The Wishing Tree

We celebrated my birthday last week while we were on vacation.  It started out awful because I was very weepy and angry remembering my miscarriage and all my crushed dreams and plans on my 40th birthday last year.  As the day wore on it got much better.  We hiked for 1 1/2 miles to 3 new Arches that we had never seen before that were beautiful!  We spent an hour playing in the soft sand under Sand Dune Arch and the best part is we had it all to ourselves.  On one of the hikes we came to this tree that was split at the bottom and looked just like a wish bone so we called it the Wishing Tree.  We each took turns making a wish and stepping through the tree--since it was my birthday that day that was my birthday wish. 

I can't tell you exactly what I wished for, but, it had something to do with faith, hope, belief, trust, and peace.  I wish I could tell you that as I stepped through that tree that some magical power came down and turned me into this "SUPER PERSON" and now I'm all cured and am going to live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.  Sorry to disappoint you, but, that didn't happen.

What did happen though is I feel different.  I feel like I'm finally back to the point I had reached in the grief journey when I reached Janessa's 1st Angel Birthday last year.  As I was thinking about it after we got home from our vacation, I think what I found as I stepped through that Wishing Tree was my Foundation again.  By Foundation I mean my faith, trust, belief, trust, and peace in Heavenly Father.

 It DOESN'T mean I'm all cured of my grief.

It DOESN'T mean that I will never cry again.

It DOESN'T mean that I will never have a sad, bad, angry, rotten day ever again. 

It means that some days I will be able to have a good, happy day and be able to stand straight and tall and handle all the things thrown at me because of my "Foundation".

And some days I will have rotten, sad, awful days that will make me fall over in pieces.

But, it will still be okay and I won't fall completely apart because of my "Foundation".

Helaman 5:12

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon

if men build they cannot fall.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

I Wish I was back on Vacation

Today I am trying to get myself back into the "real life" routine and I'm having a hard time because I just want to go back to my stress-free calm and peace of our vacation.

I really thought that now that both the angel birthdays and my hard remembrance days are over, that I would be able to function again, but, yesterday I had an emotional break down again.  I have been preparing myself for when the 2 women in my neighborhood who both had babies around Janessa's angel birthday came back to church with their new babies that I thought I would be okay.  I imagined myself being able to go over to them and congratulate them and look at their sweet babies and that I would be okay and be able to be happy for them.  The problem was as soon as I saw the infant carriers, and the pink blankets, and then both of the happy Mommy's cuddling and cradling their babies it was as if time stopped and reversed back to 2010 when it was 2 different ladies who had alive and healthy babies 2 weeks after I had Janessa and everyone was so happy for them and oohing and awing over their cute babies while I sat there weeping with empty arms completely ignored except by a few women who overcame their fear of not knowing what to say and just gave me a quick hug.  It felt like that day all over again even though it has been 2 years.

It was all I could do to just stay at church watching these little baby girls looking around and holding their mothers fingers.  I came home and just sobbed.  I'm upset with myself because it has been over 2 years, why does this still upset me so much?  Will I ever be able to go to church and handle seeing new babies? 

I have gotten to the point that I can go other places and if there is someone with a baby or toddler I just look away and it does still hurt a little in my heart, but, it doesn't cause this flood of emotions like church does.  I think some of it has to do with how I was treated 2 years ago and how I longed to have everyone making a big deal over my new alive baby, but, instead I was the one whose baby died so they ignored me and averted their eyes when they saw me because they didn't know what to say or do so they did nothing and it left me feeling like I had gotten this awful disease that everyone was afraid I was going to pass on to them.  I don't feel accepted anymore, I feel like everyone judges me and is trying to fix me because they think I should be "over" my grief by now. I feel like they can't accept the new Shauna that grief has changed me into--they are still waiting and waiting for the old Shauna before March 2010 to come back.

Every year for the past 3 years there has been at least 2 babies born in my neighborhood around Janessa's angel date.  Every year at church there is new reminders of all the months I missed out on as I watch these babies grow--I am so tired of having this unwanted weekly reminder every year.  It makes going to church so much harder for me.  I feel like I'm such a terrible person because I can't just see their babies and be happy for them and instead I fall apart and feel like life is so unfair.  I long to live in a neighborhood where there were other blm's who understood what this was like instead of just happy, naive women who don't understand at all.

Heavenly Father must have known I needed a hug from heaven because in my email today was in color pictures of Janessa's feet from my NILMDTS photographer.  That helped bring some joy to my sobbing heart. 

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

I'm Back :`)

Our family vacation to Arches National Park was WONDERFUL!!!  It was so nice to get away from all the daily to-do lists and stresses and to just enjoy being together as a family.  I had some emotional break downs on this vacation--the worst being our first day at Arches.  I just kept remembering being there 3 years ago when our family was "normal" and we didn't have all this grief we were dealing with and I just longed to be like that again.  I also got sad, angry and upset every time I would take a picture of my living children and then a picture of my angel bears to represent Janessa and Hope--I just wanted them all there together in the picture!  Most of the pictures of me that day are hard to look at because I have a forced smile that I can see the grief pouring through on my face. 

My kids kept commenting on how we were getting strange looks from the other people as they counted how many kids we had with us.  Three years ago that really bothered me to have people staring at our large family, this time I didn't even notice--I just kept thinking about how I wished there were two more kids there for them to gawk at, how every time I did a head count to make sure all the kids were with us, in my heart and mind I was never satisfied because it will always feel like someone is missing.

We started out at Goblin Valley, which was fun, and a new place for us because last time it rained the day we were suppose to go here.

Next we went to Balanced Rock and the Window Arches.

My daughter had fun making Janessa and Hope's initials out of rocks.

We love Delicate Arch, but, haven't found the motivation to actually, do the long hike up to it, so we just enjoy it from the view point.  I tried to take a picture of the angel bears with delicate arch in the background, but, I ended up blurring delicate arch.

The place we were staying at faced west so we had an excellent view of the sunsets every night, and they were AMAZING!!

Overall it was a wonderful vacation--it was exactly what I needed to find some much needed peace again.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Janessa Marie's Angel Birthday May 14th

Happy Angel Birthday

Janessa Marie!

This is Malory's sweet little Angel

visit her at Butterfly Footprints

Aiden's Angel Birthday May 10th

Happy Angel Birthday

Aiden!

The Day After

I wish I could say that yesterday went awesome and I feel all better today, but, I can't.  I planned lots of things all weekend to honor and remember Hope.  The problem was I over planned and felt like I was running constantly all weekend, which is what I thought I wanted, no time to think about the horrible memories of my miscarriage last year.  Only as yesterday wore on I felt more and more angry and frustrated--I just needed some quiet time alone by myself to just remember and grieve and cry and get all those emotions out instead of bottling them all up inside.  So, I ended up exploding late last night and into today because I couldn't handle it anymore. 

I was expecting Hope's 1st angel birthday to be like Janessa's 1st angel birthday and it was NOT. I did not feel total peace and full of hope and joy, I just felt empty, sad, depressed and really angry!  I went back and forth emotionally like a teeter totter all day long--feeling grateful to honor and remember Hope and then angry that she wasn't in my arms and that I was doing another balloon release for her birthday when I didn't want to do a balloon release, I wanted to be watching her excitement opening presents and destroying her 1st birthday cake not standing there empty handed letting balloons go. I feel bad that when the store person asked if the yellow balloons were for something special I said NO instead of saying yes they were for a my daughters 1st angel birthday because I didn't want to explain about my miscarriage and have another person looking at me like I am a wacko because I'm mourning something that they view as a mistake or common place or not important or a baby that will come again as another baby, when I believe my 10 week pregnancy baby was a baby. I felt worse when they kept asking questions like are all these yellow balloons for someone who is coming home from something (I wish) then they went on talking about how they put yellow balloons everywhere for some relative that came home from something. I just wanted to scream "SHUT UP--they are for my miscarried baby's 1st angel birthday and I'm going home to write on them and then go outside to let them go!" But, I just sat there smiling and nodding--all the time really angry that I had to get balloons again for another angel baby.

That's the thing I'm mad about because I still don't understand why I couldn't have another baby, why I had to miscarry Hope. Why she isn't here in my arms as my 5 month old baby. Why for the first time in my life I am facing infertility and the fact that I am probably done having children.  With Janessa's 1st angel birthday I still had hope that there would be another baby to fill my arms and use the brand new blankets and bassinet and heal some of that hurtful hole in my heart that Janessa left behind, this time I have nothing.  I'm left wondering what do I do now? I'm left with all these bitter, negative feelings about my miscarriage, all these unfulfilled dreams, all these let downs and disappointments and expectations I had.   I need to just let it all go, but, I cling onto it. It hurts a lot. No one understands my Jekyll and Hyde mood swings, I don't even understand it myself.

So, needless to say it was a very hard weekend.  There were moments of peace and small bits of happiness that I want to focus on--Thank you to everyone who remembered Hope and said a prayer for me--I'm sure those prayers are what helped me have beams of sunlight through these dark clouds of a weekend.

My Beams of Sunlight  remembering Hope Abigail:

From Calvin's Cupcakes--Thanks Crystal!

Hiking Ensign Peak on Saturday with 2 balloons we released high above the Salt Lake Valley.

Watching the Sunrise on Hope's Birthday Yesterday.

Going to Thanksgiving Point Nature Gardens yesterday.

 Seeing Rainbows on my ceiling reflecting from the pinwheels in my room.

Releasing Yellow Balloons

Hope's Butterfly--Thank you Rachel (Triplet Butterly Wings)

Spending Time with my Family

It was a very Sadappy Weekend

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Happy 1st Angel Birthday Hope Abigail

Happy 1st Angel Birthday

Hope Abigail!

I Love You!

I Miss You!

You are Forever in my Heart!

Love, Mommy

This is a remembrance video I put together for Hope Abigail:

It is hard to believe that a whole year has passed since you slipped so quickly and quietly from our lives.  Your short 10 weeks have made an incredible impact on my life.  I still feel so very lost without you and Janessa here in my arms.  I am learning to accept this new plan for my life and to let go of my plans.  My heart will forever have 2 holes that can never be healed until I see you again.  I have begun to pick up the pieces of my shattered life from the past 2 years, but, it is a slow and tedious task.  I am forever grateful that Heavenly Father allowed me to be your mother and to carry you for 10 precious weeks.  I look forward to when I get to see you and hold you in my arms and we will never be separated ever again!

Remembering

This has made my day today--Thank you so much Tesha! 

 Remembering Jonathan with you today. <3

Remembering our last day together Hope Abigail--I Love You!  I Miss You!

Thank you Crystal for this beautiful Reminder Message.  I'm remembering Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen with you today and praying for you and little Charlie.

<3 <3 <3 <3

Some Days . . . . .

Today is the day of the week that I miscarried Hope Abigail.  I just feel numb and empty today.  I was happy to receive in the mail today a beautiful pen with Hope and Janessa's name written on it from Ashlen's Angel Pens.  Thank you so much Ashley!!!

It has now been 8 days of wearing yellow shirts in honor of Hope Abigail.  It has actually been a lot of fun to remember her this way.  I saw a yellow shirt the other day with a frowny face on it that said "Take your Happy Attitude somewhere else!"  Okay, I'm in a rotten mood so that actually made me laugh. 

Some days I get tired of seeing happy normal people with what looks to me like their perfect lives, where my life has been not even close to normal or happy for the past 2 years.

Some days I get tired of people trying to hurry me along the grief journey and expect me to get over it already.

Some days I get tired of the lack of sympathy, empathy, and insensitivity towards baby loss mommies.

Some days I get tired of no one remembering that I had 2 other babies too, and they lived short little lives and they have NAMES!

Some days I get tired of seeing babies and toddlers and pregnant women at the store, at church, or it seems like EVERYWHERE I go.

Some days I can't stand hearing people tell me how happy Janessa and Hope are because they are in Heaven and how grateful I should be that they are there and not here in this awful world and that I should just be grateful for the children I have--I AM!  But to me not having my babies in my arms is not a happy thing for me and I will never feel complete happiness knowing they are not here with me.

So yes, some days I get tired of happy people and their happy attitudes with their happy little normal lives and yes, some days I would like to tell them to take their happy attitudes and go somewhere else.  Maybe it's because I'm jealous that I will never have that casual happy normal life ever again.  I'm not saying that I will never find joy or happiness ever again because I know I will find a way to blend this grief into the pattern of my life, but, any happiness and joy that I find will always be mixed with a little sadness, so I guess to steal another blm's term I will be SADAPPY from here on out.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

The Tree

Meet my friend The Tree:

Last year on this week my Tree and I spent a lot of time together as I was on partial bed rest hoping to prevent a miscarriage.  I poured out my soul to this tree that is outside my window.  It heard all my fears before and during my miscarriage and then all my sorrows after my miscarriage.  We became good friends my Tree and I.  It listened without judging or critizing me.  It didn't cringe as I cursed and complained over and over that my life wasn't fair.  It didn't give me advice or try to solve my problems or tell me trite sayings like "time heals all wounds"  or "be grateful for the children you do have".  It didn't try to fix me or change me, it accepted me for the person I have become because of my grief.  It just quietly listened and stood straight and tall and pointed to Heaven, quietly reminding me that Heavenly Father cared and was weeping with me. 

Thank you Tree for understanding and for being a True Friend.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Angel Flores Angel Birthday May 3rd

Happy Angel Birthday

Angel Flores!

Roman Zac's Angel Birthday May 3

Happy Angel Birthday

Roman Zac!



Hang in There

My husband left this little "yellow" hanger note for me today.  It really meant alot to me because today is one of those hard memory days.

Some days that is all you can do is

 hang in there. 

 My daughter has been copying the following quote for her handwriting homework all week:

"I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go."
 -Abraham Lincoln

 Some times that is all you can do to is pray because there is no where else to go.  Even when I'm angry and cursing the unfairness of life I will usually end up on my knees in prayer.

The week that Janessa died I still remember the quote that my other daughter had been copying everyday for handwriting:

"God doesn't give you what you can handle, He helps you handle what you have been given."

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Journey Peace's Angel Birthday

Happy Angel Birthday

Journey Peace!

May Thankful List

Here is my May Thankful List:

M-Mountains--I love watching the sunrise and sunset over the mountains that surround us.  Mommy of Angel friends that I have made on my grief journey

A-Angel Babies--Thankful for my 2 Angel Babies Janessa & Hope and that I was given the opportunity to be their Mommy.

Yellow flowers, yellow shirts, yellow shoes, yellow wall sign that says Hope.

Hope is in Heaven

Yesterday we had home teachers (members of our church who are assigned to watch over our family and teach a monthly message)  come to visit our family.  As they were trying to teach us a little message they asked a question and then turned to my 6 year old daughter and said "Okay, let's start with the youngest."  To which she replied, "Well, that is Hope, but, she is in Heaven."   It was so cute!!!

It touched my heart to have her totally validate Hope's little life and recognize her place in our family.  My 6 year old takes great delight that she is NOT the youngest child, that she has two siblings below her even if they are in Heaven.  :)

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)