Hope amidst Discouragement

I have felt really discouraged and  angry for the last little while about losing my baby Hope Abigail.  I must be hitting the anger stage in the grief cycle.   In the mail the other day, I got the Christmas stocking and Christmas ornament I ordered for Hope. The problem is I don’t feel happy at all about getting those items. I really want to throw the ornament against the wall and smash it into a million pieces because I don’t want another memorial baby Christmas Ornament—I want a Baby’s first Christmas Ornament instead! I can't change what has happened, but,  for some reason I am fighting accepting it.  Some days it is too much for me to deal with even thinking about that I have 2 angels in Heaven.  I guess I keep hoping that my miscarriage was just a bad dream and that I am still pregnant and that on Dec. 3rd I will still be bringing home my baby Hope alive and well.  I know that sounds crazy and I don't think like that all the time, but, I have days, when I just can't handle all the grief.   I know I just need to accept her death like I have Janessa's and try to just make it a part of my life, but it is very hard.

See those dark clouds in these pictures, that is how I have felt the past little while.

This past week I have received some "hugs from Heaven", that have given me hope,  joy, and a chance to smile amidst all this pain and discouragement.  Angel Baby Kaels family released balloons with Janessa and Hope's name written on it as they honored and remembered Kael on his angelversary, I received a beautiful figurine from Angel Meredith's Mommy, Angels Hope and Alexis's Mommy sent me a very cute and creative halloween email picture using Janessa and Hope's names, and Angel Kaison's Mommy sent me an email just to let me know she was thinking of me and my angels.  Thank you so much my friends, and anyone else I may have missed, you'll never know how much these things mean to me right now. 

One of the things that gets stolen from you when your baby dies is the future with that baby--no fun pictures or memories to add to that baby's baby book.  These name pictures and "thinking of you emails" and cards, are my pictures and memories that I add to Janessa & Hope's Baby books.  In a different kind of way, it gives me back some of those stolen future pictures and memories and that brings me peace.  That is what I am hoping I am giving other Mommy of Angels when I send them their Angel Baby's Pinwheel pictures.

These are the same flowers that were in the 1st pictures with the dark clouds, but they are taken at different angles.  Looking at the flowers this way you can enjoy their beauty.  This is what all these kind acts have done for me--they have helped me look at my grief at a different angle and they truly have given me Hope amidst my Discouragement.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)