I had a really hard endurance day yesterday as I sat in a waiting room for my youngest living daughter's pediatric dentist appointment. We unfortunately scheduled it for right after their lunch break so we ended up waiting in the hallway with 3 other families for the office to open back up. That was tough because the 3 other families there had babies and children from ages 1-5. The little kids sat in the hall way playing duck duck goose and I felt both sad and happy. Happy because it was really cute and sad because I thought of my 4 angel children who were these kids ages and how they should be with me. I tried really hard to just focus on other things praying that office door would open. Even after we got into the actual waiting room, I still struggled because all of those kids starting playing make believe birthday picnic with the toys they had. I miss that stage of my children's lives and it was a big reminder of what I am missing out on with Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne. I was able to keep in control and not freak out and start crying which was huge for me, but, I was so glad and relieved when that appointment was over and I was was walking out that office door knowing I wouldn't have to come back for another 6 months!!! I took my daughter and did a little "shopping therapy" afterwards to help relieve the stress I felt.
One thing I have noticed this year is that I am enjoying hearing the Christmas music (though there are still some Christmas songs that hurt too much and I turn the radio off for them), seeing the Christmas lights and the Christmas decorations and I find great peace and joy in seeing the Christmas trees that people have up in their windows and that offices have up in their waiting rooms. This is so weird for me because for the past 5 years all those things have brought me such grief and pain that I have hated seeing them and I have gone to great efforts to advert my eyes and protect my hurting heart. This year it is like I'm seeing them all through the eyes of someone seeing them for the very first time and it is glorious. It's not that the pain and grief has gone away, but, that it has finally softened and made a little room for Joy and Peace and for that I am grateful. <3
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