Happy 5th Angel Birthday Jason!

Happy 5th Angel Birthday

My Little

<3 Jason Nephi <3

You are LOVED 4 Ever!

REMEMBERED

LOVED

MISSED

I can't believe it has been 5 years since I loss you--time is passing way too quickly.  Life has been too crazy these past 2 years and your angel b-day just snuck up on me and I haven't had a chance to plan or prepare.  I feel terrible because all my normal routines of having all the foods I craved when I was pregnant with you I can't have this year because I'm on this really hard keto diet.  I can't even do our familiar mini cupcakes.  I want to go to Thanksgiving Point, but, everyone is too busy with school.  I feel really sad and discouraged and frustrated.  I'm missing my Dad.  I'm tired of my diet.  I'm tired of grief.  I just want time to reverse and for you to be here with us now as a full of energy 5 year old not just more empty memories.  Missing you a lot today Jason.

October Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of October!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Weeping for the Past

On my kindle it pops up pictures every day of things that happened on this day in the past. Todays pictures caused me to weep.

5 years ago today I was 9 weeks pregnant with my angel baby Jason. I went in for my first obgyn appointment and first ultrasound since seeing Janessa's ultrasound of no heartbeat. To say I was terrified was putting it mildly. My obgyn was the same dr who had stood by me with Janessa's death and my 1st miscarriage--he knew how important this was to me and I'm sure he was praying along with me as I quietly said aloud "Please God let there be a heartbeat" The healing I received when my doctor found that heartbeat was indescribable as I burst out in tears of relief, joy, and sorrow. I felt Janessa in that ultrasound room. My doctor said the baby looked good and the heartbeat was strong. I wish I could have heard it and recorded it both visually and audibly It was the best day ever.

Unfortunately, 3 weeks later I miscarried--it was devastating after feeling so much hope that this baby was going to be my take home rainbow baby.

Even after 5 years I still don't think I've processed all my emotion or even allowed myself to feel everything because it just hurts too much. And that is why seeing these photos pop up and remembering this day 5 years ago caused the tears to flow once again.

I miss you Jason. I wish things had gone differently and that you were my rambunctious second son running around playing with trucks and cars and legos. I'm grateful for the small healing and small moment of joy this day brought me 5 years ago, but, I wish it didn't leave me feeling so empty and hurt that hope once again slipped through my fingers.

Happy 1/2 Birthday Janessa

Happy 1/2 Birthday

<3 JANESSA <3

Love and Miss You!

Love, Mommy

We decorated your grave last Sunday and all I can do is just hope that the decorations are still there on your grave and haven't been cleaned up yet.  It still amazes me how fast 6 months passes.  I guess that is good in that I am 6 months closer to seeing you again, but, it is also bad because I will have to face yet another angel b-day in 6 short months.

I wish every 6 months Heaven had visiting hours so that either I could visit you or you could visit me.  It's so unfair that there is no communication whatsoever.  It would be nice to get the same benefits as Mothers of missionarys get in that they get a weekly email/ltr and a couple of times a year they get a skype call so that they actually get to see their missionary.  I wanted to wear pink today in memory of you, but, I feel so sad and depressed that I will probably wear black instead.

We changed how the play center looks yesterday.  We took away the monkey bars and terrible swings and just kept the club house and slide and just slid it further back so it is right by the trees now.  It truly feels like a tree house now.  Maybe you can come play in it too.  I feel so sad that you are not here to play with your older sister.  You guys would be so cute together and be the best of friends.  She still loves to play make believe and with toys.  She feels like she doesn't have a buddy in our family.  She was cheated of her sister relationship with you and that can never be restored.  That makes me angry and very sad.  Life feels broken and unfair and very empty without you here.

Annual Crazy Sock Family Picture

We are a week earlier doing our annual crazy sock family picture with Janessa, but, labor day was early this year and I can only do fake flowers and decorations on holidays at the cemetery until October so we celebrated Janessa's 1/2 b-day a week early.

I know it sounds crazy to look forward to this weird family activity each year, but, I do. The cemetery isn't the funnest place to be around b-days and holidays like Christmas, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving, etc. so it is usually just Roland and I visiting Janessa on those days. But in September around labor day when it is still warm outside usually most of my kids are willing to go up to the cemetery and take a crazy sock picture around Janessa's grave and then just sit around her grave and talk and laugh for about a 1/2 hour. It means so much to me to have most of our family together for just those few moments because then I feel complete and whole and at peace. I'm always left with a hole and a heart ache at other family activities because Janessa and her angel siblings are missing. It's so nice to just have 1 time each year when Janessa is included.

We always take a picture where we are all in a tight circle around her headstone holding onto each other so we don't fall over as I take the picture. It just reminds me of her graveside service when we held hands in a circle around her little coffin and said a family prayer together. It helps remind me that some day we will all be together again as a family forever and for just those few moments we have a little bit of Heaven on Earth with us.

September Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of September!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

New School Year = Empty Frozen Heart

The new school year is just around the corner.  I've been dreading this moment since January.  Unfortunately, it is hitting the same week as the anniversary of my Dads death 7 months ago.  I just feel so empty, so lost, so frozen.  People keep telling me I should be happy because now I have unlimited freedom to do what I want.  Cool, except 8 years ago half of me died and was buried with Janessa.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I don't know what I enjoy doing.  Things have all changed since Janessa died,  I don't have any hobbys or talents or things I enjoy doing anymore besides just living and enduring each day.  I feel like homeschooling was my job and it gave me a distraction to focus on besides the grief.  Now my homeschooling days are over and I have all the time in the world to focus on the loss of my babies and now my Dad.   I also feel like my homeschooling career ended prematurely because
I 've been so distracted helping my Dad, then grieving his death, then helping with my grandbaby.  It's also hard because I know I should still be homeschooling my Angel babies.  Planning my weekly schedule is hard and leaves me feeling so empty.

I guess it's also hard seeing my husband  give all of our kids fathers blessings for the start of the new school year because it is a big reminder that my Dad is dead and I no longer have access to get a father's blessing.  I feel very cheated and upset.  I feel angry about all the planning and worry and contention about how to help my mom now, that shouldn't be there because my Dad should be alive and with my mom.

Everything just feels messed up right now.

MIA with Grief

I've been a little quiet on this page these past 7 months. Loosing my Dad has been really hard on me. It kind of sent me backwards a little bit on my grief journey.

In May my oldest daughter had complications giving birth to my first granddaughter and we ended up moving them all in with us for a while. It was healing and also very triggering and hard being around my granddaughter for those newborn stages of her life. Everyone kept telling me that my granddaughter would be that "elusive rainbow baby healing" everyone talks about. It has not been. It is not even close to having my own rainbow baby that I would have carried through pregnancy and then given birth too. Holding her for the first time was actually really traumatizing for me. I have had moments of healing where I would hold her and rock her and feel like it made up for a little bit of having those moments with Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne ripped away from me. But, mostly I feel empty, lost, and sad and sometimes guilty for even enjoying holding her. It makes me angry that this role of becoming a Grandma which I have longed for and looked forward to for so long is tainted and different from what I wanted too all because of stupid, never ending, everlasting grief! It sticks its fingers into every part of my life and that is frustrating!

August Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of August!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

6 Months

It has been 6 months since my Dad died.  This month has been really tough.  My nephew received his mission call.  My other nephew returned home from his mission.  My niece got married.  And on Sunday it will be my parents anniversary.  These are all things my Dad should be here for.  Instead my Mom attends these events alone and looks a little lost.  I just feel void and empty.  Next week my granddaughter will be blessed--another event my Dad should be here for but is missing.  This is so hard!   Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who remembers the 27th anymore and maybe that is because I was there when he died.  There is just so much confusion inside me.  I know I will see my Dad again.  I know he is still alive in Heaven.  I know he is much happier in Heaven than he was suffering in his body that wasn't working for him.  I just wasn't ready to have my Dad leave my life so soon.  I still need him to be here and it is really hard to have him gone.  I guess I just haven't accepted the reality that he is dead.

I am grateful that Heavenly Father gave us an extra year with my Dad last year to celebrate all the holidays one last time together.  I am grateful my parents had one last time to celebrate their anniversary last July.  I am grateful my parents were married in the temple so death is not the end of their marriage, but, just a temporary goodbye and that someday they will be reunited and still be sealed together.

I hate that people now look at my grief and think get over it already--it's been 6 months--he is dead there is nothing you can do about it--accept it and move on.  That seems so cold, so mean.  Am I crazy???  Is death just suppose to be this meaningless thing you just toss lightly aside and never think about the person again unless you happen to decide to go put flowers on their grave on memorial day???  How do you just forget about a lifetime of memories???  How do you just so casually move on when someone you loved is taken too soon????  Is it because they have never experienced the death of a baby or a parent???  It just leaves me feeling very, very, alone........again.  I hate how people in our day and age treat death and grief--like it is some disease that you quickly extinguish and never speak of again.  I hate that everyone just expects me to just get over it and can never give me the time to grieve and just accept me for who I am.

Grief SUCKS!!!!