23 Months--Feb 9, 2012

Today is Janessa's 23 month angel birthday.  This is a hard day for me because it begins the 30 day count down to her 2nd Angel Birthday.  It begins all the last memories I have of her.  All the kicking and movements, the last doctors appointment and hearing her beautiful heartbeat for what would be the last time, remembering feeling so huge and tired as we tried to share my body, remembering laying there in the middle of the night miserable because there was no comfortable position and feeling her dancing away inside of me having her own little party, remembering as I drove my oldest daughter to and from school that she would kick and move like crazy responding to my oldest daughters voice as she talked to me, and remembering the last time I felt her kick and move.  There are times when I wish I could go back to those last 30 days and first change the outcome, and if I couldn't do that at least cherish and enjoy each one of those moments knowing that it would be my last with her.  It is so incredibly hard because these truly are moments and memories that are just between her and I--my own silent grief.

Added to all of that is the memories of last year and how I literally fell apart.  Last year I couldn't function--I reached out for life lines and found some, but most people had "forgotten" and that in a sense was like they threw me a 100 lb weight instead that dragged me down further. It is so very frustrating to find myself this year again falling apart, different than last year, but, still falling apart.  I imagined this point in my life to be so different last year that I would be able to handle it this year.  But, then I remember that I am still in the middle and in the hardest point of the grief journey with Hope Abigail and that is part of why I am still sitting her 23 months later--a mess.

Happy 23 Month Angel Birthday

Janessa!

It's so hard to believe it has been almost 2 years since

you went to Heaven.  I miss you every day.

I Love You!

Love, Mommy