Triplet Angel Brothers
Andrew Noah, Benjamin Levi, Caleb Thomas
Andrew Noah's PinWheel
Benjamin Levi's PinWheel
Caleb Thomas's PinWheel
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Remembering, Regrets, and Relief
Today is another "hard" memory day for me. March 15, 2010, was the grave-side service for Janessa at the cemetery. I wish I had taken pictures of her little pink coffin and all the beautiful flowers, especially the floral arrangement tht was on her casket which was full of pink roses, carnations and lillies--I regret that now. I have nothing but some of the ribbon and 2 of the roses that were in that beautiful floral arrangement. But, at least I have those items and I still have the memories of seeing that little pink coffin and remembering our family holding hands in a circle around it as we said our final goodbye.
I regret not holding or seeing Janessa at the mortuary. I regret I wasn't the one who dressed her in her beautiful burial gown, I regret I didn't kiss her one last time and that it wasn't me who put her in her coffin. But, at least I have pictures of her in the hospital and I have memories of holding her and seeing her at the hospital and I have pictures of the burial gown and the items we had the mortician put in the coffin with her.
Sometimes it is really hard remembering and regretting on these hard days, but, I'm trying to find relief by looking at the things that I do have this year. I'll hand all those regrets over to Heavenly Father and let him help me remember, relive, and find relief instead.
Hugs,
I regret not holding or seeing Janessa at the mortuary. I regret I wasn't the one who dressed her in her beautiful burial gown, I regret I didn't kiss her one last time and that it wasn't me who put her in her coffin. But, at least I have pictures of her in the hospital and I have memories of holding her and seeing her at the hospital and I have pictures of the burial gown and the items we had the mortician put in the coffin with her.
Sometimes it is really hard remembering and regretting on these hard days, but, I'm trying to find relief by looking at the things that I do have this year. I'll hand all those regrets over to Heavenly Father and let him help me remember, relive, and find relief instead.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
My Projects
I was excited as I was working on taking pinwheel pictures to discover that the first of my spring flowers are starting to open up--Yaaaa--spring has finally arrived!!!!
I was not happy to discover that the rotten strong wind we had has totally broken Hope's big pinwheel. :(
I've only had the pinwheels outside for less than a week so this really worrys me because my front flower garden is right in a wind tunnel, which is good because it makes the pinwheels spin, but, it is also bad because it sometimes blows really hard and ruins the pinwheels.
I've got some projects in the works to solve this problem, I hope. My first project is to make a permanent pinwheel garden on my front patio below my bay window. I'm going to move them into flower boxes and arrange them around a wishing well I have. This area still gets wind so the pinwheels will still blow, but, they will be more protected from the strong wind, rain, and sprinklers. This is what this area looks like right now:
My other project is making a remembrance flower garden in my backyard for both Hope and Janessa. I have loved seeing other peoples blogs and what they have done in their remembrance gardens. I'm going to add some more garden picks and I ordered flowers from Mikaylas Flower Fundraiser that I will be planting behind their remembrance stones. There is a lilac bush to the far right in this picture that we planted a couple of days before we lost Janessa so I have always considered this her lilac bush so that will add to this garden when it comes into bloom. There is also a small mini rose bush that I planted last year in honor of Hope. Hope's stone is just surrounded by 10 pinwheels now to represent the 10 weeks I had with her. This is the before picture of it:
I've been really depressed the last little while so hopefully, with these little projects, working on pinwheel requests, having the anticipation of my family vacation in 9 weeks, and seeing the beautiful spring flowers come out, I will be able to feel God's love in my life again and be able to find my faith, trust, happiness, and joy again.
I've got some projects in the works to solve this problem, I hope. My first project is to make a permanent pinwheel garden on my front patio below my bay window. I'm going to move them into flower boxes and arrange them around a wishing well I have. This area still gets wind so the pinwheels will still blow, but, they will be more protected from the strong wind, rain, and sprinklers. This is what this area looks like right now:
My other project is making a remembrance flower garden in my backyard for both Hope and Janessa. I have loved seeing other peoples blogs and what they have done in their remembrance gardens. I'm going to add some more garden picks and I ordered flowers from Mikaylas Flower Fundraiser that I will be planting behind their remembrance stones. There is a lilac bush to the far right in this picture that we planted a couple of days before we lost Janessa so I have always considered this her lilac bush so that will add to this garden when it comes into bloom. There is also a small mini rose bush that I planted last year in honor of Hope. Hope's stone is just surrounded by 10 pinwheels now to represent the 10 weeks I had with her. This is the before picture of it:
I've been really depressed the last little while so hopefully, with these little projects, working on pinwheel requests, having the anticipation of my family vacation in 9 weeks, and seeing the beautiful spring flowers come out, I will be able to feel God's love in my life again and be able to find my faith, trust, happiness, and joy again.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Picking Up the Pieces
Well, another angel birthday has passed, kinda glad to have it over. It was a good/sad day, mixed with up and down feelings all day. I couldn't sleep in the morning so I got up early and took pictures of Janessa's pinwheel in the sunrise. That was an incredible experience watching the sunrise--it brought tears to my eyes as I felt a great calm and peace for that moment.
Hopefully the angel party games turned out okay--my kids had fun writing messages on the balloons for Janessa and they looked amazing as they floated into the sky.
My flower garden looked like instant spring flowers had popped up overnight. All 90 pinwheels looked beautiful and they twirled and spun throughout the day.
Going to the cemetery was hard. No one should have to celebrate their child's birthday at the cemetery.
We ended the day lighting paper laterns inside and luminaries outside as we remember Janessa at 9:08 p.m.
The people chosen for the pinwheel/angel bear give-a-way were Becky (Liam's Mommy) and Rebecca (Kaison's Mommy)
I'm finding that the days after Janessa's b-day are hard this year too, because I don't even get my "Whew, I made it through--now I don't have to endure another angel b-day for another year" like I did last year. My miscarriage has robbed me of that too, because now I switch focus and begin preparing for Hope Abigails--1st angel birthday in 8 weeks. This is really hard! Inside I am screaming I can't do this again--but outside I begin to make my lists and preparations.
Hopefully the angel party games turned out okay--my kids had fun writing messages on the balloons for Janessa and they looked amazing as they floated into the sky.
My flower garden looked like instant spring flowers had popped up overnight. All 90 pinwheels looked beautiful and they twirled and spun throughout the day.
Going to the cemetery was hard. No one should have to celebrate their child's birthday at the cemetery.
We ended the day lighting paper laterns inside and luminaries outside as we remember Janessa at 9:08 p.m.
The people chosen for the pinwheel/angel bear give-a-way were Becky (Liam's Mommy) and Rebecca (Kaison's Mommy)
I'm finding that the days after Janessa's b-day are hard this year too, because I don't even get my "Whew, I made it through--now I don't have to endure another angel b-day for another year" like I did last year. My miscarriage has robbed me of that too, because now I switch focus and begin preparing for Hope Abigails--1st angel birthday in 8 weeks. This is really hard! Inside I am screaming I can't do this again--but outside I begin to make my lists and preparations.
Thank you to everyone who remembered Janessa on her angel birthday!! <3
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Truffla Tree
I found a blm who writes names and puts them on her "Truffla Tree". It was such a cute idea that I requested Janessa and Hope's names be added. So here are their pom poms being added to the Truffla Tree.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Happy 2nd Angel Birthday Janessa!
Happy 2nd Angel Birthday
Janessa!
My sweet little angel it is unreal that you would be turning 2 today. I feel so very lost without you here. I look at all your beautiful pictures and cry tears of sadness because I miss you so very much, but, also tears of joy that I was privileged to be your mommy and carry you for 9 months. 9 Months that was just a special Mommy and Me time just between you and I. I long to see you and hold you again. I want to see you as a 2 year old learning new things and growing up. It breaks my heart to think about all the many things we are missing out on with you. Please know that I love you very much and that I carry you in my heart always.
Love, Mommy
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Angel Birthday Party
Okay, I was feeling sad seeing all these b-day party invitations my 6 year old has been invited to--you know the same old it's not fair because Janessa will never be invited to a b-day party and I will never be able to throw her a birthday party. But, then I thought why can't I throw her an Angel Birthday Party in Heaven--it's not quite the same, but, under the circumstances her party has to be a little different than a normal party. I have taken great delight with images in my head of a bunch of angel kids in heaven all gathered together to play angel games such as catch the balloon floating up from earth, and run as fast as you can past all the pinwheels outside to make them spin, and dance in the light of all the candles all over the earth lit for her birthday. Those are the images I would like to remember this year for her angel birthday.
So, this is Janessa's 2nd Angel Birthday Invitation:
So, this is Janessa's 2nd Angel Birthday Invitation:
Your Invited
to Janessa's
2nd Angel Birthday Party!
To: All Angel Babies
When: Friday, March 9th
Where: Heaven
Games:
Catch the Balloon From Earth
Run Past a Pinwheel to make it spin
Dance in the light of the candles lit at 9:08 p.m.
For all Friends and Family and Mommy's and Daddy's of Angels who would like to participate these are some ideas:
-Release a balloon to Heaven on March 9th or
-Put a pinwheel outside in your yard on March 9th or
-Light a candle around 9:08 p.m. (the time Janessa was born) on March 9th
Thank you to anyone who chooses to participate in any way--it means a lot to me.
Thank you to anyone who chooses to participate in any way--it means a lot to me.
Remember you can still enter the angel bear/rainbow pinwheel give-a-way drawing in honor of Janessa's b-day by clicking HERE.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
March 7th, 2012--10 Months
It's been 10 months since I miscarried my precious Angel, Hope Abigail and now I begin the 10 week remembrance to her angel b-day. Those precious, very quick 10 weeks that she and I shared.
The other day I went and got my hair cut, but, I forgot how stylists like to "chit chat" while they cut your hair. That's okay, it's just the first question seems to always be "how many kids do you have?" This time I didn't even stop to think or hesitate I instantly blurted out 8, 6 on earth, 2 in heaven. The stylist wasn't fazed at all she just continued to ask general questions about my kids. I was happy that I am finally able to answer that question and be okay with my answer.
It's been a hard couple of days. I'm frustrated that I don't feel the overwhelming peace that I felt last year during this week--I've felt small moments of peace, but mainly I just feel empty and broken.
I Love You!
Love, Mommy
The other day I went and got my hair cut, but, I forgot how stylists like to "chit chat" while they cut your hair. That's okay, it's just the first question seems to always be "how many kids do you have?" This time I didn't even stop to think or hesitate I instantly blurted out 8, 6 on earth, 2 in heaven. The stylist wasn't fazed at all she just continued to ask general questions about my kids. I was happy that I am finally able to answer that question and be okay with my answer.
It's been a hard couple of days. I'm frustrated that I don't feel the overwhelming peace that I felt last year during this week--I've felt small moments of peace, but mainly I just feel empty and broken.
Happy 10 Month Angel Birthday
Hope Abigail!
I Love You!
Love, Mommy
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Tuesdays
My heart and mind know that today is Tuesday, even though it is not the 9th today, it is a Tuesday. Janessa died on a Tuesday. Two years ago on a Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. I was given the worse news any parent can be given--my baby had no heartbeat and had passed away. I can still see the scene clearly today, lying on the examination table with a huge tv screen on the wall showing my lifeless baby inside me as the ultrasound technician whispered--I am so sorry there is no heartbeat, your baby has passed away. How are you suppose to react to news like that--mine was instant shock, sadness, denial, and anger.
Today I sit here numb remembering all the memories of that day--remembering that right now 2 years ago they were hooking me up to an IV and petocin and then the anesthesiologist comes in all happy and joking not realizing that mine was not a live birth. I remember me sitting there hoping that the epidural would not only take away the physical pain but also the emotional pain of my breaking heart. Another one of the things I remember from that time is the QUIET of that room. There was no monitors hooked up happily beaping as they tracked my babys heartbeat, there was no music playing to help me focus while the contractions came, there was no tv on trying to keep myself distracted, there wasn't even the constant interuption of nurses--although they did come in every once in a while to check on me they did so somberly and quietly. It was just me and my husband silently holding hands as we watched hour after hour at the downpour of rain outside our window.
I HATE thinking about all that QUIET.
I even hated every Tuesday for the first year because I relived those moments every week. Now I can get through Tuesdays except for this one--this one that my mind goes back and relives all those moments again. This is so incredibly hard. I don't think I will ever really like Tuesdays again.
Today I sit here numb remembering all the memories of that day--remembering that right now 2 years ago they were hooking me up to an IV and petocin and then the anesthesiologist comes in all happy and joking not realizing that mine was not a live birth. I remember me sitting there hoping that the epidural would not only take away the physical pain but also the emotional pain of my breaking heart. Another one of the things I remember from that time is the QUIET of that room. There was no monitors hooked up happily beaping as they tracked my babys heartbeat, there was no music playing to help me focus while the contractions came, there was no tv on trying to keep myself distracted, there wasn't even the constant interuption of nurses--although they did come in every once in a while to check on me they did so somberly and quietly. It was just me and my husband silently holding hands as we watched hour after hour at the downpour of rain outside our window.
I HATE thinking about all that QUIET.
I even hated every Tuesday for the first year because I relived those moments every week. Now I can get through Tuesdays except for this one--this one that my mind goes back and relives all those moments again. This is so incredibly hard. I don't think I will ever really like Tuesdays again.
Hugs,
:`( Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Watching the Sun Come Up
I woke up with instant tears this morning because the dreaded month of March has finally arrived. Then I thought back to last night looking outside at all the snow that had fallen and being amazed because it was 10:30 p.m. and I could see my whole backyard. It has brought me some comfort that a night that should have been completely black like my grief was filled with light almost as if it were daytime. I ran outside and made a few more snowhearts and my heart was filled with such peace and calm as I knelt in the snow watching the sunrise--it was absolutely beautiful. It was so calm and quiet it was as if I was the only person on the earth right then.
My youngest living daughter, who just had her birthday, decided today that she was going to do a countdown for Janessa for her birthday because Janessa isn't here to do it. She even made a paper chain with 8 links--that touched my heart and completely made my day!
My youngest living daughter, who just had her birthday, decided today that she was going to do a countdown for Janessa for her birthday because Janessa isn't here to do it. She even made a paper chain with 8 links--that touched my heart and completely made my day!
This neon small pink pinwheel is Janessa's new pinwheel to represent that she is turning 2. It will be placed next to her big pinwheel when I move all the pinwheels outside again.
The Beautiful Sunrise!
Gotta Love my new neon yellow shoes!!!!! :)
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Remember you can still enter the give-a-way for Janessa's Angel Birthday by clicking HERE
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