5 years ago on Dec. 31, 2009, we opened up a time capsule that we had made 10 years before in 1999. It was fun to see all the predictions we had made and things we wanted to accomplish and little pictures that had been drawn. That evening we wrote new time capsule predictions and drew new pictures and included little souvenirs from 2009 to be opened Dec. 31, 2014. At the time I was almost 7 months pregnant with Janessa. Part of the questions on those predictions was will our baby be a boy or girl, when will they be born, and how many people will be in our family? Little did I know that less than 3 months from that date Janessa would die and my whole life would be changed forever.
I have been debating back and forth what to do about this time capsule. That was one of the first things I worried about when I came home from the hospital in 2010 empty-handed and broken-hearted, was what are we going to do about those time capsule predictions that will be a stab wound 5 years from now. 5 years later here we are. I peaked into it just to see how hard it would be to look at all of it. The first thing I saw was one of our Christmas cards announcing Baby Cox 2010--I instantly burst into tears. All those hopes and dreams destroyed. I looked at all the pictures my kids had drawn predicting 2 more kids in our family. I looked at all their predictions of her being born later in April.
The tears just flowed as I wondered where is the prediction that Janessa would die and I would spend every month and every holiday and every birthday decorating her grave?
Where is the prediction that her death would cause such anxiety and trauma in me that I would develop PTSD and have anxiety attacks and not be able to even go to stores without having breakdowns? That because of that I would spend 2 years in counseling learning not a cure but just ways to be able to live with it for the rest of my life!
Where is the prediction that almost every year from 2009 - 2014 I would loose a baby and have not 1 angel baby but 4?
Where is the prediction that I would be forced to join a baby loss Mommy club seeing a side of the world that I never even knew existed?
Where is the prediction that I would meet online friends from all over the world and that one of the things that would bring me great peace and joy would be to make pinwheel pictures for other angel babies and to honor and remember those angel babies in special holidays like the Day of Hope and the Wave of Light?
Where is the prediction that my front flower garden would hold not flowers, but, over 200 pinwheels instead?
Where is the prediction that my oldest daughter would be married and not even be here to open up this time capsule?
Where is the prediction that all my babies deaths would cause great havoc on my family and my marriage and lead to untold stress and problems?
Where is the prediction that I would be sitting here reading this time capsule with a kitten cuddled up beside me that I flew clear to Washington to pick up?
I cry for that Shauna who happily wrote all those predictions 5 years ago and all the happiness she was looking forward to--that girl is gone--buried with Janessa. I look at the fragmented/broken apart/half way functioning person I am today and I'm not sure what to think. I wanted to wait another year before we opened this time capsule up and read it together, but, looking at it now I know it won't matter how long we wait, it will hurt no matter when we open it because this time capsule was written when we were different people and we viewed the world much differently. So sad that grief steals even the fun little traditions we have had. :`(
