Dealing with "Real Life" again

The past 3 weeks I've had to come out of my "cave" of hiding and deal with real life again.  It has been really hard!  I've been bombarded with doctor and dentist checkups for myself and my kids.  I have discovered I have a fear of hearing any bad news because of the bad news I've gotten from my obgyn the last 2 years as I've had to say goodbye to 2 babies. 

I think everything in our house is picking this year to break down--including our suburban that is right now at the "car doctor" getting a rebuilt transmission--goodbye extra tax refund money--it was fun to dream about how I was going to use you.  Even with all these problems trying to drown me right now I am still able to keep afloat my little raft of sanity because these problems are NOTHING compared to hearing whispered news that your baby doesn't have a heartbeat and has passed away or that you're probably on the verge of a miscarriage here's a little collection jar--sorry this happens to a lot of women--no big deal (except that this baby was my loved and cherished rainbow baby not just an everyday mass of cells so it was a big deal for me!!)  All these other problems right now aren't fun or convenient or cheap, but, they are fixable and I can do something about them--there is nothing I can do to fix the problem that my little girls are gone from this life--all I can do is patiently wait and hope and believe.

I have felt the hand of God in my life amidst all these new problems.  The night our suburban quit working we were coming home from a family party when it started running really rough and was having a hard time shifting.  I was afraid we were going to get stranded, but, we got 6 green lights in a row (a miracle in itself!!) and chugged very slowly into our driveway before it completely died.   This happened Saturday night before Easter.  We were suppose to be on a family vacation that I had tried to plan for spring break but it fell through and I have been an ornery, grumpy, and sad Mommy for the past week because I needed to get-away.  Now I feel humbled that Heavenly Father knew more then I and spared us getting stranded far from our home.  I also received an unexpected refund on an overpayment of a medical bill on Saturday that will help with all these unexpected repairs.

I have been blessed with 8 pinwheel requests this past week.  It makes me sad to see more mommy's and daddy's having to face this terrible grief road.  I enjoy creating these pinwheel pictures because I feel as if my hands are guided on what to include in the pictures and where to place things in the pictures so that it is a personal message from Heavenly Father that He loves them and is aware of their pain and suffering.  I also think it is a personal message of love from each angel baby to his or her mommy and daddy.  I love the feelings of calm and peace I have as I create each pinwheel picture.

Easter Sunday was hard for me.  We pick the spot we sit in church very carefully so that most of the people with babies are behind us or not in direct view of us.  We had chosen carefully where to sit, but, the family with older children who were sitting right in front of us, suddenly shifted down the row and a couple with a 2 year old, 1 year old, and a 4 month old baby slid into that bench.  The 4 month old baby's infant carrier was placed right in front of me.  I completely froze up.  I kept telling myself it was okay, no big deal, breathe.  But, I guess it is still too hard for me to see babies, especially because this was a baby girl the same age that Hope Abigail should have been.  The tears instantly started flowing.  I wanted so badly to run out of church as fast as I could, but, I forced myself to stay.  It was the longest hour of my life mainly looking at my shoes while trying to hear the Easter Messages and the beautiful songs, but, really only hearing the baby talk from this little girl and the breaking of my heart and the silent cry of my tears.  I hope someday this won't be so hard.

I don't like dealing with "real life"--I'm ready to go back and hide in my "cave".  I guess it's time to stop trying to deal with all of this pain on my own and start turning it over to Christ, because I can't deal with this by myself anymore.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)