Walking in Remembrance

We hiked Ensign Peak in remembrance of our precious Hope Abigail.  It was a lot busier up there than I have ever seen it.  We got there at the perfect time because there was a large group coming down and then when we came down there was a large group of people going up.  We had it almost to ourselves on the top of the Peak and that was so nice. 

There was a little stray dog that we nicknamed Toto because he looked like the dog in the Wizard of Oz that kept us company on the way up and while we were there. 

 

I brought rocks with me that had Janessa and Hope's names on them so that I could feel like they were there with us.  My youngest living daughter wasn't very patient with me as I tried to take pictures--she just wanted to be done and go back to the car and have our donuts and apple juice.  She kept questioning why I had to write Janessa and Hopes names on the rocks and why I had to take pictures.  All of her questions  kind of upset me and made me feel like I should just keep all my grief to myself and not bother my family with all my little weird things I do to find peace and to include Janessa and Hope.  I feel bad that I didn't even get a few moments to just sit up there and think and reflect.  Its just so frustrating because I would love to have Janessa and Hope here and alive so I could take pictures of them for real and not these lousy rocks--but those lousy rocks are all I have. :`(  I put those rocks in my pocket on the way down and it was like having my wind chimes with me because I could here them bumping against each other all the way down the hill.

 

 



 



I've been really emotional dealing with Hope's 2nd Angel Birthday.  I feel really angry and frustrated and then really sad.  I over planned Hopes birthday last year so this year I've kept it really simple--we're just going to plant some flowers, release yellow balloons and eat rainbow sherbet ice cream.  Part of me would like to just stay in bed all day and just cry and do nothing instead.