle this myself.

I felt abandoned, alone, lost and hopeless.  I felt like I am freak in the normal world and in the baby loss mommy world because there must be something wrong with me that the minute I start talking about these personal things I scare people off.  I felt like no one else must have these awful, feelings of horror and guilt.  I felt like there is no rainbow healing for me, no one who could help me, no one who could understand.  Part of me wants to run and hide in my grief cave and never come out again and just pretend to the "real" world that I am just fine while inside I feel awful.  I was so tired of feeling lost, alone, and hopeless.  I cried myself to sleep Thursday night and Friday morning I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day because I couldn't stop crying.  I prayed that morning for help to just be able to make it through the day hour by hour. 

I felt some peace after that and I felt prompted to do 2 things--first when the hard, awful memories came in to remember good memories that went with it.  That seemed strange to me--were there actually good memories mixed in with those horrible images?  As I started to think about it--good memories started to flood in that I had forgotten about, little tiny things that looking back now are definitely Hugs From Heaven. 

The second thing I felt was to look at a magazine called the Ensign that had come on Thursday.  I picked it up and it was full of articles on dealing with grief.  I think the thing that helped the most was a quote on the inside back cover underneath a picture of a person who is standing all alone on this never ending road surrounded by an ocean and dark storm clouds--I could see myself in that picture.  Then the quote, "Where can I Find Hope?  Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. . . .There is help.  There is happiness. . . Don't you quit.  You keep walking.  You keep trying. . .It will be all right in the end.  Trust God and believe in good things to come . . . Some blessing come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." Jeffrey R. Holland.  This was like a personal hug from Heavenly Father telling me that I was not alone and that it was going to be okay.  These articles were exactly what I needed to give me hope again.

My counselor actually called me on Friday afternoon and we were able to sort through all the misunderstandings.  I guess I still need a little time to hide in my grief cave until I feel safe again, but, at least I know that it will be okay when I feel ready to come out and I am not alone.

Noah Alexander's Angel Birthday Feb. 2

Happy Angel Birthday

 

Noah Alexander!