"Expert" Grocery Shopper

Grocery Shopping has been a nightmare for me for the past 18 months!  I never realized how much my simple life had changed until I attempted to go grocery shopping a couple of weeks after Janessa died.  There were people with babies everywhere and I almost had a panic attack on every aisle. 

Since then I have become an "Expert" grocery shopper in order to protect my broken heart.  I'm an expert in knowing the best time to go when most of the mom's with babies have to be picking up their other children from school.  I'm an expert at avoiding aisles and checkout lines with pregnant women and women with infant carriers.  I'm an expert at averting my eyes when I do happen to get caught in view of a baby. I'm an expert at telling myself to just breathe and be calm and remember that some of those babies may be rainbow babies of women who have been through what I have.

I don't hate these other women and their babies--jealous of them--yes.  Most of it is an effort to keep from embarrassing myself at the store because I miss my angel babies so much.  These other babies are big reminders to me of what I don't have and will never have and so the tears instantly begin to fall whether I'm in the frozen food aisle or the bakery aisle and lets not even talk about the baby aisle!  My stupid grocery store put the paper products on one side (paper towels, Kleenexes, etc.) and all the baby food, diapers, formula, etc., on the other side of the same aisle!!!!!!!  I can't begin to tell you how hard that has been to have to go down that aisle to get my supply of Kleenexes while wishing I was buying the baby diapers and baby food instead.

All of these "Expert" grocery shopping tactics have worked really well for me until the other day.  While checking out I happened to glance up to the other checkout stand and there was a baby in an infant carrier.  My alarm bells went off telling me to look away and focus on something else, but, I just couldn't.  This cute little baby girl all dressed in pink sleeping peacefully in her infant carrier stole my heart.  I just wanted to go and hold her and rock her--it just felt so unfair that I never got to take my little Janessa to a store sleeping soundly in her infant carrier and I will never get that chance with Hope.  Thank goodness I was out the grocery store doors before the tears could start to fall.

I hope some day it won't be so hard to just go grocery shopping and that I won't always have to be an "Expert"!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)