This year this tree is reflecting how I feel my life has been up to this point. First I was normal, yes my life had ups and downs but they were typical life events. I was like that tree with all of it's green leaves.
In 2010, when Janessa died my life started to dramatically change. Things that had been okay and felt normal before then were suddenly traumatic things for me to endure. I was NOT the same person I had been before, like the tree suddenly going from bright green to bright red. I was a volcano of emotions, anger, guilt, and sadness, each one erupting suddenly together and at different times. Then as more losses occurred, Hope--2011, Jason--2013, and Rae Anne--2014, and I saw my hopes and dreams for a rainbow baby slip further and further from my grasp, my bright red leaves began to fall away. As people began to distance themselves from me or pretend nothing happened or forget my angel babies or I distanced myself from them and their "get over it already" lectures and the guilt of even talking about my babies, more and more leaves have fallen and left me in the empty bare/skeleton portion of my life.
That is the stage I find myself in now. Empty, barren, lost, alone. Some days I feel like there is nothing left of me to even be a person anymore. I am in the Winter of my life. It is bleak. Some days there is no hope. I keep looking back at the green leaf tree I use to be and long for her even though she will never be again. I even long for the red leaf tree when there was dreams of a rainbow and hope and happiness in positive pregnancy tests and my memories of Janessa were clearer and not so muddled with time. Here in empty winter there is no dreams. You feel exposed like everyone is watching and judging and afraid of you. Every day seems long and hard. You force yourself out of bed and function like a robot going about your day hoping that some day this will all change, but, for now it never does. Winter seems like it will last for eternity. But, on my angel tree in it's empty barren state, there are wind chimes that cling to that tree and make beautiful music when the wind blows that seems to sing to me "Keep Holding On--Spring Is Coming".
So that is what I cling to in this bleak and winter state of life--the HOPE of spring when I will grow new green leaves that will be different than before because they are tainted forever with sorrow and grief, but, there will still be joy. Joy in different things than before. Joy and sadness will grow around each other and form a new and more beautiful tree than before. I just have to hang on and endure this winter stage of my life. Spring Will Come. . . . . .Someday.
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