Today I had a major meltdown because of all the unexpected things that happened trying to drive in an unfamiliar part of the city on unfamiliar road to unfamiliar places. I ended up cutting someone off accidentally and they let me and the whole world know just how pissed off they were at me with their horn. I was so stressed out I just pulled in a parking lot and sat there and cried and tried to get under control.
I just wanted to go back home to my safe shelter. Even at home it wasn't safe because I went to the mail box and there is a letter from my ObGyn office. I guess my mind wandered wondering why they were sending me a letter--did I forget to pay a bill? Did I have another miscarriage and didn't know it? Did they make a mistake and Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne weren't really dead but at their office waiting for me to pick them up???? Crazy mind thinking!!
Nope it was to inform me that my obgyn is retiring. I knew this was going to happen--I've been with him for almost 20 years, most of my married life. But it was still a shock. I guess I just expected Dr. Llyod to be my obgyn forever and take care of me way into my old age. Now I have no one. He is like a father figure to me. He delivered 3 of my kids, took care of me through 8 of my pregnancies. He cried with me when we discovered Janessa was dead. He gave me hope when I saw Jason's heart beating on the ultrasound. He comforted me when 3 times I delivered my babies to him in a brown paper sack. He represents a very cherished part of my life of pregnancy and childbirth. I had already been trying to accept the decision that I am done having children, and now this has sealed the deal. If I can't have Dr. Llyod deliver my babies I don't want anyone to. He represented a connection to Janessa--he was there he understood. He represented a connection to Hope and Jason and Rae Anne--he understood how hard their miscarriages were on me. This letter represents the end of this stage of my life and that makes me very sad.
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