The top 13 of 2013

Newspapers always like to do a top ten of the news stories for the year at the end of the year so I decided to do a top 13 of the things that have happened in my life for 2013 so here goes:

#13  We finally painted our Living Room, Kitchen and Hallway.  We had to do it in phases so it took all year to get it done and our house looked pretty strange for part of the year having half the ceiling brown and the other half white, but, oh well it looks awesome!!  We added word wall stickers that were awful to put on the wall but they look terrific now.  I still haven't got all my pictures put back up in the hallway and kitchen yet--maybe next year!

#12  It was a year of everything breaking--our exercise machines, microwave, crockpot, vacuum, pancake grill, dishwasher, 2 printers, camera, van, suburban, and furnace and AC.  Really hoping next year everything stays together--fingers crossed.

#11  Patch the bear came to visit over Valentines Day and we had fun taking him to the cemetery and hanging out with the pinwheels before he left to go to Tossie's Family.

#10  3 of my good friends and neighbors sold their houses and moved.  This has been really hard for me.  I really miss you Aimee, Julie, and Jorjeane! <3 <3 <3

#9  Being called to teach a hard class in primary with my husband as a team teacher.  Another thing I wanted to add here is creating a face book account.  It has been amazing to interact on a daily and almost instant basis with my baby loss mommy friends--that has been a real help in my healing process.  I have loved having PinWheels From Heaven on face book so that I can post pictures more easily and interact more easily.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads blogs anymore but me.

#8  Our Family vacation to Logan/Bear Lake.  Favorite part was stopping at the rest stop and being able to take all those beautiful pictures of the angel name rocks with the bear and Bear Lake in the background.

#7  Finally getting a chance to go on an anniversary trip to Park City by ourselves.

#6  Creating the Easter Angel Tree.  Doing over 200 Pinwheel Pictures.  Creating the Pinwheel Healing Field.  Making a giant heart with the pinwheels for Janessa's 3rd Angel B-day.  Getting a chance to create Prayer Flags for Janessa and Hope and all of the Angel Babies for the day of Remembrance and Hope.  Writing all the names on the sidewalk and lighting candles by them for the day of Remembrance and Hope on Aug. 19th.

#5  Finally feeling okay being at the cemetery and being okay only visiting once a month and feeling okay to take pictures at the cemetery to include Janessa in our family pictures.  I have loved decorating her grave with a teddy bear and pinwheel each month.  I have loved taking pictures of our family and their feet and hands over her grave.  And I have loved the pictures of my husband and I and our feet and fingers making a heart over her headstone.

#4 Having a mouse in our house over Thanksgiving Weekend.

#3  Going in to counseling every month and finally being able to release all those emotions I had bottled up.  Finally getting to talk to someone who didn't judge me or criticize me but was understanding and helped me know it was okay to feel like I did and helped me understand my feelings.  Having her help me find the courage to go to Trauma Counseling for my PTSD.  Being able and feeling okay with switching my neon yellow and pink shoelace to be sparkly black with small neon pink, yellow and blue bows instead.

#2  Working with my trauma counselor, Marlene, in doing EMDR Therapy and finally being able to cope with all the things that use to cause trigger pain for me. Finally being able to accept Janessa and Hope's deaths and realizing that for me my rainbow healing was not going to come from a rainbow baby, but, would come from everyday hug from heaven moments, small moments of peace--like a daily jig saw puzzle that I am putting together 1 piece at a time.  I will not find that complete rainbow healing or finish this giant jig saw puzzle until the day that I am finally reunited with Janessa, Hope, and Jason.

#1  Definitely getting a positive pregnancy test after 2 years of trying.  Feeling such joy and happiness even through all the yucky morning sickness and tiredness.  The excitement of planning and dreaming of a baby to come in April.  The absolute terror and then peace and joy and healing tears of seeing Jason on the ultrasound and seeing his little heart beating.  The fun of telling our children and of all of us nicknaming him MaHyrum--the brother of Hyrum and all the weird things that I craved--sour gummy worms, pickles, orange juice, potato chips, onion rings.  The fear of starting to spot.  The absolute heartbreak of hearing again "I'm so sorry there is no heartbeat your baby is gone."  And then the quick and fast miscarriage and being able to hold him for the last time.  The joy and sorrow of sharing Jason's life for 12 precious weeks.

2013 has definitely been eventful and full of things I never expected.  I would kind of like 2014 to be more calm and definitely no more grief and death added to what I already have.  Goodbye 2013!