I don't know what is wrong with me this year. Everything seems to be upsetting me. I can't seem to get things calmed down since Janessa's Angel b-day. I think to myself, okay, I made it through this date now everything will be okay, but, it's not. Every morning I wake up depressed having to face another day, and then I'm depressed when I go to bed because I have to wake up to face another day. Seeing pictures of Janessa sends waves of longing a grief through me. I miss her--I long to hold her and see her. But, yet I know that is not possible. I am trying so hard to Accept my life for what it is right now and Let Go of what was and what I wanted and Have Faith in what can be, but, I feel this swirl of emotional unrest that won't settle down. I am so tired of enduring hard trigger days and I still have more coming up. On the 25th of this month is Jason's due date and on the 10th is his 1/2 b-day--both days make me want to curl up in a ball and just cry my eyes out. In 2 days on the 7th it will be 1 month to Hope's 5th Angel b-day. I really hate that. We are now in "2011" same days of the week, fortunately Easter was early this year and not later in April like it was back then so I won't have to relive that day. But, the closer we get to May the closer those memory days come and I hate that I will be reliving them on the exact days of the week that they occurred on. I hate that Hope's 5th angel birthday is mother's day weekend the holiday that I absolutely can't stand. I wish I was going out of town far away from here on that weekend, but, that isn't happening because of scheduling conflicts. It's like the anxiety of all of these things are a continual tornado inside me--I'm trying to cope the best I can.
Today as I tried to cope the words of my grief counselor came back to me when I was stressing out at the beginning of March. She had encouraged me to find a creative outlet to channel my grief into. She had noticed as we talked in our counseling sessions a year ago that the things I had been doing to cope with my grief were creative things like drawing, or writing , or taking pictures like my creative pinwheel pictures that I had been putting together. She felt like that was a way that helped my mind and heart deal with all the emotional triggers that were around me. So today I decided to use my creativity to express my grief. I can't believe how much it helped to take all these little items and arrange them into a picture. Of course my cat had to come and join me and insisted upon being part of the pictures too. I'll probably have to pull all this stuff out again in the coming weeks as Hope's angel b-day get's closer because today I only did a few pictures with her name because that is all I could handle. As I was doing these pictures I felt that peace again that I felt when I first started PinWheels From Heaven and was doing pinwheel pictures and it felt so good to just be able to remember my angel babies in a happy way and let my grief take the backseat for just a couple of hours.
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