HOPE

I have to admit that I had 2 reasons for ordering this photo from Catherine from The Sacred Seashore on Oct. 3rd--exactly 1 week before Jason became an angel.  First, was that I was so excited to have Hope's name written in the sand under rainbow water--I've had a lot of beach names done of Janessa's name but only a few--thanks to some blm friends who have written it for me all over the world--of Hope's name.  The other reason I wanted this picture is for the meaning of HOPE--it was my theme for helping me through my 12 weeks of pregnancy.  I wanted to hang this picture up in my room to remind me of my little Hope Abigail, but, also to remind me to have hope and believe that my 2nd rainbow pregnancy was going to be okay.  I felt a little bad when I got the picture after I had already miscarried Jason remembering my 2nd reason for wanting it.  Now I want this picture for a 3rd reason--the HOPE to carry on after my 3rd baby loss.  The HOPE to find meaning in my life again.  The HOPE to keep trusting God and his new plan for my life.

Rainbow's essentially just mean the HOPE after the storm to find the light of peace.  Rainbow HOPE comes in different forms for all people.  For some it is a rainbow baby, for others it is more angel babies, for some it is finding peace in small daily things like a sunrise or sunset, for others it is in reaching out to help other baby loss mommies.  HOPE is available to everyone in different forms at different times through out your life--the key is finding the HOPE that works best for you at that moment.

For all my baby loss mommy friends who are pregnant with their rainbows, Amy, Kate, Christy, Tiffany, and Roxanne, and all others who I may not know about right now, I want you to know that I am Happy for you.  I look on in awe at the hard rainbow journey you continue now without me.  You all deserve all the happiness in the world!  All the rainbow babies being born next year to my baby loss mommy friends will now be part of my "healing" process and how I find some of my daily peace as I read updates from all of you and pray for all of you.  My little angel Jason will live on through all of your beautiful rainbow babies <3

Job 1:21

The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

Baby Rivera's PinWheel

Thor Malinko's PinWheel

"Lil' T"

 



The Holidays and The Grinch

I have very mixed emotions for the holidays coming up.  For the past 3 years I have been The Grinch over every holiday.  I have hated the holidays because it was a big reminder to me that Janessa and Hope were gone and not here to celebrate with us.  I've tried different ways to include them, but, always ended up in tears because I wanted them in my arms instead.  I have tried not to make every one else miserable, but, I failed at that too.  I basically have just endured until Oct., Nov., and Dec., were over and then could finally breathe again because they were over and I survived another year.  A lot of that was my PTSD which I have been working on with my therapy.  I was actually looking forward to the holidays this year before my miscarriage of Jason.  We had made all these grand plans for each holiday because we were afraid that we would loose Jason at the end like we did Janessa so we were going to help him enjoy a full life inside of me.  Now I look at all those grand plans and I go back and forth between slumping in a corner weeping because I am empty again and there is no little baby inside me to celebrate with and ripping those plans to shreds and putting on my green and declaring my Grinchhood for the next 3 months and then a small little light inside me quietly calls to modify those plans and fit them to our new normal.  I don't know which emotion to listen to.

I'm tired of being the Grinch whose heart is 2 sizes too small.  I don't want Jason's death to make my heart even smaller or 3 sizes too small, I want to celebrate his little life.  I want Jason to be the "light" that makes my Grinchy holiday heart burst and grow 5 sizes and He be the reason that I ride back into my "whoville" playing Christmas Music and enjoying each moment of every holiday.  It seems like an impossible task, especially now that there are 3 holes in my heart and I am NOT getting the little 5 month pregnant belly and being able to feel him kick and move and being able to see him on an ultrasound,  that I was so looking forward to as my Christmas present this year.

Somehow, someway I've got to change my Grinchy ways this year--my living children deserve better, my husband deserves better, my angel babies deserve better, I deserve better!

 

 

 

Sorry for the swearing--but honestly "Hell" is the only way I know how to describe losing your baby to death--especially 3 babies!!!

Write Jason's Name Creatively Event

Write Jason's Name Creatively Event
(Jason Nephi - 10/10/2013)

I was so excited this year for Christmas because I thought I would be almost 5 months pregnant with Jason and I was excited to share Christmas with him. In an effort to help me get through Christmas now, I am going to take the pictures I did take for the 12 weeks he was with me and create an Angel Baby Book on Shutterfly that will be my Christmas Present this year. I would love to include Jason's name written in all different ways from all of you to include in this Angel Baby Book. So you can write his name and then post it on my https://www.facebook.com/pinwheelsfromheaven facebook page or email it to me anytime starting now until Jason's 1 Month Angel Birthday Nov. 10th. Feel free to invite your friends to this too. Thank You <3

((Hugs))

Shauna

(Janessa, Hope Abigail, and Jason's Mommy)

 

 

Kaden Leon's Angel Birthday Oct. 22

Happy Angel Birthday

Kaden Leon!

 

 



Returning to Church after a loss AGAIN!

Going back to church yesterday was so hard!  Lucky for me I teach in primary so I didn't have to face the possible rejection from the other women because they didn't know what to say to me or that they would fear me because now I've loss 3 babies and I'm really scary now like I got from some of them after I loss Janessa.  I got to be with a class of wild and crazy 9 year olds for 2 hours teaching about the Articles of Faith and I LOVED it.  They accept me no matter what.  In our Sacrament Meeting where we all meet together again we had my neighbors 3 girls sitting with us because she just had a baby.  We've had them sitting with us for the past 4 weeks and I have loved taking up an entire row having 8 sometimes 9 kids sitting with us because one of my daughters friends sits with us too.  Okay I do get a thrill out of looking down the row at my son's reactions to having to sit with a row of 8 girls--totally hilarious!!!  I also have loved that when I do my "Mommy Count"  to make sure all our kids are there that with our 3 borrowed neighbor girls that finally I count the right number and just for that moment I felt an incredible peace! 

I was also worried that because of my miscarriage that I may have lost all of the progress I had made with my EMDR therapy in being able to make it through church.  I am so happy to report that it has all stayed the same and that I still feel the peace and calm at church.  It still hurts to see the babies, but, that is just a normal grief reaction to what has happened.  It was Not  the “stressed out, I can’t deal with this gotta get outta here” feelings that I had before the EMDR therapy.  I am so happy that the EMDR therapy is permanent not temporary. 

When I loss Janessa, because of the way I was treated, I began to believe that there really was something wrong with me and that I was some sort of monster whose baby had died inside of her.  It got really bad when I loss Hope Abigail a year later.  I can feel my thoughts pulling me in that direction again especially now that I have 3 loss babies, but, I will NOT allow them to go there!!  I am NOT a MONSTER!!! 

I am a Daughter of God--who Loves Me and I Love Him!!  I am Unique and Special--some women make babies they get to love and care for on earth (I am one of them!)--some women "adopt" others children whether literally or figuratively and love them and care for them as their own (I am one of them figuratively through my primary class and my World Vision Sponsor Child, Sohani!) and some women make Angel Babies who they have to let go back to God while nursing a broken heart and figure out how to mother them from earth while their angel babies are in Heaven until they get to see them again (I am one of them!)

I received a couple of Hugs From Heaven yesterday and today.  The first was being able to watch a beautiful sunrise over the pinwheels yesterday. 

 

 

 

 

The next was emails from concerned friends and looks of empathy from people who could see the hurt deep in my heart.  And finally, today I received the necklace I ordered from Held Your Whole Life.  I just barely ordered one a little over a month ago that had Janessa and Hope's names on it that I wanted to be able to wear through all of Jason's pregnancy and I guess I was able to do that.  I wanted another one that had all 3 of their names on it.  I didn't know if they would be able to fit all 3 of their names and they did and they put 3 little hearts on there too--it turned out so beautiful!!!  It gives me a way to still carry them with me.

 

 

I Am Thankful

It is really hard for me to even think about my miscarriage.  I'm still in shock and can't believe it happened.  I relieve bits and pieces of it at different moments and different times all throughout the day.  Some of the things that are helping me through each day are definitely kind words from concerned friends, prayer that I can accept Heavenly Father's Plan for my life and that I can make it through each day, and being able to think about the things I am thankful for.

I am thankful that at the age of 42 I was able to get pregnant again and finally get a positive on a pregnancy test.

I am thankful that I took 3 of those pregnancy tests.

I am thankful that I realized how precious each moment is while I was pregnant and that I took weekly pregnancy pictures, wrote in a weekly journal to Jason, cuddled him in my belly, talked to him, and sang to him.

I am thankful for all the weird food cravings that I had that were different than any I had with any of my other pregnancies. 

I am thankful I was courageous and brave and that I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and got in to see him at 8 weeks. 

I am thankful I got a pregnancy bag filled with all the samples of junk and that I was filled with hope being able to walk out of that office with it.

I am thankful my doctor did an ultrasound at 8 weeks and that we found Jason and his heartbeat and my doctor zoomed in close so that I could see that beautiful heartbeat and for the peace and joy I felt.

I am thankful my doctor printed out a picture of that ultrasound so I have at least 1 picture of Jason.

I am thankful that for 3 weeks I was part of my doctors 5 over forty pregnancy group of women.

I am thankful that we told our kids so that they could be excited and get to know Jason for a little bit. 

I am thankful that we gave him the nickname of "MaHyrum"  and for all the jokes and happiness we shared as a family in what we called "womb service".

I am thankful for my Trauma Counselor helping through all the fears I had while I was pregnant and that she has been with me from the start of his pregnancy to the end.

I am thankful for experience and knowledge so that I knew what to do when the miscarriage happened and that I made it a better experience than my last miscarriage.

I am so thankful that I knitted those little blue hats the week before so that I could have something to wrap Jason's jar in as a last way for me to hug and hold him.

I am thankful we got to take some last minute pictures before I miscarried of my pregnant belly and as a family.

I am thankful that as a family we chose Jason's name and that we were a lot more open about our feelings this time and a lot more supportive of each other.

I am thankful I had already bought an extra big blue star pinwheel last February because I wouldn't have found anything at the stores now.

I am thankful that a lot of my neighbors all lit 3 little candles in their front windows as a show of remembrance of love for my 3 little angel babies.

I am so very thankful that Jason and I shared:

12 Weeks

3 Months

84 Days

2,016 Hours

120, 969 minutes

 

<3 TOGETHER <3 

 

I AM GRATEFUL FOR EVERY MINUTE!

 

Carter Cooper's Angel Birthday Oct. 20

Happy Angel Birthday

Carter Cooper!

 



Rain Serenity's Angel Birthday Oct. 20th

Happy Angel Birthday

Rain Serenity!

 



The Monster at the end of this Book

Had a trigger moment this morning while I was cleaning up and found this little book I had bought in September for Jason. I really tried hard not to buy things for Jason because I knew how hard it was to see all the things I had bought for. Janessa that she never got to use. But when I saw this book at the store last month I couldn't resist because it is my kid's favorite book and our copy has been trashed going through 6 kids, this book was a small board book format that would have been perfect for baby hands, teeth, and slobber. Makes me sad he will never see it, hear it, or use it now.

 

 

 

 

The Fabulous Five over Forty Pregnant Group

At my first obgyn appointment my doctor told me that he had 4 other patients over the age of 40 now that were pregnant and that I made number 5.  We were the fabulous 5 over 40 because all of our pregnancies were going really well.  Except I got kicked out of that group last week.  I was the newest member and I am the first to leave without the prize (my alive baby) at the end.  I really hope the other 4 over 40 stay as a group and that each one of them has a healthy alive baby <3

I just feel so alone and left out watching that Fabulous Five Four over Forty bus pull away without me.  I want to chase it down screaming it was a mistake my baby is still with me but I know that is not meant to be.  I am being forced to watch from the sidelines again as everyone else get's their happily ever afters.  Life is so Unfair! :`(

NOT Week 13

So today wasn't what it was suppose to be.  There was NO happy rainbow socks to wear and NO weekly pregnancy picture to take.  There was NO doctor's appointment to go to so I could hear my baby's heartbeat. 

Instead there was daffodils to be planted in anticipation that in April I will have a beautiful reminder of my sweet Jason's due date.

There was emails from friends just checking on me to see how I was doing--that meant a lot.  There was a surprise sherbet smoothie from my parents to let me know they were thinking of me--that was YUMMY!!

There was star socks to wear and 3 little knit hats to make. 

 

 

Yes, it was NOT the week 13 that I had planned on, but, it was okay.  For me I need to continue these weekly Friday traditions that I had started while I was pregnant with Jason, but, now they will be new traditions. 

 

I really like the weekly socks so every Friday I will wear some star socks in remembrance of Jason. 

 

I associate knit hats with Jason because that is one of the last things I did for him was knit some blue hats and it is what I used to wrap around the collection jar as a final way for me to hold him and hug him.  So every Friday I will knit a small baby hat.  Today's 3 knit hats are in remembrance of all of my angel babies and I will be putting them in little miscarriage h.o.p.e. (helping other people endure) bags that I will be giving to my obgyn's office next week at my follow-up appointment so they can give them to the next 3 people who have a miscarriage so that they won't have to leave that office so empty-handed.  I haven't quite decided what I'll be doing with all the rest of the little hats--maybe using for more h.o.p.e. bags or maybe I'll use them next Christmas as the ornaments for the angel tree.

 

I will live my pregnancy vicariously through Angel Joey's Mommy (Roxanne) who was only a couple days ahead of me and enjoy her weekly updates about her rainbow baby.

 

On the 10th each month I will wear my star socks again, I will try and watch the sunrise, I will try to creatively write Jason's name, and I will write an email to our little world vision sponsored child, Sohani, in India, and I will light the number of candles for the months that Jason has been an angel.

 

I'm hoping that by continuing these new traditions it will help take some of the sting out of missing out on all of the old traditions.  So each Friday I will be posting a picture of  my NOT weekly update.

Juan Jose Jr's Angel Birthday Oct. 18

Happy Angel Birthday

Juan Jose Jr!

 

 

Lucas' Angel Birthday Oct. 18th

Happy Angel Birthday

Lucas!

 



A Reality Check for Today

Today I am Angry!  Today life is NOT fair!  I had to get out of here because I couldn't handle all the memories from last week.  All the shock and horror of being told my baby was dead.  All the horrible memories of going through my miscarriage. 

Today I gave myself a reality check and did another pregnancy test.  Last week after I got back from the doctor I quickly did a pregnancy test before I miscarried and this was the result--it was comforting to still see a positive sign.

 

Today Oct. 17th exactly 1 week later this test tells it all--NOT PREGNANT.  No more wondering maybe they were wrong, maybe there were twins and I'm still pregnant--NOPE--everything about my baby is now GONE and I am empty.  This SUCKS!!!  I hate this reality Check!!

 

 

I grabbed these skittles up at the store because they said they are the Darkside--the other side of the rainbow and that fits my life perfectly right now--I'm so mad that my rainbow baby got stolen from me again last week! I'm mad because this is the time when I was told for the third awful time that my baby had no heartbeat and when my miscarriage quickly began and then ended!! I am always on the darkside and other side of the rainbow baby land and it SUCKS!!!

Jason Nephi an Angel for 1 Week

Remembering You today my precious little angel.  Wish we were still together --  I miss You!

Love, Mommy

 

Thank You Gale!! <3

 

Remembering Aviele Richman--Oct. 17th

Remembering

Aviele Richman

on her Angel Birthday

 

(Sandy Hook Angel)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.aviellefoundation.org/

Emily Grace's Angel Birthday--Oct. 16

Happy Angel Birthday

 

Emily Grace!

 



Just for Today

Thank you to everyone who lit candles in remembrance of my angels and for sharing those pictures with me--it has meant a lot to me

I way overdid it yesterday by trying to do everything myself and not asking for help and I am paying for that today both physically and emotionally. I am trying too hard to portray the image of the "tough strong girl" who can handle everything when in reality I am weak and I hurt both physically and emotionally. Physically I am still trying to recover from my miscarriage and I haven't allowed myself to do that because I am angry and so I haven't allowed myself to rest or take it easy. Emotionally I hurt so bad that some days I don't know how to handle it all--no matter how hard I try not to, I cry myself to sleep every night.

Today I am overwhelmed because it is Wednesday and it has been 1 week since this whole mess began.  I want to rewind time and change it so badly.  I want to still be pregnant and be looking forward to turning 13 weeks this Friday and wearing my celebration rainbow socks and going in for my 2nd obgyn appointment to hear my babies heartbeat and discuss what testing I need to have done, not dreading tomorrow and all the emotional turmoil of emotionally reliving my miscarriage and the realization that it will be 1 week since my baby went to Heaven.

I don't know how to get through tomorrow. I don't know how I survived the first little while after I loss Janessa and Hope.  I just know I did and I will again somehow.
 
But, for today I am finally going to take care of myself.  I am going to put myself on bed rest and ask for help and not feel guilty.  I am going to take a long shower and not feel guilty.  I am going to cry and hug my stuff bears and miss my angel babies and not feel guilty.  I am going to take my pain meds. and my stress meds. and not feel guilty and that I am weak because I am right now.  I am going to spend the day watching tv and dvds and allow my brain and heart some time away from the grief and not feel guilty.  Today I am just going to endure and survive and that will be good enough.

PinWheel Healing Field Oct. 15th 2013

Yesterday was really hard for me--so many mixed emotions as I lit the candles. When I went outside to place the candles by the pinwheels all up and down my street my neighbors had lit 3 little candles in their windows to honor and remember my 3 little angels. I am overcome with emotion-- this meant so much to me!

 

 

 

THERE WAS A GRAND TOTAL OF 212

PINWHEELS THIS YEAR