I want my Baby back for Christmas!

This holiday season I am dealing with things a lot better than I have for the past 5 years.  I can find little moments of joy and happiness that have not been there in the previous years, but, the grief and pain is still there.

I feel the sting when I see others babies and realize that I should be having my first Christmas with either Jason or Rae Anne this year.  I feel the sting when I hear certain Christmas songs and they remind me that my baby never took a breathe and I never got to rock her and sing her lullaby's and that she was silent and still and sleeps forever and it just brings back all those images of sitting in that very QUIET and empty labor and delivery room.

The other day I was trying to find something in my purse and my hand grasped the picture of Janessa that I have kept in my purse since the day she died.  I haven't look at it in a long time.  It took my breathe away--she is so beautiful.  I longed to hold her again.  I longed to change that outcome and have her come home alive and be here celebrating her 5th Christmas with us.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the mess our family has become because of Janessa's death.  I have been putting off deciding how I want to decorate her grave for Christmas this year.  I have been putting off deciding when to go decorate her grave.  Part of me doesn't want to go to the cemetery at all, but, the mothering part of me knows I need to go so I can mother Janessa in the only way I get to now.  I see all the cute dolls and toys that a 5 year old would want to play with and it just kills me that I don't get that chance to buy those things for her, I don't get to watch her excitement over the tree and lights and gifts.  I don't get to see her happily rip those Christmas presents open, all I get is to go to the awful cemetery and decorate her grave--it is not a fair trade--it really sucks.  I knit a Christmas hat for her grave this year, even though I shouldn't be knitting because my arm still hurts.  I didn't care, I wanted to make something new for her grave this year, I'm tired of using the same old decorations year after year.  As I knit I just cried inside because I've been enduring Christmas like this for 5 years now.  5 years is such a long time.  I'm dreading her 5th year angel birthday.  I want my baby back for Christmas!!  I want all of my babies back for Christmas--my 4 1/2 year old Janessa, my 3 1/2 year old Hope, my 1 year old or what should be 8 month old Jason and my 1 month old Rae Anne.  I miss my babies <3 :`(