25 Years Ago--Who Am I Now?

I saw a picture on face book that brought instant memories back from 25 years ago--before grief, before kids, before marriage--it is in another life time that seems so long ago.  Now this picture isn't exactly the same as what I saw, because it is inside the Salt Lake Tabernacle which is next to the Assembly Hall where I graduated, but, it is similar.   I was one of the speakers at that graduation 25 years ago and I look back now and wonder where I ever found the courage to do that.  My younger sister graduated from High School that same night so sadly I didn't get to see her graduate, and she didn't get to see me graduate and my parents had to split up so my Mom went to my sisters graduation and my Dad came to mine.  One of my friends took a picture of me speaking, it isn't a very good picture because this is before I-phone camera's and digital cameras, this was the time of old fashion film camera's that you took to the store and got the pictures developed.  I didn't even realize that it was the 25th anniversary of my College Graduation until I saw that picture.  I remember the fear of giving that speech, but, also the confidence I had back then to take on the world!!!  I wonder what happened to that self confident girl?

I typed into google my year of graduation with the college and surprise my name came up with one of choices to choose from!  Then I clicked on the article and found a summary of the speech I gave.  I remember clipping this article from the newspaper and taping it into my scrapbook--I was so happy because there was about 5 other speakers, but, they chose to quote my talk.  I just find it amazing that 25 years later something in the newspaper can still be found and read online.

When I went to look up the degrees the college offers now, I discovered that my degree has been discontinued or made obsolete.  That kind of made me sad.  It makes me feel like part of my past has just been erased or doesn't matter any more.  Just who am I anymore?  Not the happy, self confident, college graduate that was ready to take on the world.  Not the newly wedded bride who was excited to begin a future with my Prince Charming.  Not the overwhelmed mom of 6 crazy kids who hid in her closet to just have a few moments of alone time.  Not even the weeping and grieving Mom of 4 angel babies who desperately wanted to hold her babies and just have 1 more alive rainbow baby, but, just feels alone and empty instead.  

I'm not sure I know the complete answer to that question.  I do know that:

I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me and wants to help me.

I am a grieving baby loss Mom who is trying desperately to fit into 2 worlds--the normal world and the blm world where there is no group for me so most of the time I stand alone.

I am a girl who can relate to the pain and horror of having your children die and want to help others who are facing that feel they are not alone and that someone cares and will remember them and that their angel baby is important too.

I am a girl that has been shaped by her past memories and choices and people that have walked into my life, some to stay others to abandon me.

I am a girl who sometimes longs to escape and stay in the past 6 years ago when my living children were younger and when I was pregnant with Janessa--to freeze time so that Janessa never dies and my other children never get older.

I miss the past and being a 30 something Mom of young children and babies, I long for the future when this somewhat awful world we live in ends and I will be reunited with all my children, I don't know how to live in the present balancing my grief with trying to focus on the hear and now of everyday life.

So Who Am I Now???  I am a girl trying to do the best I can in the circumstances I've been given, trying to take tiny steps forward with my hand in Christs.

Rocking a Rainbow

Last night as the sun was setting, the light streamed through my window and through my crystal and formed rainbows.  I love this season of the year because I get rainbows in the morning at sunrise and rainbows in the evening at sunset.  One of the rainbows last night was on my rocking chair.  This beautiful chair I have owned for the past 23 years, the chair I have lovingly rocked my 6 living babies in, the chair that has sat desolate and empty for the past 6 years as I have dreamed and longed to rock my angel babies in it.  Having that rainbow be on that chair was very symbolic to me.  I sat in it and then the rainbow was over my heart, then I rocked a rainbow the only way I can now. :`(

The Ladybug

Went out to take pictures with Hope's little angel bear and discovered a little ladybug in the background of the pictures!! A hug from heaven from my little Hope Abigail--I associate ladybugs with her.

A Gift

This picture was created by another blm--I absolutely love it!!!!

4 Rainbows Today for each of my Angel Babies

Today, Saturday April 9th, 2016 we had 4 rainbows appear in the sky!!!!  I have never seen this happen before.  It is a pretty significant day for this to happen on for me.  Today it has been 1 month since Janessa's angel birthday, today it is exactly 4 weeks to Hope's 5th Angel Birthday, and today it is the night before Jason's 1/2 birthday tomorrow and it is his EDD in 2 weeks.  

4 Beautiful Rainbows to represent all 4 of my angel babies. 

<3 <3 <3 <3 

This big rainbow appeared after dinner--it is actually a double rainbow.  I love how it is against blue sky and clouds--normally the rainbows are in gray/dark clouds.  This was almost a friendly looking rainbow.  I thought it was fitting to represent both Janessa & Hope.

It's kind of hard to see in the picture, but, in the big full sky rainbow, there was a double rainbow

This was the rainbow we started with this afternoon--small and close to the ground.  I thought of this as a rainbow for Jason because tomorrow is his 6 month or 1/2 b-day and in 2 weeks is his EDD.

This was the rainbow we ended with as the sun was going down and I thought it a fitting rainbow to represent my lil' Rae Anne.

Grateful for rainbows and my Cat

Today I'm thankful for a random rainbow in the middle of the day and an ornery cat that rarely lets me pet her, but, who somehow seems to know when I'm feeling down and at those times comes and takes her naps on my rocking chair or on my bed--her way of just keeping me company so I know I'm not alone. I'll never forget a couple of days ago when I lost it emotionally and hid in my bathroom crying and when I came out there was my cat laying outside the door waiting and watching just to show her support by being there. I never thought that a cat could be an extension of Heavenly Father's hands in showing his love for me, but, I am definitely grateful to have my grumpy and unfriendly cat in my life so that God can show me that I am not alone.

Just as I was getting ready to post this I stepped outside and saw another rainbow.  This time a huge rainbow that filled the sky--definitely a Hug From Heaven.

These rainbows are significant to me because today it has been 1 month since Janessa's Angel Birthday--a little delayed hello from my precious Janessa :`)

<3 <3 <3 <3

Handling my Grief with Creativity

I don't know what is wrong with me this year.  Everything seems to be upsetting me.  I can't seem to get things calmed down since Janessa's Angel b-day.  I think to myself, okay, I made it through this date now everything will be okay, but, it's not.  Every morning I wake up depressed having to face another day, and then I'm depressed when I go to bed because I have to wake up to face another day.  Seeing pictures of Janessa sends waves of longing a grief through me.  I miss her--I long to hold her and see her.  But, yet I know that is not possible.  I am trying so hard to Accept my life for what it is right now and Let Go of what was and what I wanted and Have Faith in what can be, but, I feel this swirl of emotional unrest that won't settle down.  I am so tired of enduring hard trigger days and I still have more coming up.  On the 25th of this month is Jason's due date and on the 10th is his 1/2 b-day--both days make me want to curl up in a ball and just cry my eyes out.  In 2 days on the 7th it will be 1 month to Hope's 5th Angel b-day.  I really hate that.  We are now in "2011" same days of the week, fortunately Easter was early this year and not later in April like it was back then so I won't have to relive that day.  But, the closer we get to May the closer those memory days come and I hate that I will be reliving them on the exact days of the week that they occurred on.  I hate that Hope's 5th angel birthday is mother's day weekend the holiday that I absolutely can't stand.  I wish I was going out of town far away from here on that weekend, but, that isn't happening because of scheduling conflicts.  It's like the anxiety of all of these things are a continual tornado inside me--I'm trying to cope the best I can.

Today as I tried to cope the words of my grief counselor came back to me when I was stressing out at the beginning of March.  She had encouraged me to find a creative outlet to channel my grief into.  She had noticed as we talked in our counseling sessions a year ago that the things I had been doing to cope with my grief were creative things like drawing, or writing , or taking pictures like my creative pinwheel pictures that I had been putting together.  She felt like that was a way that helped my mind and heart deal with all the emotional triggers that were around me.  So today I decided to use my creativity to express my grief.  I can't believe how much it helped to take all these little items and arrange them into a picture.  Of course my cat had to come and join me and insisted upon being part of the pictures too.  I'll probably have to pull all this stuff out again in the coming weeks as Hope's angel b-day get's closer because today I only did a few pictures with her name because that is all I could handle.  As I was doing these pictures I felt that peace again that I felt when I first started PinWheels From Heaven and was doing pinwheel pictures and it felt so good to just be able to remember my angel babies in a happy way and let my grief take the backseat for just a couple of hours.

Missing Janessa Today

Missing you today my sweet <3 Janessa <3 on your EDD--wish this were more than just another empty day. :`(

Your EDD of 4/04/2010 predicted the future of 4 more pregnancies/ 0 Rainbow babies 4 Angel Babies/10 living children. When I first got Janessa's due date of 4/04 I thought it was an awesome date--it was Easter Sunday. Now this date just haunts me with all the unfulfilled dreams and hopes that I had. There should be a happy little 6 year old running around happily enjoying her real birthday today, not just another ordinary day that no one remembers anything about but me.

Sunset on Janessa's Angel B-day

I didn't see it, but, I'm grateful others did and took this spectacular picture!