My Unrealistic Christmas Wish List for 2013

I really wish there was a magical Santa Claus because this would be my Unrealistic Christmas Wish List for 2013.

Dear Santa,

I've tried really hard to be good this year.  I could definitely do better at having more patience with myself, my kids, my husband, and other drivers on the road.  I could definitely improve on not spending so much money and ruining our budget.

Another one of my babies died again this year.  I've tried to enjoy the holidays but it is hard because I am sad.  The following items would really help me feel better next year:

(1)  MY ANGEL BABIES BACK
I would really like to see my 3 year old Janessa and my 2 year old Hope Abigail alive and well under the tree.  I would love to keep them for a lifetime, but, if I can only have 1 day I would like that too.  I would really like to have you roll back the months to October 10th and change what happened that day so that I would NOT miscarry Jason and so that I would still be pregnant with him for Christmas and looking forward to him joining our family in April of 2014.

Okay so maybe those aren't so possible now, but, maybe you could help me get the peace and calm and acceptance I had obtained in September when I started my EMDR therapy.  I'd love to feel the way I did then.  Maybe you could help my family, friends, and neighbors allow me to grieve on my timeline and not try to rush me through it and have them accept me for who I am right now--grumpy/sad/angry/and sometimes okay.  Could you help them know that it really helps when they send me emails on my hard days such as holidays and angel b-days and that it means the world to me to have them mention Janessa, Hope, and Jason and to take things to Janessa's grave and write their names and light candles in remembrance of them, write messages to Janessa on her online memorial site or donate money to charities in their names or just let me talk about them and not change the subject or get a horrified look on their faces when I do start talking about them.

(2) A SIBERIAN KITTEN
Since I really can't get wish #1 and I really need a little help in the grief healing this next year, I would really like a Siberian Kitten.  I wish we could just get a cheap cat from the pound, but, Roland and one of my daughters are allergic and in order for us have a cat we have to get a specially breed hypoallergic cat such as the Siberian Kitten.  The problem is they cost a lot of money and they are not conveniently available except out of state.  Could you please help us have the money to get one and make it possible for us to be able to find someone close by who breeds them.  And please let my husband and daughter to not have an allergic reaction to them.  I really need something to mother next year as Jason's due date approaches on April 25th.  I was so looking forward to having a baby in 2014, now I would really like to have a kitten that is born in 2014 since I'm not able to get pregnant and stay pregnant longer than about 12 weeks now. 
I would love to say next year We're Having a Kitten!!!


(3)  A TRIP TO DISNEYLAND
I would really like to take my family to Disneyland next year.  It has been 10 years since we last went there.  We were planning on going there in 2010 until I found out I was expecting Janessa then we changed our plans.  After I loss Janessa and because of my PTSD I couldn't handle being in large crowds of people so we just kept putting those plans on hold.  I finally felt ready to tackle it in 2014 and then discovered I was pregnant with Jason so I again canceled our plans, but, Jason has been taken away from me too and I want to uncancel those plans now.  This is probably the last year that our whole family will be able to go on a big trip together because our kids are all getting older.  Problem is our furnace and AC had to be replaced last month and now all my money is being used to pay for that.  Could you send me extra money to pay for the furnace loan and money to take my family on this vacation.  Our whole family needs some time to "Here you leave today and enter the world of Yesterday, Tomorrow, and Fantasy"
                                             
(4) A NEW CAR
We could really use a new car.  Both of our vehicles are over 15 years old and are beginning to show their age.  I guess if this isn't possible this year, could you help them hold together for 1 more year.  Also help our fridge, oven, dishwasher, washer, dryer, and water heater to hold together and not break next year either.

I also wouldn't mind if my husband got a bigger raise so we didn't have to live month to month on his paycheck and we could save money for food storage, missions and college educations and weddings and be able to have extra money to help other people and support their charities.  I would really like 2014 to be a better year--a year of happiness and joy and peace--no more death and sadness and grief--I've had enough of that the past 4 years!!! 

So there it is Santa my unrealistic Christmas Wish List for this year--really wish I could wake up Christmas morning and find all 4 of those things under my Christmas Tree.