Going
back to church yesterday was so hard!
Lucky for me I teach in primary so I didn't have to face the possible
rejection from the other women because they didn't know what to say to me or that
they would fear me because now I've loss 3 babies and I'm really scary now like
I got from some of them after I loss Janessa.
I got to be with a class of wild and crazy 9 year olds for 2 hours
teaching about the Articles of Faith and I LOVED it. They accept me no matter what. In our Sacrament Meeting where we all meet
together again we had my neighbors 3 girls sitting with us because she just had
a baby. We've had them sitting with us
for the past 4 weeks and I have loved taking up an entire row having 8
sometimes 9 kids sitting with us because one of my daughters friends sits with
us too. Okay I do get a thrill out of
looking down the row at my son's reactions to having to sit with a row of 8
girls--totally hilarious!!! I also have
loved that when I do my "Mommy Count"
to make sure all our kids are there that with our 3 borrowed neighbor
girls that finally I count the right number and just for that moment I felt an
incredible peace!
I was also worried
that because of my miscarriage that I may have lost all of the progress I had
made with my EMDR therapy in being able to make it through church. I am so happy to report that it has all
stayed the same and that I still feel the peace and calm at church. It still hurts to see the babies, but, that
is just a normal grief reaction to what has happened. It was Not the “stressed out, I
can’t deal with this gotta get outta here” feelings that I had before the EMDR
therapy. I am so happy that the EMDR therapy is permanent not
temporary.
When I loss Janessa, because of the way I was treated, I began to
believe that there really was something wrong with me and that I was some sort
of monster whose baby had died inside of her.
It got really bad when I loss Hope Abigail a year later. I can feel my thoughts pulling me in that
direction again especially now that I have 3 loss babies, but, I will NOT allow
them to go there!! I am NOT a
MONSTER!!!
I am a Daughter of God--who Loves Me and I Love Him!! I am Unique and Special--some women make
babies they get to love and care for on earth (I am one of them!)--some women
"adopt" others children whether literally or figuratively and love
them and care for them as their own (I am one of them figuratively through my
primary class and my World Vision Sponsor Child, Sohani!) and some women make
Angel Babies who they have to let go back to God while nursing a broken heart
and figure out how to mother them from earth while their angel babies are in Heaven
until they get to see them again (I am one of them!)
I received a couple of Hugs From Heaven yesterday and today. The first was being able to watch a beautiful
sunrise over the pinwheels yesterday.
The next was emails from concerned friends and looks of empathy from
people who could see the hurt deep in my heart.
And finally, today I received the necklace I ordered from Held Your
Whole Life. I just barely ordered one a
little over a month ago that had Janessa and Hope's names on it that I wanted
to be able to wear through all of Jason's pregnancy and I guess I was able to
do that. I wanted another one that had
all 3 of their names on it. I didn't
know if they would be able to fit all 3 of their names and they did and they
put 3 little hearts on there too--it turned out so beautiful!!! It gives me a way to still carry them with
me.
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