25 Years Ago--Who Am I Now?

I saw a picture on face book that brought instant memories back from 25 years ago--before grief, before kids, before marriage--it is in another life time that seems so long ago.  Now this picture isn't exactly the same as what I saw, because it is inside the Salt Lake Tabernacle which is next to the Assembly Hall where I graduated, but, it is similar.   I was one of the speakers at that graduation 25 years ago and I look back now and wonder where I ever found the courage to do that.  My younger sister graduated from High School that same night so sadly I didn't get to see her graduate, and she didn't get to see me graduate and my parents had to split up so my Mom went to my sisters graduation and my Dad came to mine.  One of my friends took a picture of me speaking, it isn't a very good picture because this is before I-phone camera's and digital cameras, this was the time of old fashion film camera's that you took to the store and got the pictures developed.  I didn't even realize that it was the 25th anniversary of my College Graduation until I saw that picture.  I remember the fear of giving that speech, but, also the confidence I had back then to take on the world!!!  I wonder what happened to that self confident girl?

I typed into google my year of graduation with the college and surprise my name came up with one of choices to choose from!  Then I clicked on the article and found a summary of the speech I gave.  I remember clipping this article from the newspaper and taping it into my scrapbook--I was so happy because there was about 5 other speakers, but, they chose to quote my talk.  I just find it amazing that 25 years later something in the newspaper can still be found and read online.

When I went to look up the degrees the college offers now, I discovered that my degree has been discontinued or made obsolete.  That kind of made me sad.  It makes me feel like part of my past has just been erased or doesn't matter any more.  Just who am I anymore?  Not the happy, self confident, college graduate that was ready to take on the world.  Not the newly wedded bride who was excited to begin a future with my Prince Charming.  Not the overwhelmed mom of 6 crazy kids who hid in her closet to just have a few moments of alone time.  Not even the weeping and grieving Mom of 4 angel babies who desperately wanted to hold her babies and just have 1 more alive rainbow baby, but, just feels alone and empty instead.  

I'm not sure I know the complete answer to that question.  I do know that:

I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me and wants to help me.

I am a grieving baby loss Mom who is trying desperately to fit into 2 worlds--the normal world and the blm world where there is no group for me so most of the time I stand alone.

I am a girl who can relate to the pain and horror of having your children die and want to help others who are facing that feel they are not alone and that someone cares and will remember them and that their angel baby is important too.

I am a girl that has been shaped by her past memories and choices and people that have walked into my life, some to stay others to abandon me.

I am a girl who sometimes longs to escape and stay in the past 6 years ago when my living children were younger and when I was pregnant with Janessa--to freeze time so that Janessa never dies and my other children never get older.

I miss the past and being a 30 something Mom of young children and babies, I long for the future when this somewhat awful world we live in ends and I will be reunited with all my children, I don't know how to live in the present balancing my grief with trying to focus on the hear and now of everyday life.

So Who Am I Now???  I am a girl trying to do the best I can in the circumstances I've been given, trying to take tiny steps forward with my hand in Christs.