My plan to get up early and watch a beautiful sunrise--shattered by dark, dreary, gloomy, rainy skies where there was hardly any sun at all. That was a big disappointment to me. I wanted a sunrise full of color and light--a message of love and hope to me from Rae Anne and God that life was going to be okay. Instead I got doom and gloom and emptiness--what I've felt all year.
I am grateful that I did manage to capture the sunrise yesterday, Sunday the 22nd--the day of the week last year that I miscarried so I guess these pictures will have to make up for the lousy sunrise this morning.
I was so disappointed to hear the forecast of cold and rain for Rae Anne's b-day. It has been so nice and warm the last couple of weeks that I thought for sure it would stay the same. I planned a short hike and picnic so I could be out of the house at the time the miscarriage happened because I hate reliving the memories. I planned our usually things of chalk drawing b-day cards and balloon releases.
Because of the prediction of rain everyone did their chalk drawing cards yesterday so that they wouldn't instantly get washed away today. Because it hasn't rained since Janessa's b-day all of her chalk drawing b-day cards were still on the driveway so we had to do Rae Anne's around hers.
I even decorated Rae Anne's memorial stone yesterday so I wouldn't have to do it in the rain.
The problem is the prediction of all day rain didn't happen. Yes, it was cloudy and cold, but, the rain didn't come until. . . . . . .you guessed it time to release balloons. We attempted to go on our hike and picnic, but, that was a total disaster because of a run in with billions of gnats and mosquitoes that tried to carry us away so we ended up having our picnic at home--I think we all would have preferred the rain to the bugs! When I bought the balloons I ended up popping some of them trying to get them in the car before I even got them home. I'd had enough of life after that and just came home and threw myself on my bed and just laid there for the next couple of hours. We did manage to sneak outside between storms and release the balloons--but most of the pictures I took just turned out blurry and one of my daughters balloons got tangled and didn't go up with the others.
So now it's over. No more 1st Angel Birthdays. No more Rainbow Babies. No more Monthly Angel Birthdays. The chalk drawings are all erased--washed away by the rain that finally came. The Owl necklace, shirt, and socks that I've worn each month on the 23rd in honor and remembrance of Rae Anne will be packed away now only to be worn once a year. No more flowers to put around Rae Anne's remembrance stone--all 12 flowers are there now. No more double grief monthly angel birthdays that I have endured for the last 1 1/2 years. In a way it is good because I am so very tired of it all. The grief and depression from loosing both Jason and Rae Anne has left me physically ill and both physically and emotionally exhausted. In another way I feel so very sad, because those monthly reminders gave me a tangible connection to my babies. Now all I am left with is emptiness. I look around and see others so easily get pregnant and go through the 9 months and return home with an alive baby in their arms--something I ache for and will never get again. It just leaves me with this big gaping hole in my heart that will never heal until I am reunited with my angel babies. I feel lost--like I've lost my purpose or maybe I've outgrown this stage in my life and I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to feel or what to think. I long for the peace and joy that I felt on Janessa's 1st angel birthday and that peace and joy I felt in 2012 when I had finally accepted both Hope and Janessa's deaths.
I just know that I will always miss Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne and will always wish that they were here.
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