2014--A Year of Hope, Light and Sunshine, and of New Beginnings

Last year I wrote that I wanted 2013 to be a year of Acceptance and I truly feel like through my counseling that I am working my way through that.  I feel that I have accepted Janessa and Hope's deaths and that I can honor and remember them and miss and mourn them while still feeling joy and happiness.  I am still working on accepting Jason's death, but, he was not something that I expected to happen in 2013--he was my surprise little miracle and it has been very difficult to have that little miracle be taken away.

My dreams and hopes and goals for 2014 is that it will be a year of Hope, Light and Sunshine, and a year of New Chapters and New Beginnings in my book of life. 

Hope:

Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist, It's the trust that they will not last forever, that hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome, It is faith that a source of strength and renewal lies within to lead us through the dark to the sunshine.

 

Light and Sunshine:

 

I will continue to look for "hug from heaven" moments on a daily basis to find my sunshine healing.  I will look for my babies in the sunrises and sunsets.  I will continue to be a light for others and help them along this very hard grief path through my pinwheel pictures.  I will continue to look for the light of healing through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and allow them to guide my path.

 

New Chapters and New Beginnings in my Book of Life:

 

It is finally time to close the chapter of my life of being pregnant and having babies.  My doctor told me after I miscarried Jason that because of my health history and age that I only have a 10-20% chance of getting pregnant and then if I did manage to become pregnant I then had a 50% chance of having another miscarriage or stillborn baby--I just can not live my life anymore waiting for another positive pregnancy test.  I do not think I could cope with another loss baby it would be too much for me.  I have been writing these pregnancy/baby chapters for the last 20 years of my life--it is time for them to end and a new chapter to begin.  I have enjoyed these chapters even though the last 3 chapters have ended badly.  I will always wish I had ended these years of my life with an alive rainbow baby and that will just be another sorrow and grief I will have to deal with.  Before me stands blank and empty pages I am fearful and excited to begin to start writing them.  This stage of my life will be the raising of my alive children and hopefully in about 5-10 years the addition of another title for me of "Grandma".  I am hoping that this next year I can add pet owner of a Siberian Kitten to my title and that I can find some comfort, friendship and healing through a cat to help me deal with the empty-nest syndrome as my alive children grow up and begin lives of their own.

 

Peace, Hope, Joy, and Healing are what I am striving for in 2014.

My name wall has now become my Wall of Hope and Light.