Remembering

Ended up at my obgyn's office today for a yearly checkup. I really hate that place--sat in the waiting room remembering sitting there 8 months ago with my miscarried baby in a paper sack waiting for them to take me back. Remembered last Oct. sitting there anxiously waiting for them to take me back for an ultrasound to find out why I was bleeding then 1 day later again sitting in that waiting room with my miscarried baby in a paper sack. Remembered 3 years ago going through the same thing--waiting for an ultrasound, then a couple of days later sitting there again with my miscarried baby in a paper sack. I know exactly where I sat each time. Then I remembered sitting in that waiting room almost 5 years ago for just normal appointments when I was pregnant with Janessa. And then that awful appointment when they told me she had died--that time I did not have to wait, I just walked right through the waiting room as my nurse met me at the door and embraced me. That waiting room has become the room of lost dreams and hopes to me.

They also have this hallway that you exit out of so you don't go back through the waiting room. That hallway is the hallway of Horror and Terror when you are a baby loss mom because on each side of the hallway all the way down it are huge pictures of newborn babies--it is such a reminder of what you didn't get --it is like a huge slap in the face. I remember after I was told that my little Jason's heart had stopped beating that I ran down that hallway because all those pictures were so awful and hard to see. Today I just remembered as I walked in those familiar places--not really feeling anything but emptiness.