I Wish I was back on Vacation

Today I am trying to get myself back into the "real life" routine and I'm having a hard time because I just want to go back to my stress-free calm and peace of our vacation.

I really thought that now that both the angel birthdays and my hard remembrance days are over, that I would be able to function again, but, yesterday I had an emotional break down again.  I have been preparing myself for when the 2 women in my neighborhood who both had babies around Janessa's angel birthday came back to church with their new babies that I thought I would be okay.  I imagined myself being able to go over to them and congratulate them and look at their sweet babies and that I would be okay and be able to be happy for them.  The problem was as soon as I saw the infant carriers, and the pink blankets, and then both of the happy Mommy's cuddling and cradling their babies it was as if time stopped and reversed back to 2010 when it was 2 different ladies who had alive and healthy babies 2 weeks after I had Janessa and everyone was so happy for them and oohing and awing over their cute babies while I sat there weeping with empty arms completely ignored except by a few women who overcame their fear of not knowing what to say and just gave me a quick hug.  It felt like that day all over again even though it has been 2 years.

It was all I could do to just stay at church watching these little baby girls looking around and holding their mothers fingers.  I came home and just sobbed.  I'm upset with myself because it has been over 2 years, why does this still upset me so much?  Will I ever be able to go to church and handle seeing new babies? 

I have gotten to the point that I can go other places and if there is someone with a baby or toddler I just look away and it does still hurt a little in my heart, but, it doesn't cause this flood of emotions like church does.  I think some of it has to do with how I was treated 2 years ago and how I longed to have everyone making a big deal over my new alive baby, but, instead I was the one whose baby died so they ignored me and averted their eyes when they saw me because they didn't know what to say or do so they did nothing and it left me feeling like I had gotten this awful disease that everyone was afraid I was going to pass on to them.  I don't feel accepted anymore, I feel like everyone judges me and is trying to fix me because they think I should be "over" my grief by now. I feel like they can't accept the new Shauna that grief has changed me into--they are still waiting and waiting for the old Shauna before March 2010 to come back.

Every year for the past 3 years there has been at least 2 babies born in my neighborhood around Janessa's angel date.  Every year at church there is new reminders of all the months I missed out on as I watch these babies grow--I am so tired of having this unwanted weekly reminder every year.  It makes going to church so much harder for me.  I feel like I'm such a terrible person because I can't just see their babies and be happy for them and instead I fall apart and feel like life is so unfair.  I long to live in a neighborhood where there were other blm's who understood what this was like instead of just happy, naive women who don't understand at all.

Heavenly Father must have known I needed a hug from heaven because in my email today was in color pictures of Janessa's feet from my NILMDTS photographer.  That helped bring some joy to my sobbing heart. 

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)