3/9

My life seems to revolve around the number 9.  Today we have reached December 9th again.  What does that mean?  It means it has been 9 months for the 5th time since Janessa's angel birthday.  I hate it when I get to this point because I start thinking again about how I could have gone through another whole pregnancy in this time.  I hate it because it means Janessa's 5th angel birthday is coming up in 3 months.  This whole date represents her angel birthday 3/9--3 months until her birthday/9 months since her birthday.







That 9 represents the 9 months that I carried her and this year I get a little double whammy because this month also is 9 months since I loss Rae Anne and 3 months until her 1st angel birthday.  I think part of this hang up with the number 9 is that after 9 months of pregnancy I should have brought home an alive baby. So, my brain and heart still can't figure out what has happened so I live my life in segments of 9 months waiting for that alive baby to come home with me, but, that is going to happen now.  I'm not sure how to get myself off of these 9 month segments--it's like I'm the doggy or kitty waiting patiently at the door for their owner to come home and they never come, but, I still continue to wait and wait and wait.

I even discovered as we took the license plates off of our old van that we sold that they represent Janessa too.  939--9 months I carried her--she was the 9th person in our family, 3 months till her angel birthday--she was born in March the 3rd month and another 9 for her angel date on the 9th.

I think I really hate the 9th.