My New Necklace

I ordered this necklace by Designs By Held.  I have wanted something with both Janessa and Hope's names on it together to represent all my grief.  You'll notice that there is the additional initials of rb at the end--for normal people that ask I will just say it stands for real angel babies or real baby or really beautiful and leave it at that.  For me it represents Rainbow Baby that will never be.  The charms in the middle each represent my griefs.  The butterfly is for Janessa, the ladybug is for Hope and the star is for the nonexistent rainbow baby because stars represent to me all the wishes and dreams I had.

RB is a 3rd grief that I am dealing with.  It is very real and causes me hurt and pain but in a different way than Janessa's and Hopes grief.  I will never get to post the news of a rainbow positive pregnancy test, or rainbow ultrasound pictures, or updates on a rainbow pregnancy, or baby showers, or newly created nursery rooms, or cute pictures of a newborn rainbow baby--all of that has been stolen from me.  I will never have the chance to get another boy and provide my son with the brother he always wanted.  I will never get to prove to the people who view me as this awful monster who had a dead baby that I can be normal again and have an alive baby.   I will never get to prove to myself that I can go through another pregnancy and have an alive baby.  This is an indescriable hurt and pain that just adds to the pain of loosing Janessa and Hope.  Not being able to have an alive rainbow baby after a loss makes me feel lost and empty and somewhat hopeless of ever finding a peace and healing with loosing Janessa and Hope.  I am hoping that by acknowledging this as a  part of my grief that I can begin to accept it and learn to live with it and start to find healing in a different way.