Happy Angel Birthday
Benji!
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Dealing with "Real Life" again
The past 3 weeks I've had to come out of my "cave" of hiding and deal with real life again. It has been really hard! I've been bombarded with doctor and dentist checkups for myself and my kids. I have discovered I have a fear of hearing any bad news because of the bad news I've gotten from my obgyn the last 2 years as I've had to say goodbye to 2 babies.
I think everything in our house is picking this year to break down--including our suburban that is right now at the "car doctor" getting a rebuilt transmission--goodbye extra tax refund money--it was fun to dream about how I was going to use you. Even with all these problems trying to drown me right now I am still able to keep afloat my little raft of sanity because these problems are NOTHING compared to hearing whispered news that your baby doesn't have a heartbeat and has passed away or that you're probably on the verge of a miscarriage here's a little collection jar--sorry this happens to a lot of women--no big deal (except that this baby was my loved and cherished rainbow baby not just an everyday mass of cells so it was a big deal for me!!) All these other problems right now aren't fun or convenient or cheap, but, they are fixable and I can do something about them--there is nothing I can do to fix the problem that my little girls are gone from this life--all I can do is patiently wait and hope and believe.
I have felt the hand of God in my life amidst all these new problems. The night our suburban quit working we were coming home from a family party when it started running really rough and was having a hard time shifting. I was afraid we were going to get stranded, but, we got 6 green lights in a row (a miracle in itself!!) and chugged very slowly into our driveway before it completely died. This happened Saturday night before Easter. We were suppose to be on a family vacation that I had tried to plan for spring break but it fell through and I have been an ornery, grumpy, and sad Mommy for the past week because I needed to get-away. Now I feel humbled that Heavenly Father knew more then I and spared us getting stranded far from our home. I also received an unexpected refund on an overpayment of a medical bill on Saturday that will help with all these unexpected repairs.
I have been blessed with 8 pinwheel requests this past week. It makes me sad to see more mommy's and daddy's having to face this terrible grief road. I enjoy creating these pinwheel pictures because I feel as if my hands are guided on what to include in the pictures and where to place things in the pictures so that it is a personal message from Heavenly Father that He loves them and is aware of their pain and suffering. I also think it is a personal message of love from each angel baby to his or her mommy and daddy. I love the feelings of calm and peace I have as I create each pinwheel picture.
Easter Sunday was hard for me. We pick the spot we sit in church very carefully so that most of the people with babies are behind us or not in direct view of us. We had chosen carefully where to sit, but, the family with older children who were sitting right in front of us, suddenly shifted down the row and a couple with a 2 year old, 1 year old, and a 4 month old baby slid into that bench. The 4 month old baby's infant carrier was placed right in front of me. I completely froze up. I kept telling myself it was okay, no big deal, breathe. But, I guess it is still too hard for me to see babies, especially because this was a baby girl the same age that Hope Abigail should have been. The tears instantly started flowing. I wanted so badly to run out of church as fast as I could, but, I forced myself to stay. It was the longest hour of my life mainly looking at my shoes while trying to hear the Easter Messages and the beautiful songs, but, really only hearing the baby talk from this little girl and the breaking of my heart and the silent cry of my tears. I hope someday this won't be so hard.
I don't like dealing with "real life"--I'm ready to go back and hide in my "cave". I guess it's time to stop trying to deal with all of this pain on my own and start turning it over to Christ, because I can't deal with this by myself anymore.
I think everything in our house is picking this year to break down--including our suburban that is right now at the "car doctor" getting a rebuilt transmission--goodbye extra tax refund money--it was fun to dream about how I was going to use you. Even with all these problems trying to drown me right now I am still able to keep afloat my little raft of sanity because these problems are NOTHING compared to hearing whispered news that your baby doesn't have a heartbeat and has passed away or that you're probably on the verge of a miscarriage here's a little collection jar--sorry this happens to a lot of women--no big deal (except that this baby was my loved and cherished rainbow baby not just an everyday mass of cells so it was a big deal for me!!) All these other problems right now aren't fun or convenient or cheap, but, they are fixable and I can do something about them--there is nothing I can do to fix the problem that my little girls are gone from this life--all I can do is patiently wait and hope and believe.
I have felt the hand of God in my life amidst all these new problems. The night our suburban quit working we were coming home from a family party when it started running really rough and was having a hard time shifting. I was afraid we were going to get stranded, but, we got 6 green lights in a row (a miracle in itself!!) and chugged very slowly into our driveway before it completely died. This happened Saturday night before Easter. We were suppose to be on a family vacation that I had tried to plan for spring break but it fell through and I have been an ornery, grumpy, and sad Mommy for the past week because I needed to get-away. Now I feel humbled that Heavenly Father knew more then I and spared us getting stranded far from our home. I also received an unexpected refund on an overpayment of a medical bill on Saturday that will help with all these unexpected repairs.
I have been blessed with 8 pinwheel requests this past week. It makes me sad to see more mommy's and daddy's having to face this terrible grief road. I enjoy creating these pinwheel pictures because I feel as if my hands are guided on what to include in the pictures and where to place things in the pictures so that it is a personal message from Heavenly Father that He loves them and is aware of their pain and suffering. I also think it is a personal message of love from each angel baby to his or her mommy and daddy. I love the feelings of calm and peace I have as I create each pinwheel picture.
Easter Sunday was hard for me. We pick the spot we sit in church very carefully so that most of the people with babies are behind us or not in direct view of us. We had chosen carefully where to sit, but, the family with older children who were sitting right in front of us, suddenly shifted down the row and a couple with a 2 year old, 1 year old, and a 4 month old baby slid into that bench. The 4 month old baby's infant carrier was placed right in front of me. I completely froze up. I kept telling myself it was okay, no big deal, breathe. But, I guess it is still too hard for me to see babies, especially because this was a baby girl the same age that Hope Abigail should have been. The tears instantly started flowing. I wanted so badly to run out of church as fast as I could, but, I forced myself to stay. It was the longest hour of my life mainly looking at my shoes while trying to hear the Easter Messages and the beautiful songs, but, really only hearing the baby talk from this little girl and the breaking of my heart and the silent cry of my tears. I hope someday this won't be so hard.
I don't like dealing with "real life"--I'm ready to go back and hide in my "cave". I guess it's time to stop trying to deal with all of this pain on my own and start turning it over to Christ, because I can't deal with this by myself anymore.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Happy Easter
Happy Easter
our Beautiful Angels
Janessa & Hope!
We Love You!
You are both forever in our Hearts!
Love, Mommy & Daddy
Because of this day and the promises of it through Jesus Christ I will get to see you again and that is a day I long for and look forward to.
And if Christ had not risen from the dead, or have broken the bands of death that the grave should have no victory, and that death should have no sting, there could have been no resurrection.
But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless that can never be darkened; yea and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death
Mosiah 16:8-9
I am the Resurrection, and the Life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, Yet shall he Live.
John 11:25
Thank you to all of you who have posted Easter messages of hope and peace on your blogs! This is my first year following a lot of blogs and being able to read all of your posts is bringing me incredible healing and peace.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
11 Months--April 7th
Only 1 more month to go until Hope's 1st angel birthday. The month of April is the only memories I have of Hope. I have felt so lost since I miscarried her because I have had nothing but a pregnancy test as a remembrance of her and even that has gotten ruined. I have felt so awful like everything from her pregnancy has slowly been erased. I found a blog called Miscarriage Blankets and More that has given me a way to have remembrance items to remember Hope with. I ordered a miscarriage blanket and hat that can be custom sized from anywhere of 4 to 24 weeks. I got the size 9-11 weeks. It was surprising and very humbling to see how very small this little blanket and hat were because I guess I had forgotten how very small my little Hope was. I also ordered a clay baby in a knitted baby shoe--which brings me peace when I hold it. Both of these items brought me to tears when I first got them, but, I am so grateful to have them and have a tangible way to remember my precious miscarried baby, Hope Abigail.
This is one of the hardest things about having an early miscarriage, because you normally have nothing to remember your baby with and people treat you like you are crazy because you think of your miscarried baby as a baby. I am so grateful for Miscarriage Blankets and More for giving me Hope (literally and figuratively) again. If you have had a baby loss, especially if you have had a miscarriage, I would encourage you to visit their blog.
This is one of the hardest things about having an early miscarriage, because you normally have nothing to remember your baby with and people treat you like you are crazy because you think of your miscarried baby as a baby. I am so grateful for Miscarriage Blankets and More for giving me Hope (literally and figuratively) again. If you have had a baby loss, especially if you have had a miscarriage, I would encourage you to visit their blog.
Happy 11 Month Angel Birthday
Hope Abigail!
I Love You!
You're Forever in my Heart!
Love, Mommy
Friday, April 6, 2012
So Glad It is Friday!
This has been a very busy, crazy, and emotional week for me--I am so glad it is finally FRIDAY!!!
Yesterday I went with my oldest daughter to visit LDS Business College, where she has chosen to attend college starting in September. It still freaks me out that I have a kid old enough to start college. This was the college I went to over 20 years ago. I got to see and visit my old employer and teacher, Carolyn, who is like a second Mom to me. I haven't had a chance to see her in such a long time that getting a hug from her was a healing balm to my fragile and breaking heart right now. After we were done with the tour, I wanted to go visit the Christus Statue in Temple Square because it has been forever since I have seen it and my daughter says she was just a little kid the last time we brought her to see it.
This was something I needed because I have been really sad thinking about Easter coming up and now 2 Easter Baskets that will remain unclaimed on our kitchen table on Easter Sunday and then 1 of them that will later that day be taken up to the cemetery. I feel bad because Easter should be bringing me hope and joy not anger and sadness. My hope for yesterday was to spend a few minutes sitting in front of this statue to find some peace, calm, and quiet. Unfortunately, I forgot that it was spring break and there were a ton of families there bringing all their little kids to see the Christus Statue also. We were able to find seats in front of it, but, it wasn't exactly the calm, peaceful, and quiet moment that I was hoping for with all these little kids running around and pointing at the statue. I was happy to see that just for that moment instead of seeing little kids and babies breaking my heart and bringing back all the "life isn't fair" feelings, for just that moment my heart was at peace and I was able to enjoy watching these little kids, especially one little boy who was probably about Janessa's age who excitedly pointed at the statue and said Jesus and then went up to touch it. Even my daughter wanted to go stand underneath it and touch it. My feelings and thoughts turned to how lucky Janessa and Hope Abigail are, they don't have to point at and touch a statue of Jesus, they get to be with Him and hug Him and talk with Him everyday! For that I am grateful.
So I did find some peace, calm, and healing, but, in very different and unexpected way.
Yesterday I went with my oldest daughter to visit LDS Business College, where she has chosen to attend college starting in September. It still freaks me out that I have a kid old enough to start college. This was the college I went to over 20 years ago. I got to see and visit my old employer and teacher, Carolyn, who is like a second Mom to me. I haven't had a chance to see her in such a long time that getting a hug from her was a healing balm to my fragile and breaking heart right now. After we were done with the tour, I wanted to go visit the Christus Statue in Temple Square because it has been forever since I have seen it and my daughter says she was just a little kid the last time we brought her to see it.
This was something I needed because I have been really sad thinking about Easter coming up and now 2 Easter Baskets that will remain unclaimed on our kitchen table on Easter Sunday and then 1 of them that will later that day be taken up to the cemetery. I feel bad because Easter should be bringing me hope and joy not anger and sadness. My hope for yesterday was to spend a few minutes sitting in front of this statue to find some peace, calm, and quiet. Unfortunately, I forgot that it was spring break and there were a ton of families there bringing all their little kids to see the Christus Statue also. We were able to find seats in front of it, but, it wasn't exactly the calm, peaceful, and quiet moment that I was hoping for with all these little kids running around and pointing at the statue. I was happy to see that just for that moment instead of seeing little kids and babies breaking my heart and bringing back all the "life isn't fair" feelings, for just that moment my heart was at peace and I was able to enjoy watching these little kids, especially one little boy who was probably about Janessa's age who excitedly pointed at the statue and said Jesus and then went up to touch it. Even my daughter wanted to go stand underneath it and touch it. My feelings and thoughts turned to how lucky Janessa and Hope Abigail are, they don't have to point at and touch a statue of Jesus, they get to be with Him and hug Him and talk with Him everyday! For that I am grateful.
So I did find some peace, calm, and healing, but, in very different and unexpected way.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Janessa's New PinWheel--4/04
Well, the wind finally broke Janessa's pinwheel too, so now I have replaced hers. I was hoping Janessa's old pinwheel would last until today--the 2nd Anniversary of her Due Date, but no such luck. So meet Janessa's new pinwheel:
It's kind of fitting that I have placed my 94th pinwheel this week into Janessa and Hope's Pinwheel garden. My flowers and pinwheels are having a hard time squeezing in together. I think it is time to move the pinwheels over into their own PinWheel garden. I kept wondering how the flowers and pinwheels fit last year, but, last year during this time I only had about 20 pinwheels--big difference from this year.
Remembering you today Janessa and this date that meant so very much to me in 2010. This should be your birthday--we should be celebrating with presents and cake and ice cream not empty hopes and dreams. I Love You! Love, Mommy
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
April 3rd, 2011--The Day It all Began
April 3rd, 20ll--that date is burned in my memory forever. This is a bitter/sweet day for me. Last year was when I finally got a postive pregnancy test. It was a day of hope, happiness, joy, dreaming and fear. I just wish it had not all been ripped away from me 6 weeks later. I am grateful for at least 10 weeks with my precious Angel, Hope Abigail.
I realized a couple of weeks ago that I had a page with Janessa's Story on this blog but I never wrote anything about Hope's Story so I made a page with her story too.
I realized a couple of weeks ago that I had a page with Janessa's Story on this blog but I never wrote anything about Hope's Story so I made a page with her story too.
These are all pictures I took of the amazing sunrise that we had last year on this date--all of it brought me great peace and joy last year.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Kaitlin Terra's PinWheel
Kaitlin's Mommy makes beautiful miscarriage blankets and other items for angel babys, visit her at Miscarriage Blankets and More
April Thankful List
Here is my April Thankful list:
A-a warm spring day
P-retty spring flowers like daffodils and tulips
R-esurrection of Christ that we celebrate at Easter which provides me with hope that I will see my angel babies again
I-ncredibly beautiful sunrises and sunsets
L-ove, peace, and joy I feel watching the pinwheels spin in the breeze
A-a warm spring day
P-retty spring flowers like daffodils and tulips
R-esurrection of Christ that we celebrate at Easter which provides me with hope that I will see my angel babies again
I-ncredibly beautiful sunrises and sunsets
L-ove, peace, and joy I feel watching the pinwheels spin in the breeze
Friday, March 30, 2012
A Ride on The Slide
Remember as a kid how fun the playground slides were. I remember one park that my parents use to take us to that had a long slide that was at the top of a small hill. It was scary being at the top and looking down to the bottom. My heart would race as I started sliding down, but, halfway through the thrill and excitement would kick in and I'd be all smiles reaching the end of the slide and running up that hill to do it all over again! I admit I still go down slides with my kids but, it just isn't the same when you sit down to go down and your already half way down the slide before you even start!!
I've been thinking about pregnancy as a big long slide. I've gone down that slide 8 times now, 6 times I had an enjoyable ride and got the bonus at the end (a baby), 2 times I fell off the slide before I reached the end, with Janessa I almost reached the end and then fell off and with Hope I barely got started before I fell off. It just makes me really sad to think that my days of going down the slide may be over. I long to go down just 1 more time just to prove to myself that I can make it to the end, but, I can't seem to ever make it up the ladder now. At times I think I am too tired, too old or too frightened to go down that slide again and I just want to go back up the slide on my last two attempts and just finish the ride with Janessa and Hope. I know I will get to finish that ride some day in Heaven, but, not now and that makes me happy/sad. I'm trying to be content watching others go down that slide, to encourage those who can't seem to even make it to the top of the slide, to help those who fall off anywhere going down the slide, and cheer on those who complete a successful ride.
Maybe it's time for me to let go of the slide and try out the swings. The swings don't look as fun as the slide, but, maybe they have their own pleasure that I haven't discovered yet. I'm trying to walk towards the swings, but, my heart is still back on the slide.
I've been thinking about pregnancy as a big long slide. I've gone down that slide 8 times now, 6 times I had an enjoyable ride and got the bonus at the end (a baby), 2 times I fell off the slide before I reached the end, with Janessa I almost reached the end and then fell off and with Hope I barely got started before I fell off. It just makes me really sad to think that my days of going down the slide may be over. I long to go down just 1 more time just to prove to myself that I can make it to the end, but, I can't seem to ever make it up the ladder now. At times I think I am too tired, too old or too frightened to go down that slide again and I just want to go back up the slide on my last two attempts and just finish the ride with Janessa and Hope. I know I will get to finish that ride some day in Heaven, but, not now and that makes me happy/sad. I'm trying to be content watching others go down that slide, to encourage those who can't seem to even make it to the top of the slide, to help those who fall off anywhere going down the slide, and cheer on those who complete a successful ride.
Maybe it's time for me to let go of the slide and try out the swings. The swings don't look as fun as the slide, but, maybe they have their own pleasure that I haven't discovered yet. I'm trying to walk towards the swings, but, my heart is still back on the slide.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Remembering Janessa
I was messing around with tickers again and I decided since I never did a ticker when I was pregnant with Janessa that I wanted to experience what it would have been like so I made a ticker that is counting down to the 2nd Anniversary of her Due Date April 4th. Today it says 10 days to go--Oh how I wish I would have gotten this 2 years ago and that I was anxiously counting down the days until I got to see her alive and well.
Wouldn't it be nice if we had a ticker for Heaven that gave us the exact amount of days until we got to see our angel babies again?!
Wouldn't it be nice if we had a ticker for Heaven that gave us the exact amount of days until we got to see our angel babies again?!
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Saturday, March 24, 2012
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