January through April are hard emotional months for me as I relive the last months that Janessa was alive. It is almost overwhelming to me to think that Janessa's angel birthday is in 8 weeks from today. I feel so guilty because while I was pregnant with her in the last months, I was so stressed out and worried about having another baby and I was so miserable physically and frustrated that I couldn't do things that all I could think about was my excitement for not being pregnant anymore--I completely ignored and missed the last 8 weeks that Janessa was alive.
I wish I could have a do over and go back and relive those 8 weeks now knowing what I know. I would enjoy every moment carrying Janessa. I would cherish each kick and each time I heard her heartbeat at the doctors office. I would have taken more pictures of my pregnant belly, I would have recorded her little heartbeat, I would have spent more time just sitting and relaxing and talking to my pregnant belly and enjoying our last weeks together.
3 years ago today we went to see the movie The Princess and The Frog. I remember that the sound would go up really loud every time there was singing in the movie. While I plugged my ears and cringed, Janessa danced and kicked happily inside me. She loved all the music! It makes me sad to remember that now, but, it also makes me grateful that Janessa was my most active baby in the womb and she kicked me the hardest and moved the most of all my kids. Since those 36 weeks were all I got with her it was a way for her to communicate with me and a way for me to remember her now and love her for every "love kick". I bought the dvd of the The Princess and the Frog and it came in the mail a couple of weeks after Janessa died. I haven't been able to even watch that dvd because it brings back all those memories.
Oh how I miss "my little dancing princess Janessa". I miss feeling all your playful kicks and movements. I miss hearing your heartbeat. I miss cuddling you in my belly. I hate that I am missing the almost little 3 year old dancing princess that you should be today.
Dance happily today in heaven my little precious angel.
<3 <3 <3
When I was pregnant with Gabriel, we saw The Avengers and Brave, and he did not stop moving the entire time. I loved feeling him kick and squirm so much. I want to buy the DVDs too, even though I doubt I'll be able to watch them any time soon.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I see the Princess and the Frog, I'll think of Janessa <3
((HUGS))