One of my reasons for my "winter" mood is I made a handprint wall quilt with my kids and I got all emotional as I was tracing everyones real hands and then I got out the paper copy of the handprints the hospital made of Janessa's hands--I'm grateful I have the copies, but, I wished I was tracing her real hands instead. It just was a reminder of sitting in the hospital room holding her little still hands wishing she were grasping mine. That's been one of the hardest things to see is babies reaching up and holding onto their parents hands because I didn't get that.
Another reason for my "winter" mood is I watched a rerun of an old show called CHIPS. I was doing okay until I realized from little hints they had given about this lady who had kidnapped this little girl was that she was grieving because her 7 year old daughter had died. I felt instant empathy for this tv character. I was angry when "Ponch" my use to be hero from childhood approaches this lady and his words of comfort are "you're young you can have more children!" I'm like I can't believe he just said that! She can NEVER replace that daughter that she lost you moron! Yes, I know it is just a TV show but sometimes it represents how I feel others have treated me since I lost Janessa--"Get Over It--Move On--Be Grateful you have 6 other living kids" So much for childhood heroes--real life has a way of taking even the simpilest of pleasures away from you.
I didn't realize as I was taking pictures of more snowhearts I made that amongst these snowhearts there was my peach tree with pretty pink blossoms that I hadn't noticed before today. It gave me a chance amidst all the gloomy snow to reflect on and enjoy some spring. So, I guess as I'm surrounded by my grumpy, sad feelings I need to look out for my little bits of "spring" like emails and cards from people just letting me know they are thinking of me, car repairs that end up being cheaper than I thought, dentist appointments with no cavities, and one last Reeses Peanut Butter Cup from Easter!
Hugs,
:) Shauna (:
