Yesterday started out a really hard day for me. Besides the fact that it
was Thursday and I struggle with reliving my miscarriage memories on Thursdays,
it was also my oldest child's 20th birthday and that really made me sad that my oldest
baby is getting so old, my period also chose yesterday to start back up and that
was really hard to see too because it is a visual reminder that my pregnancy is
gone and then to top it off we discovered our furnace wasn’t working and we had to have a
repair guy come out and look at it.
We discovered that our AC unit has not been working right and is broken and
has essentially ruined our furnace. So we were faced with the decision to put
an expensive band aid on 12 year old equipment or spending a ton of money that
we would have to take out a loan for to buy an all new furnace and AC unit.
It did help that the technician guy asked about the pinwheels and when I explained what they were for and what they meant, he didn't freak out or think I was weird, he was understanding and just acted like it was normal everyday thing for everyone to have 200 pinwheels inside their house. That really meant a lot that he didn't think it was a freaky thing that it was okay.
In
the past when all these other things happened on top of a loss baby I have
fallen apart and really couldn’t deal with life, so I was shocked to see myself
go from my upset emotional state to a very calm and peaceful state. This should
be causing me to freak out and really go deeper into my depression, but, it has
in fact had the opposite effect on me. It is the weirdest thing to be saying,
but, having my furnace break down yesterday was the best thing to happen to me.
Heavenly Father allowed me for just a few minutes to see his point of view as
the technician guy was explaining our options. The reason I loss Jason so early
is for us financially it was the best way for it to happen. Heavenly Father can
see down the road ahead of us and knows all these things coming up. He
reconfirmed in my heart again that Janessa, Hope, and Jason were never meant to
be in our family for long right now, but, that they are still alive and I will get to see them again. He wants me to not get stuck in
this part of the grief cycle but to start moving forward again finding joy and
peace in this life knowing that I will get to see them again and that He is very
appreciative of my sacrifice to allow these 3 children to obtain their bodies
and live the short time that they needed to. I’ve known that deep in my heart,
but, I forgot it for a while because I got too caught up in the grief and the
why me’s and the it’s not fair. I feel as if this big dark and
heavy cloud of depression has been lifted once again from my shoulders and I am
again able to find the warm peaceful sunlight of acceptance and healing that I
felt before. I know there will still be days when that depression cloud will try and snatch me in it's grip again, but, I hope that my peace and hope anchor will cause me to remember and escape it's grasp.
And, most of all I am so grateful that having our furnace break did NOT break me but helped to heal me and helped me to remember and find my peace again.
No comments:
Post a Comment