My precious little Jason it has been 6 weeks since we said goodbye. I can't believe that much time has gone by. In 6 more weeks you will have been gone longer than I carried you and that makes me so sad. I have really struggled for the last little while, I am so sad that you are not with me anymore. I'm not sure how I am going to make it through the holidays, sometimes I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the day, but, I get up and go through it anyway. My mind and body has thrown me back into my regular, normal routine--get up, exercise, take kid to class, pick up kid from class, make breakfast, do home school, check home school, make lunch, etc., etc., etc!!! It is something I have to do whether I feel like it or not so that is how my body copes going into robot/auto pilot mode. But, the problem is my heart knows that something is NOT right with this schedule. My heart remembers that precious positive pregnancy test that was such a miracle to me. My heart remembers the joy I felt finding out about you. My heart remembers the overwhelming peace and joy I felt seeing you on the ultrasound and seeing your precious little heart beating. My heart remembers my tears of joy. My heart feels torn and broken and remembers that sadness of loosing you. My heart knows you are gone, but, feels that is not right and is confused as to why you are still not with me and why, why, my mind and body have gone back to a regular normal routine when my emotional hurricane heart feels anything but regular or normal.
I am trying to make your Angel Baby book using the pictures that I do have. I can only do a couple of pages a day because it makes me so sad to realize that your whole life is represented in these 20 little pages of pictures. I am so very grateful to have taken pictures and handled your pregnancy different that my other pregnancies so that I have something to hold on to.
Do you see that the only way I can sleep at night is holding your little blue bear--it fills my empty arms for now. I miss you more than anything. I Love You Jason!
Love, Mommy
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
6 Precious little hats I knit this week to represent the 6 weeks we have been apart. Each little hat is unique and different representing each week that has had different emotions and challenges and experiences I have endured.
6 Precious little hats I knit this week to represent the 6 weeks we have been apart. Each little hat is unique and different representing each week that has had different emotions and challenges and experiences I have endured.
18 Precious little hats to represent the 18 weeks that I should be with Jason.
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