Happy Angel Birthday
Austin Bradley Togneri!
<3 <3
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Remembering
Ended up at my obgyn's office today for a yearly checkup. I really hate that place--sat in the waiting room remembering sitting there 8 months ago with my miscarried baby in a paper sack waiting for them to take me back. Remembered last Oct. sitting there anxiously waiting for them to take me back for an ultrasound to find out why I was bleeding then 1 day later again sitting in that waiting room with my miscarried baby in a paper sack. Remembered 3 years ago going through the same thing--waiting for an ultrasound, then a couple of days later sitting there again with my miscarried baby in a paper sack. I know exactly where I sat each time. Then I remembered sitting in that waiting room almost 5 years ago for just normal appointments when I was pregnant with Janessa. And then that awful appointment when they told me she had died--that time I did not have to wait, I just walked right through the waiting room as my nurse met me at the door and embraced me. That waiting room has become the room of lost dreams and hopes to me.
They also have this hallway that you exit out of so you don't go back through the waiting room. That hallway is the hallway of Horror and Terror when you are a baby loss mom because on each side of the hallway all the way down it are huge pictures of newborn babies--it is such a reminder of what you didn't get --it is like a huge slap in the face. I remember after I was told that my little Jason's heart had stopped beating that I ran down that hallway because all those pictures were so awful and hard to see. Today I just remembered as I walked in those familiar places--not really feeling anything but emptiness.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Remembering the Angels of Sandy Hook Elementary
This day we are remembering the
20 Angel Children and their 6 Teachers
whose lives were stolen too soon.
20 Angels--Sandy Hook Elementary 12/14/2012
Charotte
Charotte
Daniel
Olivia
Josephine
Ana
Dylan
Madeleine
Catherine
Chase
Jesse
James
Grace
Emilie
Jack
Noah
Caroline
Jessica
Aviele
Benjamin
Allison
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Their 6 Angel Teachers and Administrators 12/14/2012
<3 Dawn, Rachel, Anne, Lauren, Mary, Victoria <3
Friday, December 12, 2014
I want my Baby back for Christmas!
This holiday season I am dealing with things a lot better than I have for the past 5 years. I can find little moments of joy and happiness that have not been there in the previous years, but, the grief and pain is still there.
I feel the sting when I see others babies and realize that I should be having my first Christmas with either Jason or Rae Anne this year. I feel the sting when I hear certain Christmas songs and they remind me that my baby never took a breathe and I never got to rock her and sing her lullaby's and that she was silent and still and sleeps forever and it just brings back all those images of sitting in that very QUIET and empty labor and delivery room.
The other day I was trying to find something in my purse and my hand grasped the picture of Janessa that I have kept in my purse since the day she died. I haven't look at it in a long time. It took my breathe away--she is so beautiful. I longed to hold her again. I longed to change that outcome and have her come home alive and be here celebrating her 5th Christmas with us.
I feel the sting when I see others babies and realize that I should be having my first Christmas with either Jason or Rae Anne this year. I feel the sting when I hear certain Christmas songs and they remind me that my baby never took a breathe and I never got to rock her and sing her lullaby's and that she was silent and still and sleeps forever and it just brings back all those images of sitting in that very QUIET and empty labor and delivery room.
The other day I was trying to find something in my purse and my hand grasped the picture of Janessa that I have kept in my purse since the day she died. I haven't look at it in a long time. It took my breathe away--she is so beautiful. I longed to hold her again. I longed to change that outcome and have her come home alive and be here celebrating her 5th Christmas with us.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with the mess our family has become because of Janessa's death. I have been putting off deciding how I want to decorate her grave for Christmas this year. I have been putting off deciding when to go decorate her grave. Part of me doesn't want to go to the cemetery at all, but, the mothering part of me knows I need to go so I can mother Janessa in the only way I get to now. I see all the cute dolls and toys that a 5 year old would want to play with and it just kills me that I don't get that chance to buy those things for her, I don't get to watch her excitement over the tree and lights and gifts. I don't get to see her happily rip those Christmas presents open, all I get is to go to the awful cemetery and decorate her grave--it is not a fair trade--it really sucks. I knit a Christmas hat for her grave this year, even though I shouldn't be knitting because my arm still hurts. I didn't care, I wanted to make something new for her grave this year, I'm tired of using the same old decorations year after year. As I knit I just cried inside because I've been enduring Christmas like this for 5 years now. 5 years is such a long time. I'm dreading her 5th year angel birthday. I want my baby back for Christmas!! I want all of my babies back for Christmas--my 4 1/2 year old Janessa, my 3 1/2 year old Hope, my 1 year old or what should be 8 month old Jason and my 1 month old Rae Anne. I miss my babies <3 :`(
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
3/9
My life seems to revolve around the number 9. Today we have reached December 9th again. What does that mean? It means it has been 9 months for the 5th time since Janessa's angel birthday. I hate it when I get to this point because I start thinking again about how I could have gone through another whole pregnancy in this time. I hate it because it means Janessa's 5th angel birthday is coming up in 3 months. This whole date represents her angel birthday 3/9--3 months until her birthday/9 months since her birthday.
That 9 represents the 9 months that I carried her and this year I get a little double whammy because this month also is 9 months since I loss Rae Anne and 3 months until her 1st angel birthday. I think part of this hang up with the number 9 is that after 9 months of pregnancy I should have brought home an alive baby. So, my brain and heart still can't figure out what has happened so I live my life in segments of 9 months waiting for that alive baby to come home with me, but, that is going to happen now. I'm not sure how to get myself off of these 9 month segments--it's like I'm the doggy or kitty waiting patiently at the door for their owner to come home and they never come, but, I still continue to wait and wait and wait.
I even discovered as we took the license plates off of our old van that we sold that they represent Janessa too. 939--9 months I carried her--she was the 9th person in our family, 3 months till her angel birthday--she was born in March the 3rd month and another 9 for her angel date on the 9th.
I think I really hate the 9th.
That 9 represents the 9 months that I carried her and this year I get a little double whammy because this month also is 9 months since I loss Rae Anne and 3 months until her 1st angel birthday. I think part of this hang up with the number 9 is that after 9 months of pregnancy I should have brought home an alive baby. So, my brain and heart still can't figure out what has happened so I live my life in segments of 9 months waiting for that alive baby to come home with me, but, that is going to happen now. I'm not sure how to get myself off of these 9 month segments--it's like I'm the doggy or kitty waiting patiently at the door for their owner to come home and they never come, but, I still continue to wait and wait and wait.
I even discovered as we took the license plates off of our old van that we sold that they represent Janessa too. 939--9 months I carried her--she was the 9th person in our family, 3 months till her angel birthday--she was born in March the 3rd month and another 9 for her angel date on the 9th.
I think I really hate the 9th.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Said Goodbye to a Good Friend today
Said goodbye to a good friend today--okay, okay, it is our old van and I shouldn't be all emotional about it, but we've had this van for the past 16 years, more than half of my married life. This van brought our newborn babies home from the hospital, took us on family vacations, took us to countless doctors, dentists, and counseling appointments, was my grief hideout when I needed to cry and didn't want anyone to see me, was our drivers ed car for our 3 oldest children, and took my 2 oldest kids to and from college classes and work. It has been an AWESOME vehicle, but, it is over 25 years old and it finally decided it was time to retire.
We also said goodbye last month to all the car seat and infant carriers we had stored in our basement. It is like closing the door on a piece of our history--our little kid/baby/toddler part of our lives. We are no longer a mini van family--it is a happy/sad day. Time to move forward into the next stage of our lives. . . . . . . . . . .
We also said goodbye last month to all the car seat and infant carriers we had stored in our basement. It is like closing the door on a piece of our history--our little kid/baby/toddler part of our lives. We are no longer a mini van family--it is a happy/sad day. Time to move forward into the next stage of our lives. . . . . . . . . . .
Goodbye good Friend, you served us well <3
Friday, December 5, 2014
Baby Larsen Triplets' Angel Birthday Dec. 5th
Happy 1st Angel Birthday
Baby Larsen Triplets!
<3 <3 <3
Thursday, December 4, 2014
The Christmas Orange Tradition
The holidays are extremely hard when you are grieving the loss of your child. For the last 4 years I have just wanted to run away and hide from everything--I hated that everything was so "happy" and "cheerful" when I felt like crap. I've had to find a new normal as far as Christmas traditions for our family and that new normal has changed each year that I have added another angel baby to our family. I wanted to share one of the traditions that I started my first Christmas that I loss Janessa.
I had bought Janessa a Christmas stocking when I was pregnant with her and if I could go back now I would have hung that stocking up then and celebrated what was her 1st and last Christmas with her. After she died and Christmas approached, I didn't know what to do with her Christmas Stocking. Should I hang it up with all the others, or would that be too hard to see or make others uncomfortable or make them think I was a wacko hanging up a Christmas stocking for a dead baby? Then there was all the emotions around the fact that her stocking would remain empty just like my empty arms and heart. But, I didn't want to just pretend that she never existed. I finally came up with a new tradition for our family that helped calm all those feelings. We read the story The Christmas Orange (this is the link to that story The Christmas Orange) at the beginning of December. Then we try to do acts of kindness for people and every time we do we put a little slip of paper that has a smile face on it into Janessa's stocking. Then on Christmas Morning I put a chocolate orange into her stocking and we dump out all of the "kindness papers" So her stocking is not empty it is full of LOVE. That really helped me get through that first Christmas. I had a harder time with this tradition when I added Hope and Jason's Christmas stockings. Last year it was hard trying to fill up 3 angel baby stockings and I was angry because I didn't want to fill up Jason's stocking, I wanted to still be pregnant with him so this tradition didn't go over quite as well.
This year was overwhelming to me adding Rae Anne's Christmas stocking and it was frustrating me because there was just no way to fill up 4 stockings now. That was when I decided to change that tradition a little. I hung up the Christmas stockings before Thanksgiving this year and I have strips of paper that every day we write things we're thankful for that day or something good that happened that day or an act of kindness we did or someone else did on and we are filling up each of their stockings with that. On Christmas Eve we are going to take those slips of paper and make a huge Christmas paper chain that we will put around our Christmas tree as a reminder of all the simple and small little good things that have happened. I'm also happy to report that I have found 4 different flavors of chocolate oranges so each of my angels will have a unique and different chocolate orange in their stocking. That was really bothering me that they would all be the same chocolate orange.
I've found over the past 5 years that doing just little things like this has helped take away some of the sting and hurt that the holidays seem to bring.
I had bought Janessa a Christmas stocking when I was pregnant with her and if I could go back now I would have hung that stocking up then and celebrated what was her 1st and last Christmas with her. After she died and Christmas approached, I didn't know what to do with her Christmas Stocking. Should I hang it up with all the others, or would that be too hard to see or make others uncomfortable or make them think I was a wacko hanging up a Christmas stocking for a dead baby? Then there was all the emotions around the fact that her stocking would remain empty just like my empty arms and heart. But, I didn't want to just pretend that she never existed. I finally came up with a new tradition for our family that helped calm all those feelings. We read the story The Christmas Orange (this is the link to that story The Christmas Orange) at the beginning of December. Then we try to do acts of kindness for people and every time we do we put a little slip of paper that has a smile face on it into Janessa's stocking. Then on Christmas Morning I put a chocolate orange into her stocking and we dump out all of the "kindness papers" So her stocking is not empty it is full of LOVE. That really helped me get through that first Christmas. I had a harder time with this tradition when I added Hope and Jason's Christmas stockings. Last year it was hard trying to fill up 3 angel baby stockings and I was angry because I didn't want to fill up Jason's stocking, I wanted to still be pregnant with him so this tradition didn't go over quite as well.
This year was overwhelming to me adding Rae Anne's Christmas stocking and it was frustrating me because there was just no way to fill up 4 stockings now. That was when I decided to change that tradition a little. I hung up the Christmas stockings before Thanksgiving this year and I have strips of paper that every day we write things we're thankful for that day or something good that happened that day or an act of kindness we did or someone else did on and we are filling up each of their stockings with that. On Christmas Eve we are going to take those slips of paper and make a huge Christmas paper chain that we will put around our Christmas tree as a reminder of all the simple and small little good things that have happened. I'm also happy to report that I have found 4 different flavors of chocolate oranges so each of my angels will have a unique and different chocolate orange in their stocking. That was really bothering me that they would all be the same chocolate orange.
I've found over the past 5 years that doing just little things like this has helped take away some of the sting and hurt that the holidays seem to bring.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Joy and Pain
I had a really hard endurance day yesterday as I sat in a waiting room for my youngest living daughter's pediatric dentist appointment. We unfortunately scheduled it for right after their lunch break so we ended up waiting in the hallway with 3 other families for the office to open back up. That was tough because the 3 other families there had babies and children from ages 1-5. The little kids sat in the hall way playing duck duck goose and I felt both sad and happy. Happy because it was really cute and sad because I thought of my 4 angel children who were these kids ages and how they should be with me. I tried really hard to just focus on other things praying that office door would open. Even after we got into the actual waiting room, I still struggled because all of those kids starting playing make believe birthday picnic with the toys they had. I miss that stage of my children's lives and it was a big reminder of what I am missing out on with Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne. I was able to keep in control and not freak out and start crying which was huge for me, but, I was so glad and relieved when that appointment was over and I was was walking out that office door knowing I wouldn't have to come back for another 6 months!!! I took my daughter and did a little "shopping therapy" afterwards to help relieve the stress I felt.
One thing I have noticed this year is that I am enjoying hearing the Christmas music (though there are still some Christmas songs that hurt too much and I turn the radio off for them), seeing the Christmas lights and the Christmas decorations and I find great peace and joy in seeing the Christmas trees that people have up in their windows and that offices have up in their waiting rooms. This is so weird for me because for the past 5 years all those things have brought me such grief and pain that I have hated seeing them and I have gone to great efforts to advert my eyes and protect my hurting heart. This year it is like I'm seeing them all through the eyes of someone seeing them for the very first time and it is glorious. It's not that the pain and grief has gone away, but, that it has finally softened and made a little room for Joy and Peace and for that I am grateful. <3
One thing I have noticed this year is that I am enjoying hearing the Christmas music (though there are still some Christmas songs that hurt too much and I turn the radio off for them), seeing the Christmas lights and the Christmas decorations and I find great peace and joy in seeing the Christmas trees that people have up in their windows and that offices have up in their waiting rooms. This is so weird for me because for the past 5 years all those things have brought me such grief and pain that I have hated seeing them and I have gone to great efforts to advert my eyes and protect my hurting heart. This year it is like I'm seeing them all through the eyes of someone seeing them for the very first time and it is glorious. It's not that the pain and grief has gone away, but, that it has finally softened and made a little room for Joy and Peace and for that I am grateful. <3
Monday, December 1, 2014
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