4 Weeks/30 Days to Janessa's Angel Birthday

Today is hard.  Today it is a Tuesday and the 9th.  In 2010 I would have been down to 30 days left to spend with Janessa until the next Tuesday March 9th.  I am so grateful for leap day on the 29th of this month for moving the next 9th from a Tuesday to a Wednesday so it will not be the same day of the week.  But, for today I relive the Tuesday memories.

I look ahead to the next 30 days and wonder what does her 6th angel birthday look like?  I'm breaking with some of our traditions this year like the rice crispy butterfly cake and the pink balloons to be released.  Those will only be for special b-days now like her 8th b-day and her 9th b-day and her 10th b-day 12th b-day, 16th b-day etc.

I'd like to watch the sunrise like I have in the past.   I'd like to put all the pinwheels into the shape of a 6 on my front lawn.  I'd like to decorate her grave a couple of days before with things that I just leave there and not remove.  I'd like to draw her a special mandala sidewalk chalk picture I've designed especially for her.  I'd like to take time to just remember her.  I'd like to blow love bubbles to heaven. I'd like to watch the movie Tangled.  I'd like other people to remember her and write her name or say her name or do an act of service in remembrance of her.   I wish every year that we could just go away to Arches National Park for her b-day because it is easier to be away from here.

I always make all these plans and it never seems to go the way I had planned--I guess because truthfully, I'd like to just be having a real b-day with presents and cake and ice cream and a happy little 6 year old dancing around in a princess costume playing with her new dolls and barbies.  Nothing can make up for missing out on that. :`(

Love you forever my little Janessa--Happy 30 days until your 6th Angel B-day.

I rearranged the Christmas solar lights so they are in a big J under the angel tree and the little pinwheels into a 6.  I love looking out there at night and seeing it all lit up.

NO cemetery for Valentines Day

For the past 5 years I have trudged out to the cemetery through snow, ice, mud, and cold to decorate Janessa's grave for Valentines Day.  This year I said NO MORE!!  It has always upset me to see her grave in that dreary and depressing state and has not helped my healing at all.  I did it because I felt guilty because we do all these fun things for our living children and I wanted Janessa to be included with that.  The problem is I'm already upset on Valentines Day because it is the last holiday I had with her and it is 3 weeks away from her angel birthday so I'm always sad and ornery while I'm at the cemetery and then I come home depressed.

This year I decided to just decorate her remembrance stone in my backyard like I do Jason, Hope, and Rae Anne and call that good.  I still feel a little guilty for not decorating her grave and it was still a little hard having to scoop through the snow to find their remembrance stones, but, I finally feel at peace.  I feel like I am in the drivers seat with grief now instead of it dictating to me what I should and should not do.

The forgotten anniversary date

I'm also wearing a bff heart bracelet today too because I remembered after 6 years of forgetting because of grief, that the beginning of February is also the anniversary of the first time my husband and I met.  It has been 25 years this year.  

If you haven't heard our story--get ready because it is a good one.  We met on the public bus--yes I said bus--in Utah it is called the UTA.  We were both attending college but at different colleges.  I was working as a scholarship assistant which just means I was a secretary to one of the deans but I didn't get paid in money my work paid my tuition.  That day I actually had a friend who was going to take me home, but, because I had messed stuff up I had to work later than normal so I took an express bus that I hadn't taken before.  I was exhausted and ornery from my hectic day so I just wanted to sleep on the way home so I put my bag on the seat next to me so people would sit elsewhere.  Roland got on after I did and asked if he could sit by me.  I reluctantly said yes and moved my bag and then he started talking and I inwardly groaned because I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.  He persisted, and soon we were both so involved in our conversation that the 30 min. just flew by.  I was amazed at how friendly and easy he was to talk to and how happy he made me feel and he was hot looking!!!  Dumb me I didn't even ask for his phone number when I got off the bus taking my dream man off to who knows where.  I floated home and told my Mom that I had met my Prince Charming--the man I was going to marry.  One week later at my cousins wedding I caught the bouquet--it was destiny--only I had no way to find Roland.

Fast forward 8 months to October of that year, I had graduated from college and was now working as a legal secretary and he was working on his 2nd to last semester of college.  I had just about forgotten about my dream man until a chilly October morning when I had to take an earlier bus (yes a bus again!!)   to work than I normally did because I had gotten behind in my work, when low and behold I walk down the aisle of the bus and there he is.  I felt kind of dumb just sitting next to him and saying hey remember me especially because I wasn't 100% sure it was him, so I sat behind him.  Guess who found an excuse to ride the early bus for the next little while????!!!  It took me about 3 days of sitting behind him before I finally worked up enough courage to sit next to him and ask if he remembered me.  We rode the same bus together for the next 3 months.  A little over a month after our 1st anniversary of meeting on the bus the first time we were engaged and 8 months after finding each other for the 2nd time I married my Prince Charming just like I told my Mom I would.  It has been a lot of ups and downs especially these past 6 years but I am so grateful Heavenly Father guided Roland into my life so that we could rejoice together on the up days and comfort and help each other on our down days.

36 Days to Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday

Today it is 36 days to Janessa's 6th angel birthday. Today I start wearing my angel charm bracelet and necklace in remembrance of the 36 precious weeks Janessa and I had together. The little angel charm  on my bracelet (the bracelet was made for me by my youngest living daughter) is like the charm I got for myself and my daughters as necklaces back in 2010 as a way for us to remember Janessa every day.

I am grateful for each week, but, wish there had been more. 36 weeks is too little of a time to fit in a lifetime worth of memories. :`(

The sunrise this morning was gorgeous.  There were thick black clouds at the top of the mountains blocking most of the sun, but, rays of light shown through the bottom of the mountains highlighting them--it looked almost magical.  Maybe a sign from Janessa that she was grateful for the 36 weeks we got together too.

Missing you today my little angel, Janessa, 

wish I could hold you in my arms. 

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February 5th Angel Birthdays

((Hugs)) to all Mommy's and Daddy's of Angel Children

celebrating their 5th Angel Birthdays this month.

Calder Max 

February 14th

Baby C

February 22nd

February Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

To all Angel Children

celebrating Birthdays

in the Month of February!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!

YOU ARE ALWAYS REMEMBERED!

(For the Friends we haven't met yet <3)

Deja Vu March 9th

Was scheduling my daughter's next orthodontist appt. and the date that came up March 9th--took my breath away. I instantly said sorry that date won't work for us and scheduled it for another day. Talk about Deja vu--6 years ago on that date this same daughter was scheduled to get her pre braces retainers removed at 11:30 am March 9th, 2010. That appt. got cancelled and instead at that time I was in maternal fetal "evil" place looking at an ultrasound of Janessa being told "I'm so sorry there is no heart beat your baby is dead." 12 little words that changed my life forever.

So NO, orthodontist appt.'s don't work out for us on that date. I ended up switching orthodontist because that office became a trigger for me. Anything that was scheduled on that day in 2010 has become a trigger for me like my church's yw New Beginnings program which was held that evening in 2010 and is held that same week every year that I can't go to either. It's hard right now because January and February are both copying the same days of the week like in 2010, but, thank goodness for leap day Feb. 29th this year that bumps March 9th from Tuesday to Wed.--I won't have to relive the same day of the week until I think her 12th angel b-day which is fine with me! I could not handle having her angel b-day on the same day of the week--Tuesday this year. It is already going to be really hard in May because Hope's 5th angel b-day is on the same day of the week and on Mother's Day weekend which is double whammy for me. I can't even function that whole week and having these copy cat things from 6 years ago start to reappear on that date is causing me some anxiety.

How can Janessa's angel b-day be only 6 weeks away from today?

The little Pink Jacket

It's amazing how something as a simple task of cleaning up jackets off the floor can bring on the grief waves. Found a size 5T pink jacket just laying there--way too small for any of my living children, but, just the right size for Janessa. I should just donate the jacket to a charity, but, I can't bear to part with it so I hugged it and tears fell and then I hang it on a hook as a remembrance of a little 5 1/2 year old who is not here to wear it.

Missing you today <3 Janessa <3

Day-cation to the Great Salt Lake Beach

Went on our first "Day-cation" for 2016 to Utah's version of an ocean beach at the Great Salt Lake. Braved the cold and the stink, but, at least at 30 degrees there wasn't any bugs! Finally got to write Janessa's name myself on a beach.  That was on my bucket list <3

I even remembered all of your angels too. So here is pictures of all Angel Children being remembered at The Great Salt Lake Beach in Utah. 

<3 <3 <3 <3

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Unexpected Changes

Today I had a major meltdown because of all the unexpected things that happened trying to drive in an unfamiliar part of the city on unfamiliar road to unfamiliar places. I ended up cutting someone off accidentally and they let me and the whole world know just how pissed off they were at me with their horn. I was so stressed out I just pulled in a parking lot and sat there and cried and tried to get under control.

I just wanted to go back home to my safe shelter. Even at home it wasn't safe because I went to the mail box and there is a letter from my ObGyn office. I guess my mind wandered wondering why they were sending me a letter--did I forget to pay a bill? Did I have another miscarriage and didn't know it? Did they make a mistake and Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne weren't really dead but at their office waiting for me to pick them up???? Crazy mind thinking!!

Nope it was to inform me that my obgyn is retiring. I knew this was going to happen--I've been with him for almost 20 years, most of my married life. But it was still a shock. I guess I just expected Dr. Llyod to be my obgyn forever and take care of me way into my old age. Now I have no one. He is like a father figure to me. He delivered 3 of my kids, took care of me through 8 of my pregnancies. He cried with me when we discovered Janessa was dead. He gave me hope when I saw Jason's heart beating on the ultrasound. He comforted me when 3 times I delivered my babies to him in a brown paper sack. He represents a very cherished part of my life of pregnancy and childbirth. I had already been trying to accept the decision that I am done having children, and now this has sealed the deal. If I can't have Dr. Llyod deliver my babies I don't want anyone to. He represented a connection to Janessa--he was there he understood. He represented a connection to Hope and Jason and Rae Anne--he understood how hard their miscarriages were on me. This letter represents the end of this stage of my life and that makes me very sad.

No Quick Fix for Grief

I love this picture and quote from Carly Marie--She nails it on the head!

"There is no need to try and find the words to fix grief. The death of a baby or child cannot be made better. So instead of trying to fix your loved one, try just being with them. Let go of the urge to find the words. Hold their hand. Give them a hug and just BE present with them, even if it feels awkward. "  Carly Marie

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10 Years of Homeschooling

Just finished up our group study activities that we do for Martin Luther King day as we take a break from our "normal" school work to study good people in history and in today's world that have made a difference in promoting kindness. Was happy that some of my older kids who had the day off from their online charter school chose to participate too. It is days like this that remind me why I started homeschooling and the joy and fun it has been--not every day because we have had our struggles and some days it really sucks, but most of the time it is good.  

I guess I didn't realize it, but, I've been homeschooling for 10 years this year--can't believe it!! My homeschool has changed a lot in those 10 years. I went from the craziness of my 1st year of trying to homeschool 4 kids, plus taking care of a toddler and newborn baby to this year where my older 3 kids left in school do an online charter school and I'm only homeschooling my youngest who was the newborn baby when I first started all of this.  

I look back at all the notes I had from those first few years and I don't know how I survived or how I stayed on top of all of it. I know I wondered a lot back then if I had done the right thing pulling them out to home school.  

It wasn't that I hated our public school or the teachers--I really did like the teachers at our school--I volunteered in a lot of their classrooms when my older kids went to school there. I just saw how overwhelmed they were with so many kids in their classrooms and how kids got left behind or lost in the crowd and one of them was my kid. Kids all learn so differently and there really was room or time or money in a public school setting for kids to truly be taught in their own learning style and I felt like I could better do that at home.  

I also hated the person I was back then. I hated being a Mom. I was overwhelmed with all the kids I had and didn't feel like I got anything accomplished but running around in circles. My kids never really saw me except when I was yelling at them in the morning to get up and hurry so we could get to school on time, and then in the afternoon when I was yelling at them again to get their homework done and get into bed. I didn't even know who my kids were any more--the school saw more of them than me. Even when they were home on breaks, I hated it because they would just fight and drive me crazy. I prayed and prayed to know what to do. I was surprised when my answer was to homeschool--that seemed the opposite of what I needed--more time with my kids???? It was the best decision I ever made!!! My kids got to see me at times other than as a screaming, yelling maniac who always seemed stressed out and I got to see them at times other than fighting and being disobedient. My kids learned to cooperate with each other and become best friends and I have loved watching them learn and grow.  
Happy 10 years homeschooling to us <3 :)

Out of the Ashes of Grief

As I search on for my own personal rainbow healing in 2016 in other ways than a rainbow baby, I have discovered a very personal, yet public event that is occurring during the next few weeks leading up to Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday.

It is the temple open house for the Provo City Center Utah Temple. This building use to be a tabernacle that was used for public events for over 100 years, then, on Dec. 17th, 2010, it literally burned to the ground.  The only things left standing were the outside walls.  I have no memories of the tabernacle, I've never been in it, never really even saw it, so why do I feel such a connection to this building?  It is because it became ashes in 2010, 8 months after my life became became ashes too.  When I see these pictures they literally represent what happened to me on March 9th, 2010, when Janessa died inside me and my world as I knew it crumbled.  All that was left of the tabernacle was the outside walls and that is how I felt the first 4 years after I loss Janessa, and then Hope, and then Jason, and finally, Rae Anne.  Each time I crumbled inside and felt like just a shell of a person trying to move and function in life with nothing inside me but emptiness.

My church decided instead of rebuilding the tabernacle to be the same as before, they were going to rebuild it into something better and for it to serve an even better purpose, that, of a Temple.  They took some of the designs from the past, but, added new things for its new purpose.  That is so symbolic to me.  It gives me hope that the shell and ashes of my life are for a new purpose, and that God is shaping me into something better too.  I see some of the good things from my past being added to the new things grief has taught me and shaped in me being combined to form a new Shauna, a better Shauna, a more compassionate Shauna.  A Shauna who knows it is okay to grieve, but, can still find moments of joy and hope.  A Shauna who can Cherish the memories of yesterday, Hope and dream of tomorrow, but, is content to Live Today to its fullest.

The Open House starts this Friday, but, I don't actually have tickets to go see it until later in Feb.  This temple has given me something to look forward to as the hard weeks leading up to Janessa's angel birthday approach.  I don't think it is any "good fortune" or "luck" that this temple's open house is right now and that it will be dedicated in March the hardest month of the year for me.  For me this is a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father who knows how hard losing my babies has been for me and how torn up and hurt I am and how sometimes just getting through the day is a major feat for me.  This is His way of providing me some much needed rainbow healing, comfort, and encouragement to hang in there and have hope and trust in Him that He can turn my life into something more beautiful and more grand than just the ashes of grief.

These are some articles from the local paper that have pictures and video of the inside and outside of this beautiful temple.

Provo City Center Temple Pictures

Video-of-the-LDS-Provo-City-Center-Temple

Article on the Provo City Center Temple

Missing You Janessa

I'm always relieved when the holidays are over and then I can finally feel like I can breathe again, then I flip the calendar to January and realize that the hard memory days to Janessa's angel b-day have just begun.  

Today it is 2 months/8 weeks/60 days 

until Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday.

Today 6 years ago we took our family to see The Princess and The Frog movie.  Janessa loved all the music in this movie.  She was doing little dances and kicks and twirls inside me every time a song came on.  It is a bitter/sweet memory for me.  I have never watched that movie since.  I wish I had known back then that I only had 2 months/8 weeks/60 days left to spend with Janessa--I would have chosen my time a lot differently.

Missing You A LOT today Janessa <3

Count down to Spring

After shoveling deep snow for 45 minutes this morning I have decided I have had enough of winter!! I'm tired of the snow and the cold and I know I still have months to endure. So I made myself a countdown to Spring (April) chart. Each week I get to pull off the post it note to reveal a glorious spring picture. Now this is something to look forward too!!!

Sorry to all who love winter--hey you have 12 more weeks to enjoy it ;)

5th Angel Birthdays

The 5th Angel B-day seems to be a really hard one to get through for most people.  Last year I hit it with Janessa, this year I hit it with Hope Abigail--not looking forward to that at all.  I noticed there are a lot of angel babies this month having 5th angel b-days so these pictures are ((Hugs)) for their parents to help them cope and get through the day.

Liam--January 3rd

Stirling Snow January 6th

 

Ronald January 8th

Josiah Julian Peck (Jo Jo) January 2nd

Taylor January 10th

Ashlynne Victoria--January 17th

Sudden Changes=Anxiety

I always have a really hard time at the beginning of the new year, especially with church.  The first Sunday of the month our church time changes and classes all change.  One of my ptsd triggers is sudden unexpected changes because that is what Janessa's death was to me, a sudden, unexpected change and all of my miscarriages ended up being sudden, unexpected changes so when I get thrown into unexpected changes all my trigger alarms go off and anxiety hits full force.  I've tried to prepare myself this last week in order to get ready for these changes, but, I'm never ready for it.  Especially this year because we haven't even got our new class lists or manuals yet for tomorrow and that is stressing me out big time.  All these unknowns!!!  Worry for my youngest living daughter because she will be moving up into a different primary class.  The stabbing pain and hurt walking past the rooms with their class lists posted seeing Janessa's primary class and knowing that her name will NOT be on that list. Worry about room changes for us and a new group of kids and not knowing what their learning styles are and how to best teach them.  Worry about another baby blessing that probably will be happening tomorrow.  6 years out, and I still can't stand to sit through baby blessings--it hurts too much.  I don't think those will ever get any easier for me.  My ptsd is working overtime because I'm already panicking and having anxiety about things that won't happen until tomorrow.  I don't know how I'm going to survive tomorrow.

January Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday to

all Angel Children celebrating

their Birthday in January!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

(For the Friends we haven't met yet <3)