2013 Christmas Cards

I made my 2013 Christmas Cards too early this year.  Shutterfly was having a sale in August so I designed them and had them all printed out.  Then when I found out I was pregnant with Jason at the end of August I felt bad that I didn't include him so I went and made some more that had a picture of his ultrasound on it and Rainbow Baby Cox April 2014 printed on it and had those printed out in September.  This was going to be my way of announcing Jason to the people that we don't see that often.  When I loss Jason in October I was angry because now I had all these useless Christmas cards and I wasn't about to reprint them again.  So I just sent out the original ones that have nothing of Jason--that has made me feel sad. 

Losing Jason has totally affected every aspect of Christmas for me this year.  People keep asking what can I give you for Christmas this year--my answer--nothing.  The thing I wanted the most for Christmas this year -- to be pregnant with Jason and to feel him kicking and moving around inside me and to be sharing Christmas with him and to feel at peace and accepting of Janessa and Hope's deaths so that Christmas would be different this year has been taken from me.  The hope of finding that little bit of rainbow healing peace that people talk about has been stolen from me again and there is no hope of me ever getting it now--that has left a bitter taste in my mouth and another huge, black, aching hole in my heart. There is absolutely nothing that could be given to me this year that can replace what has been taken away.  I mainly just want Christmas over and all the months from January - May to just be over with so I don't have to face Janessa or Hope's angel birthdays and I don't have to face Jason's due date.