Mixed Emotions for Christmas

My emotional state of mind is all over the place as we get closer to Christmas.  I am feeling extremely sad that Jason is not safe inside me and that I have yet another angel baby to mourn this year--that just feels really unfair.  Deep in my heart, buried underneath all the grief I feel a spark of excitement and joy for Christmas too that I haven't felt in the last 3 years.  It is a joy in realizing that we are celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and that because of his birth I will be able to see my angel babies, Janessa, Hope, and Jason again.  It is also a deep gratitude along with that belief that for now I can rely on Jesus' and Heavenly Father's strength to help me cope each day along this grief journey.  It is a gratitude of being able to recognize the tender mercies or hugs from heaven that God gives me each day on this journey.

This year I am finally able to do things that are healing for me and not force myself into things that I am not ready for. This year I am able to be okay with the fact that I feel both joy and sadness for Christmas and that is okay--I don't need to pick one emotion over the other.

I am heartbroken for a couple of baby loss mommies that have loss another angel baby since I loss Jason.  I am grateful for their friendship and I am grateful that I can support them now as they have supported me.  I am so very grateful for the baby loss mommy friends that God has placed on my grief journey path.

To Catherine and Crystal I am so very sorry for another angel baby death you are having to endure especially now at the holidays.  I will light candles in remembrance of your sweet <3 Poppy <3 and <3 Pixel <3  You are in my prayers that you will find small moments of peace as you endure yet more grief and I pray for and will rejoice with you when you are blessed with an alive rainbow baby.

To my baby loss mommy friends who are currently pregnant, (Tiffany, Amy, Christie, Roxanne and any one else I have forgotten or don't know about yet), I pray for you to find continued peace during your pregnancies and that your babies will be born safe and alive.

To my baby loss mommy friends who are TTC and continually have to endure negative test after negative test I pray for you that you will find strength and hope to endure each month and that you will be blessed with a positive test.

To my baby loss mommy friends who are just trying to endure each day and the grief that can sometimes be so unbearable, I pray for you that you also will find moments of peace and strength and hope to make it through each day.

Catherine, I can not thank you enough for sending me this picture of Janessa, Hope and Jason's name written all together on the beach at sunset.  I cried when I saw this picture because it means so much to me.  I truly can feel the love and peace of all three of my angel babies through this picture.  I will truly treasure this picture forever! <3 <3 <3