The Day After

I wish I could say that yesterday went awesome and I feel all better today, but, I can't.  I planned lots of things all weekend to honor and remember Hope.  The problem was I over planned and felt like I was running constantly all weekend, which is what I thought I wanted, no time to think about the horrible memories of my miscarriage last year.  Only as yesterday wore on I felt more and more angry and frustrated--I just needed some quiet time alone by myself to just remember and grieve and cry and get all those emotions out instead of bottling them all up inside.  So, I ended up exploding late last night and into today because I couldn't handle it anymore. 

I was expecting Hope's 1st angel birthday to be like Janessa's 1st angel birthday and it was NOT. I did not feel total peace and full of hope and joy, I just felt empty, sad, depressed and really angry!  I went back and forth emotionally like a teeter totter all day long--feeling grateful to honor and remember Hope and then angry that she wasn't in my arms and that I was doing another balloon release for her birthday when I didn't want to do a balloon release, I wanted to be watching her excitement opening presents and destroying her 1st birthday cake not standing there empty handed letting balloons go. I feel bad that when the store person asked if the yellow balloons were for something special I said NO instead of saying yes they were for a my daughters 1st angel birthday because I didn't want to explain about my miscarriage and have another person looking at me like I am a wacko because I'm mourning something that they view as a mistake or common place or not important or a baby that will come again as another baby, when I believe my 10 week pregnancy baby was a baby. I felt worse when they kept asking questions like are all these yellow balloons for someone who is coming home from something (I wish) then they went on talking about how they put yellow balloons everywhere for some relative that came home from something. I just wanted to scream "SHUT UP--they are for my miscarried baby's 1st angel birthday and I'm going home to write on them and then go outside to let them go!" But, I just sat there smiling and nodding--all the time really angry that I had to get balloons again for another angel baby.

That's the thing I'm mad about because I still don't understand why I couldn't have another baby, why I had to miscarry Hope. Why she isn't here in my arms as my 5 month old baby. Why for the first time in my life I am facing infertility and the fact that I am probably done having children.  With Janessa's 1st angel birthday I still had hope that there would be another baby to fill my arms and use the brand new blankets and bassinet and heal some of that hurtful hole in my heart that Janessa left behind, this time I have nothing.  I'm left wondering what do I do now? I'm left with all these bitter, negative feelings about my miscarriage, all these unfulfilled dreams, all these let downs and disappointments and expectations I had.   I need to just let it all go, but, I cling onto it. It hurts a lot. No one understands my Jekyll and Hyde mood swings, I don't even understand it myself.

So, needless to say it was a very hard weekend.  There were moments of peace and small bits of happiness that I want to focus on--Thank you to everyone who remembered Hope and said a prayer for me--I'm sure those prayers are what helped me have beams of sunlight through these dark clouds of a weekend.

My Beams of Sunlight  remembering Hope Abigail:

From Calvin's Cupcakes--Thanks Crystal!

Hiking Ensign Peak on Saturday with 2 balloons we released high above the Salt Lake Valley.

Watching the Sunrise on Hope's Birthday Yesterday.

Going to Thanksgiving Point Nature Gardens yesterday.

 Seeing Rainbows on my ceiling reflecting from the pinwheels in my room.

Releasing Yellow Balloons

Hope's Butterfly--Thank you Rachel (Triplet Butterly Wings)

Spending Time with my Family

It was a very Sadappy Weekend

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)