Cancel November

Is it possible to just cancel a whole month?  The closer and closer we get to Nov. the more anxious and stressed and grief stricken I become.  This is crazy, but, I feel like I did in Feb. of this year right before Janessa's 1st Angel B-day.  It isn't Hope's 1st Angel birthday yet, but, I guess in my heart I feel like it should be.  Next Sat. I would have been 36 weeks--9 months pregnant with my loss baby.  It would have been a week of extreme anxiety for me because 36 weeks is when I loss Janessa.  Even though what was suppose to be Hope's Due Date, Dec. 3rd, isn't for another month I was planning on having her in November because all my other kids came early.  So, November to me represents the month I would have had my sweet rainbow baby in my arms. 

Her due date is affecting me so much more than Janessa's due date.  Janessa's due date came 4 weeks after she passed away--which I'm grateful, because all these long months waiting for it to come with Hope have been pure TORTURE.  I was still in shock when Janessa's 1st due date came and went so I really didn't think too much about it because I didn't realize then what had really happened.  This year when the 1st Anniversary passed of Janessa's due date I had just done a pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant with Hope so her due date passed again in kind of a blur.  I guess this is why Hope's due date coming up is freaking me out so much because I've never really understood what it meant, although I think next year as Janessa's anniversary of her due date approaches it will be a lot harder as I sit there empty-handed, and broken hearted with 2 holes in my aching heart.

I find myself struggling each morning to get out of bed and force myself through each day.  I want so badly to just pull the covers over my head and just sleep the day away.  In some ways I wish I was a bear and that I could just go find a nice comfy cave somewhere and just hibernate Nov./Dec./Jan./Feb away--no stress, no worries, no holidays to deal with, no hard days to deal with, no cold miserable winter weather to deal with--that would be wonderful.

I would like to do something to remember Hope on her due date but, I'm struggling to think of what to do.  Any suggestions on what any of you have done to remember your Angel Baby's on their Due Dates?

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)