Tuesdays

My heart and mind know that today is Tuesday, even though it is not the 9th today, it is a Tuesday.  Janessa died on a Tuesday.  Two years ago on a Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. I was given the worse news any parent can be given--my baby had no heartbeat and had passed away.  I can still see the scene clearly today, lying on the examination table with a huge tv screen on the wall showing my lifeless baby inside me as the ultrasound technician whispered--I am so sorry there is no heartbeat, your baby has passed away.  How are you suppose to react to news like that--mine was instant shock, sadness, denial, and anger. 

Today I sit here numb remembering all the memories of that day--remembering that right now 2 years ago they were hooking me up to an IV and petocin and then the anesthesiologist comes in all happy and joking not realizing that mine was not a live birth.  I remember me sitting there hoping that the epidural would not only take away the physical pain but also the emotional pain of my breaking heart.  Another one of the things I remember from that time is the QUIET of that room.  There was no monitors hooked up happily beaping as they tracked my babys heartbeat, there was no music playing to help me focus while the contractions came, there was no tv on trying to keep myself distracted, there wasn't even the constant interuption of nurses--although they did come in every once in a while to check on me they did so somberly and quietly.  It was just me and my husband silently holding hands as we watched hour after hour at the downpour of rain outside our window. 

I HATE thinking about all that QUIET.

I even hated every Tuesday for the first year because I relived those moments every week.  Now I can get through Tuesdays except for this one--this one that my mind goes back and relives all those moments again.  This is so incredibly hard.  I don't think I will ever really like Tuesdays again.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)